Me,myself&I

2012-01-28T11:08:00.000-08:00

Maybe one day you'll realize what was that you did wrong, or better yet, what was wrong with the way you thought about certain things. Maybe one day I will too.

Scumbag exams!-_-
Who the fuck needs epistemology anyway?! We all know that absolute knowledge can't be reached.
I love my guitar. I've said it a thousand times, but I do. I really do! I'm so glad I've decided to do it, at last! I'm trying to give my guitar a name, but I can't decide...I just wished I had more time to practice in order to learn all those chords. I can already imagine myself play some Opeth songs!* * Actually I wish I had more time to do all the stuff I want to do. Ha, I never thought I will end up saying this, but days go by way too fast.
Well, back to work...

2012-01-16T05:35:00.000-08:00

This shows that the stupid herd that is currently on the streets protesting has learned absolutely nothing the last time they did it, back in '89! Stupid people that do not understand that only by removing the current president they are not going to solve anything. It's not only the president's fault, you idiots! It's the entire political structure! It's bigger than any of you get it! 20 years of "democracy" for Nothing! You're all still the same idiots you were 20 years ago! You're all gonna die and suffer for Nothing!
Go to hell, I'm not going to protest for something these people don't even understand!
Fuck!

2012-01-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the hell am I thinking?! I'm doing everything unconscious. But no way in hell I will allow myself go through another "doomed" situation like the previous one, Again. Heart! Suck it up! This time things are not going to go your way. Sorry. It's too late for you.
My fingers hurt like hell from the guitar picking (-__-) buuut, oh well, I saw that coming... If only the chords would come out fine. My guitar teacher is kinda young, so the jokes he's making are not helping me learn playing the guitar. Besides that, he fell in love with my guitar (-_-)! It's like throwing it into my face that my baby guitar sings heavenly in his hands, and well not awfully but plain into mine. I shall conquer those strings even if it's the last thing I do!-_-
Between my exams, the gym and the guitar lessons I barely have time to breathe! But I know everything will pay off in the end.
Keep believin', my damneds...

2012-01-04T09:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, I can't hold it in anymore! I'm crazy in love with the young Sebastian Bach (former singer of Skid Row), for like a year now! I mean, he was PERFECT! Where did all those awesome men, working that hair and leather, disappear?! I feel like a fuckin' groupie when I see him! I feel my eyes sparkle like Edward's skin, in the back of my head! Ahhh, Sebastian...!*_* Not even the offensive lyrics bother me. Quite on the contrary! That's how real love feels like?! If so, I swear I've never felt it before. Fuck, I'm officially a retarded groupie!-_- But I still love you, Sebastian BACH!<3 Fuck, I want the 80's back!-_-

Here's a fragment from the movie "Finding Neverland" starring J.Depp and K.Winslet, that made me weep like I haven't in a while because of the deep meanings captured within it:
"- You know fairies, Peter?
- Yes. But they're nearly all dead now.
- You see, Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born, its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be one fairy for every boy and girl.
- Ought to be? Isn't there?
- Oh, no. Children know such a lot now. Soon, they don't believe in fairies. And every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies," there's a fairy somewhere that falls down dead.
[...]
- But why did she have to die?
- I don't know, boy. She went to Neverland. And you can visit her any time you like if you just go there yourself.
- How?
- By believing, Peter. Just believe.
- I can see her."
Wonderful movie. I recommend it to anyone. It reminded me a bit of "What dreams may come" starring Robin Williams, a movie that I also recommend with all my heart.

2011-12-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

Here's my first guitar. I've only managed to tune it today, but I absolutely love it<3!
I have way too many plans for the time I actually have, this winter holiday. And I have all these contradictory feelings. It's the first time in 4 years, if I'm not wrong, when I'm not spending my vacation in Rome. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not sure how I feel about many things, these days. I already miss two different people, from two different places, from two different times of my life... though, I'm not sure how much those two people miss me. Probably at all. One of them is the end, while the other is the beginning of ”something”, something that is forbidden and dangerous, for me mostly. I don't know what's with me and danger...*instant attraction?!* But that's a different side of the story. ”Different” seems to be the word of the day. This IS going to be a very different Christmas and I just hope I'll be able to restrain my impulsivity for the next two weeks and that I'm not going to ruin what I've acomplished so far by doing something irational and pointless.
I've noticed more and more lately that there are people surrounding me for the last 7-8 years, that actually claim they know me so well, when in fact they don't. And at all! Go figure...
Got to go now. Part 2 coming soon!* Merry X-mas mes damnés and let's hope there will be snow...

*What?! Only ”Harry Potter” and ”The Twilight Sparkling Saga” can divide the same fuckin' storyline into two different parts? Here I am, following the contemporary models of marketing!

2011-12-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

I'm getting an acoustic guitar! Actually I'm buying it for myself (I'm my own best Santa ever)! If that goes well, I'll eventually get an electric guitar, of course hoping that my neighbours won't throw me out from the block! :)) I can't wait! Next week I'll actually produce pleasant notes with an instrument! *_*
A black Ibanez V50 guitar is on its way to me! I'm so thrilled right now!

2011-12-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

”...writing is letting your soul bleed onto paper.”(A.A.Rhodes)... And oh, how many times I've let my soul bleed onto digital or actual paper... maybe on a certain level I am afraid of letting my book to be read by someone else. I know what I have put in every little word I wrote and what my emotions were while I wrote them. The fact that someone would treat superficialy or that he/she won't understand what I felt, or what my characters felt, and that he/she would just read every word as if they are just words thrown on paper, it frightens me. Maybe that's every author's fear. I'm not sure I want to face this fear. What I wrote, my character's love and suffering and all that I made them go through, has too much of me... all that I couldn't say at a certain time and all that I felt I couldn't express then, I later put it on paper through my Aimé, Adora, Varian, Emma, Amity and the others. I just doubt that anyone would be capable to understand my writing, Me. Re-reading what I wrote brings back a whole different story, apart from the one that has been written, and the emotions overwhelm me everytime. I think one should experience what I have experienced to understand Me. But this guess could be extremely wrong. Not everyone has my emotional abilities.

I just read a beautiful article about vampires that stated some really good questions and possibly answers(http://www.bettendorf.com/node/1261), as for example: ”Vampires, in the current craze, desire to be accepted by us rather than threatening to suck the force of life out of us. Given the fact vampires still exist in the shadow side of our imaginations, why do they enthrall us so?... Maybe the idea of dying in order to live doesn't sound so crazy anymore...” (surely I liked that the writer didn't forget my love, Lestat, that was described as :”a very dark character that harkens back to an evil revealed in Bram Stokers’ Dracula.”). Ah... I miss a good old Anne Rice reading. This Christmas holiday I know what I will be doing!

About me... I've been quite ill after three days in-a-row during which I went out fuckin' partyin'. But that does it. At least for a week, during which I have an exam (just lovely, may I add! -__-), no more going out late at night! I need a break.
Well, it's almost Christmas, and you can smell the melancholy in the air. I surely have this feeling too, of remembrance, longing and... the wrench. But, God, oh God, I love Christmas. My inner child is the happiest during this time of the year. Too bad the New Year's Eve follows up after this. 2012, oh 2012, what should my resolutions be for this new year...?
I'm absolutely insanely in love with this song, from Mumford and the sons - The cave. It just has a Christmas spirit, it has melancholy, hope, everything. And it's something I would've never thought I would like.
Well, darlings, till next time... be safe, be wise, and just enjoy this time of the year. Here's a little sparkle of hope and love from me, sincerely.

2011-12-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

I do not like when someone even hits the "like" button on Facebook on a song that I posted just because they're friends with me or supposedly they "like" it. You don't "like" my songs. You love them, you live them, you're eager to hearing them once again, you're speaking through them. It ruins all the sanctity of the song I chose and all the meaning that it has for me because I feel it with my heart, not shallowly (as in actually "lacking depth of intellect, emotion, or knowledge"), and I know it for sure that the meaning is lost for some people. You have to feel these songs (such as Virgin Black's songs - not anyone can feel them as they were wrote and the fact that someone dares to ruin all the profoundity they put into their art is annoying as hell! I don't know, personally and currently, someone that can understand their songs, as "...and I am suffering", "Our wings are burning", "Lacrimosa", "Requiem, Kyrie", "Beloved", "Lamenting kiss" et cetera). One more reason to Hate FB!

"Some people" must really underestimate my intelligence and my spirit of observation. That's gonna come and bite you all in the ass! Wait and see/bleed.

A year ago I went through one of the hardest moments in my life. The amount of pain I was feeling didn't allow me to either eat or sleep, and the air I breathed was running out on me and faded just like the memory of You. I felt the ending touching me. I knew it all along. Having to deal with everything: the new, the old, the beginning and the end felt so much for me, but here I am, one year later... I still feel the little knives stinging into my heart when I remember everything, but I am fine now. Better that I thought I will be when the time stood still.
"We fell in love, with dust in our lids
And the pain of a severed soul
All is lost but hope
On the crest of fire
Our wings are burning..."

2011-11-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

Though I'm more of a heavy metal chick, this night was awesome! Luna amarăăă!!!\m/
"Cât de mult îmi doresc doar o clipă cu mine,
Ascuns de nelinişti - şi departe de tine...
O noapte în nori mă aruncă în noroi,
E ura şi greaţa şi furia ce mă trag înapoi
Şi doare, şi doare şi doare
Să mă îngrop între voi!
Cenuşi de gri dorian spălate de ploi
Am oasele rupte în somn violet,
Sunt o lună amară ce se stinge încet...
Cât de mult îmi doream să fac totul mai bine
N-ai crezut niciodată în lumea din mine.
N-am nimic doar al meu - o lună amară
Beţia şi urletul surd - ce nu vor să moară!" (Luna amară - Gri dorian)

Romania has some awesome underground rock!* *
Well, good night! I'm exhausted! Sweet dreams...

2011-11-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

Honestly I can't believe people still manage to surprise me with their stupidity. Un-fuckin-believable! Though, I gotta say, analyzing and watching "them" has remained one of my favorite activities. It amuses me as hell.
Who the fuck gave me a conscience?!?!?! Why does a brain has to come hand in hand with this incredibly annoying conscience?! - Obviously, I'm not waiting for an answer, but still... - Just when I agree I'm ready to move on, I see A ghost! Oh, well... tomorrow night, party rock time! - Hmmm, I party way too much lately o_o...
Nighty-night damneds!
Till next time... Our luck Must change! If not, We Will make it change! Damn it!

2011-11-14T12:49:00.001-08:00

Sooo, another awesome party!!! I fuckin' love this new hard-rock club! I swear I don't know where from I get all this energy but I shock myself. I can't even imagine how would I be if I were on drugs or drunk (never gonna happen, of course), if when I'm completely sober I'm this insane!:)) I can't believe I forgot how "hot" Romanian guys are(I don't like the slang, but oh well -_- ... if you touch one of them, there is a real possibility you'll burn; I know I did *_*)! The "hotties" I saw, OMG! I felt as if I was in Paradise - a Paradise full with crazy long-haired rockers, totally rocking those moves and head-bangs (I looove a guy that knows how to do a good head-bang - it's probably one of the reasons why I love guys with long hair:D)! I must apologize to all of those that I hit with my hair while head-banging - my hair is a "little too long" for that, but it felt awesome, and don't even get me starting on the adrenaline... that was what I call an awesome infernal hard-rock night to remember! A fresh new night like this is coming up real soon, for sure. I've kinda become addicted with the adrenaline, and with Me in those moments. Shock, shock, shock! I had no idea I can do all these things. I'm always happy with myself when I still manage to surprise Me. And besides, a little fun doesn't do any harm. I don't know why or when it happened, but something changed... It's time for me to move on, and I think I'm ready. I'm not ready to start it all over again, though. I like how things are NOW.
So, all good!
Take care damneds 'cause I know I will! Hell yeah!!! \m/

P.S. Though I have not forgotten anything and I haven't stopped feeling what I have felt so far, for the sake of my mental and emotional sanity, I have to move on to the next moment in my life. This chapter is on the verge of definitive closure.

2011-11-06T09:02:00.001-08:00

After 7 years, a "friend" has finally shown her "true face". And I gotta tell you: It ain't pretty! Ha! It took her a while to show how much of a friend she is to me. I did good keeping a certain distance from this kind of "friends". It doesn't affect me that much now. Actually, in a kinda weird-twisted way, I feel quite flattered that the Envy she has on me is that big to affect our "friendship". The way I see it, her Envy is a compliment towards me and my accomplishments, though she's the one going around telling people that she's an accomplished "almost married woman" (OMG, I sooo had to put all this three words between commas!). Sorry, I have to take a break here and laugh hysterically - HAHAHA! Ok, I'm done now. I swear, I honestly can't believe how idiotic and primitive is some's way of thinking. Oh well, as I said in a previous post, time Does reveal everything, as experience has proven to me the truth in this, so many times.
Well, gotta go now!
P.S. I can't wait for the next weekend to come. \m/

2011-11-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

"...because she loves blindly and recklessly, even if it consumes her..."

2011-10-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

"- Boo./ - Boo back."

Awesomeee Boo Halloween party, guys! I haven't head-banged and danced this much in a long time, and though I feel as if my head is going to fall off my shoulders (I would've rather expected that the high heels would give me a hard time:D), I had an awesome time! See ya in two weeks for some more! *__*

2011-10-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

Tempus omnia revelat.

2011-10-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

I think and I'm starting to realize how right I am, that people in the past should stay in the past. I've recently came across some of my old acquaintances that, at some point in my life, mattered. Nevertheless... that is not the case anymore. I want to move forward, not backwards. And those people belong in the past. I can't say that I appreciate Facebook in this kind of matter, like others do. I have no intention of reconnecting with 'old' friends. I have been thinking for a while now to annul my FB and my MSN account completely. I barely sign on either of them, and when I do I have more bad surprises than good. Besides that, I'm kinda against letting FB running my social life. I never quite agreed with virtual identity and I still don't. Regarding people from my past...they were 'appropriate' for me. Then. Not now. I've evolved in a different way, I see things differently and I just don't feel like I have anything in common with them anymore. The only moral problem I have is how do I reject their attempt of coming back into my life without ruining the memories that brought us together at a certain point in life?

2011-09-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Ehh...
Back to basics: Buffy & Angel *I'm such a sucker for love* <3

Declaration for my characters: Aimé, Edmée, Varian, forgive me for all the suffering I have brought upon you. I shall make it up to you in the end.

2011-08-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

Longing mingled with intentional solitude and distance, that seems to grow everyday, is the worst disease to me, that no medicine could ever cure.

PS: No matter how many people are and want to be around me, there are days when I want none near me, but you... and if I can't have you, I wish to remain lonely.

2011-08-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't done much lately than I consider worth being mentioned. I basically have a pile of books getting bigger everyday as I am enjoying a good reading these days: from Garcia Marquez to Coelho, Dumas and an American classic: Dickens. All these among some vampire reading or maybe some "Paradise Lost" by Milton.
I have finally finalized all the documents needed and I can, officially, go in vacation. At last!
So, today I "painted" my face again:)) And today's drawing is the bloody rose from Vampire Knight, in a more simplistic design that can be drawn on human flesh, of course. This is what came out:

And here's two photos without any drawing on my face - I love the darker 'Cleopatra' make-up:D

Ok, I'm going back to reading something now (I'm not really feeling like sharing anything, as it can be deducted from this "poor" post), so till next time, take care my damneds and do not try this face-drawing at home! (it requires a lot of cleansing afterwards:D)

2011-08-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

I know I sometimes act as if I have forgotten about some of you, or that I just ignore your every attempt of reaching out to me... I'm sorry. It's not always your fault.

2011-08-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

Someone fuckin' cast a curse on me!

2011-08-01T05:22:00.000-07:00

Just... FUCK YOU!

2011-07-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

Searching for my ”turn off” button on feelings... I just wish I had one...
It's in times like this when I miss you the most...

- An imperfect God and a learning Devil? Imagine, the Devil never learning anything during all this time, never changing his mind about being the Devil. It's an insult to our intellect, such an idea.
- Tell me more about the Devil.
- He's not purely unredeemable. He's merely part of God's plan. He's a spirit allowed to tempt and try humans. He disapproves of humans, of the entire experiment. He's changeable, surely. He's smart. He must feel. Why ever would he remain static? ("Blood Canticle” - Anne Rice)

2011-07-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

I'm home! And it surely feels like home...
Lots of money to be spend and my 500 euros, that I have left at home, have disappeared. And I'm pretty sure it was my drunk uncle cause nothing else indicates a thief; I thought we had all the keys. So now I'm 500 euros broke, and I'm never gonna see them again. It's nice to have a family, right?!... Goodbye, my savings! Nothing has changed around here, everything is exactly like I remember it to be, but despite all, it does feel good to be home.
I'm trying to deal with every little thing at a time.
I can't wait for the new Evanescence album. I heard some snippets and it sounds wonderful.
I have finished seeing ”True blood” (my second attempt), well, until the episode that has been aired so far . My patience has been well repaid. If you get over the countless porn scenes, the terrible accent of the actors starring in it and the slightly exaggerated apparition of different supernatural creatures, it's an interesting show. I first thought it's an exclusive vampire show, but oh well... I don't understand though why in every freakin' show where there are vampires, there has to be werewolves too - ”The Gates”, ”Being Human” (the British, original one), ”Blood Ties” and so many others (and btw, they're way too hairy for me). Overall, the show amused me a lot (Eric and Pam are my favorite characters). Surely the idea of paying taxes vampires, that actually have their own government, that are being tortured by ephemeral mortal problems, and are feeding with bottled synthetic blood, is... interesting (even though I fail to see the point in being immortal, and having the power of doing everything you want, if you play by the universal rules and fuck, even pay taxes to the State). But, it does has several original points of view, so it's worth giving it a try.
I have also read two books from ”The vampire diaries”, out of curiosity. Besides the fact that the TV show doesn't respect not even half of the details in the books, I found the books to be... simplistic. Not even a challenge. You can read one in two hours, but you get no satisfaction: the language is for retards - well kinda the one in the ”Twilight saga” books - and the imagination of the writer didn't blow my mind - I'm not saying I could've write it better, but I am saying that they could have been written better. I still remain an Anne Rice fan till death: a true vampire chronicles writer, that does not involve werewolves or ”fairies” in her books, that treats the subject as it should be treated; even the conflict between Devil and God, often found in her books, is very well placed. Her books have often made me ponder about life, good and evil, right and wrong.

”Eric [to Pam]: You know I love you more when you're cold and heartless. What?
Pam: Blah, blah... vampire emergency. Blah.” (fuckin' hilarious)

”I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter”
I wonder if it ever mattered?!... even though it probably never did... Never did and never will. It may have mattered way too much to me, and way too little to you.
Well, my damneds I salute you from Romania! Till next time...

2011-07-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

My fellows, click the link bellow and WEEP! I can't get over how much damage some shitty vampire movies have done to what used to be an unique, interesting, charming, sensual, somehow scary (for some) passion of all the glorious lovers of the genre. I had this, let's call it ”passion”, since I was 9 years old, since you could still read and watch something related to this ancient ”myth” that had some quality. I wanna fuckin' cry! Why does marketing has to ruin everything?! Nowadays I feel embarrassed to even mention my ”passion”, as the immediate question would probably be ”Oh, you're like a Twilight fan?”! And as they ask me that, I feel something DIE inside of me! I feel like slapping and crying when I hear all this over-night born ”vampire fanatics”! They spread like fuckin' mushrooms after rain! You people ruined everything for me! I fuckin' hate you and all your ”twilight-ish” bullshit!
Read and weep, as this feels like a burial day! My eyes actually hurt from what I have seen and read! NO MORE!
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/vampireuniversity

2011-07-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

The walls... they are all covered in a light, intense red... The door is opening... an enormous wave of red liquid is pouring down towards me... There is only blood all around me! Where is all this blood coming from?... What have I done?...

I dedicate tonight's moon to you, my love... I would toss my veins, if only they were long and strong enough, and wrap them around the moon so I can embrace her as I would embrace you and I would drag it closer to me, even though it would blind me with its grandeur, so I can scar in pain my message of love to you and lay all my thoughts on its surface, as it is right now, the only thing that unites us, that we can both see clearly... tonight the moon belongs to you... as do I.

What's with this energy? I feel like I'm on drugs. It's like pouring out from my veins! Heck, I can't stay in one place! I'm only in the mood for some heavy, very heavy rock! The heavier, the better! God bless Alexi Laiho for his guitar riffs, Cradle Of Filth, Devil Driver, Pantera, Iron Maiden, Skid Row and Testament! I wish I had some guitars to smash against the walls * *!

Yeah, you can! You just need to want it bad enough! Every desire that doesn't feel like it is going to burst into flames right inside of you unless it will be accomplished, does not deserve much attention as it will fade away with time! Anything is possible! Want it and you will get it! Look at it as if it is a matter of survival. Do not give up! Never give up! I'm here and I believe you can succeed in anything you want!

Shit, way too much energy in me!

”Woke up to the soothing sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I'd think of you
Through the sleepless nights and every endless day
I'd wanna hear you say, I remember you
'Cause you'll always be my dream come true
Oh my darling, I love you
I swear you'll never be lonely...”

2011-07-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

Those FB quizzes are one of the most stupid, idiotic ”wasting time” ideas I have ever seen. I mean even the quizzes are the mere invention of illiterate kids. Well, the whole FB is kinda stupid. I wonder why I have not annulled my account yet ?_?... but, anyway as I was really bored I made some of those quizzes like the ”what are you: angel or demon?” kind. Besides the fact they all came out that I'm an angel and that I will end up in Heaven (not that anyone believes this crap), well I just wanted to specify that I never considered myself to be angel or demon (of course, figuratively speaking). I am Geanina. At times a little evil, other times tender and quite angelic - some might say, an incurable romantic with an insatiable desire and love for all that is new or a bit ”supernatural”, a little masochist and dominatrix, very stubborn and passionate in accomplishing my goals, quite insane, with an enormous imagination, a fantasy lover, willing to try anything out of the ordinary, a huge adventure and traveling admirer with some obsessions (like music, corsets, Converse, psychology, supernatural, goth et cetera), terribly sincere and very exigent in choosing people that surround me. And the list can go on forever. But all those characteristics make me unique (anyone who knows me, at least a little bit, can confirm that) and weird (as many have told me so). I am a weird combination of many things and many pleasures, that may appear random to some, but make quite sense to me... oh and I talk A LOT (and when I'm not talking, I'm writing or thinking way too much: my brain never gives me a break:|)! But that's me: Geanina. Not angel, not demon, not Lilith, or any other creature that has charmed me during different phases of my life. Just me.
Ok, different topic:
When I first found out for sure that I will be doing my year as an Erasmus here I had a very different view of how things will turn out. I promised that I would not allow myself to be trapped in the arms of the deceitful hope, and yet that happen involuntarily. The first months were the hardest. There were many times when I just wanted to take the airplane and go home, back to my eternal tranquility. What made me stay, I couldn't say. I only knew that I am tougher than that and that I never give up. With time I tried to adapt to the new situation, even though ”forgetting” was one of the most difficult tasks I had to accomplish here. And still, here I am now, thinking that by this time, next week, I will be home. It's unbelievable that it has been almost a year, when I thought time was just standing still to punish me. I was reminded with every possible occasion that I don't deserve or ever gonna have certain things and that I should not forget that. Before I came here, I imagined every possible scenario of how things could be. And as I expected, the worst happened. All was a reminder that I should have stuck with my original plan and not deviate for any reason at all (Of course, the ”professional plan” went better than I could have ever expected to - straight A grades, and I haven't even tried that hard - but it's not that that caused me problems). It will take me a lot of time to forget but hopefully that too shall pass and that the time will come when I will be indifferent to the situation. I have learned many things about myself and not only, during this one year. I appreciate that. Even though I may refuse to accept them, I appreciate the lessons life has gave me, again. And Life, you screwed me over so many times I can't even remember, but I swear I'll fuck you repeatedly until you give me what I want or allow me to get it myself.
Now, all I wish is to return to my tranquility and work on my balance during this summer, because beginning with next year I will need all of myself in order to try and make the good decisions.
I'm hoping for a complete dis-intoxication from Internet, computer, TV, anything digital this summer. All I want is silence, fresh air and a quality book to read. Nothing else. I'm waiting for that weekend to the mountain more than anything. To sit in the vividly colored grass, surrounded by an endless forest and with only the sound of a pouring river filled with water of the most extraordinary clarity, disturbing the silence. Smelling the fresh, clean air that has a small scent of pin trees in it and it feels a little chilly on my skin... OMG! That is what I call Heaven. I fuckin' love the mountains. The less touched by man, the better. Maybe I'll manage to see Dracula's castle too and Sibiu, everything with just a bag-pack on my back, a huge bottle of water and a good, resistant pair of Converse and off we go. Warning: I might not wanna leave the place! Ever!

2011-06-25T03:41:00.000-07:00

Today I'm feeling like it's the 80's. So, here's a classic: ”Scorpions - I'm loving you”...
”Time, it needs time
To win back your love again.
I will be there, I will be there.
Love, only love
Can bring back your love someday.
I will be there, I will be there.
Fight, babe, I'll fight
To win back your love again.
I will be there, I will be there.
Love, only love
Can break down the walls someday.
I will be there, I will be there.
If we'd go again
All the way from the start,
I would try to change
The things that killed our love.
Your pride has build a wall, so strong
That I can't get through.
Is there really no chance
To start once again?
I'm loving you.
Try, baby try
To trust in my love again.
I will be there, I will be there.
Love, your love
Just shouldn't be thrown away.
I will be there, I will be there.
Yes I've hurt your pride, and I know
What you've been through.
You should give me a chance
This can't be the end.
I'm still loving you,
I need your love.
I'm still loving you.
Still loving you, baby...”

2011-06-22T02:56:00.000-07:00

Until the moment I fall down on the ground, powerless and dead, I won’t stop! I was never a weak person, and I’m sure as hell ain’t gonna become one. My will is endless!

”- Abandon me...!... You understand, don’t you?... It’s useless!
- Abandon you? You say quite awful things... I will keep my promise every time needed. Even if you end up hating me, or whatever happens... I will silence the beast within you! At least I'm not giving up!
- There’s no way I could hate you...”

2011-06-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

Eternal love, my ass! Stupid kids (especially girls) that nowadays follow the example of movie whores like ”Bella” that ”Oh, I can't decide” between the all make-up, sparkling fairy named Edward or the ”Oh, look at me: I'm all muscles and stupid” stinky werewolf and has to fuck both of them to decide, even though ”she eternally loves the Edward fairy and wants to sparkle with him forever”! (Damn you ”Twilight” for ruining everything for me!) Or the other major whore: Elena, Caterina, Ballerina or whatever that claims she loves her adored whiny and ”I'm bitching all the time” Stefan, her ”Salvatore” forever, or the bad-ilicious (that has become way too emotional lately, but still is a stubborn bad-ass and the only reason I watched the show anyway) Damon that she Obviously wants to fuck behind his brother's back! I mean, what's wrong with these brainless girls? Oh, that's right” They're brainless! And know nothing about emotions! Emotions! Hellooo! Continue to follow the example of these whores (the modern Paris Hiltons) and the world will surely go on sucking! Stupid bitches! Whatever happened to real mysteries and ”horror” stories? What happened to true love? To romantic love, when all was simpler and meant so much more than this prostitution? To real feelings? To sharing pain and happiness with the other? To loving someone beyond human boundaries and indeed, always? To not wanting anyone else because you truly love that someone? To being faithful? What am I doing inside this world and where is all that is true, that I long and yearn for? I don't fuckin' belong here, in this false world!
*Excuse my language, but there's no nicer way to put this on the table. -___-

2011-06-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

„Read to me from the book of love
Sing me to my sleep
Fill my dreams with lust
And I am but a fool for you
Angel of my heart...
Your life, so much sorrow
Let me take one moment of your pain
You have died a million times over
Who would comprehend the mystery of life's game
So come, let's share of life's treasures
We'll live a life of passion undisturbed by shame
What you require, I offer with pleasure
Let's fall laughing, tumbling in vermilion rain
Come into my life
My Prince of Shadows
My heart shall know of no other
Within your arms I feel strangely serene
All those lives you've seen rise, mature and die
Who else could say that they've seen the sights you've seen
The world shall show us such wonders
I'll cast my act into the Sea of Dreams
And so, my love, I give onto you...”

2011-06-06T01:58:00.000-07:00

Conversation between I and Me.

I (subconscious): - You have to remember why you decided to do this. You can't go back every time you feel a little weaker.
Me (conscious): - But why things have to be so complicated?
I (subconscious): - It's just how it is and you have to deal with it.
Me (conscious): - But... I want to do that...
I (subconscious): - You can't.
Me (conscious): - But... What if it could change things?
I (subconscious): - No BUT.
Me (conscious): - What if everything is not how I think it is, and we could be happy?
I (subconscious): - It doesn't matter. Once you go forward, you can't go back every time just to end up making the same decision over and over again.
Me (conscious): - I want...
I (subconscious): - I don't care what you want. Get over it!
Me (conscious): - This ”what if...” is killing me.
I (subconscious): - It's killing everybody. It's an universal problem. You can't solve it though.
Me (conscious): - I have to try...
I (subconscious): - NO! You have tried too many times. It has no point.
Me (conscious): - What do I do when I'm on the verge of breaking down and I feel I can't resist anymore without doing what my heart is telling me to do?
I (subconscious): - There's nothing you can do. It's not that simple. The heart has no brain for a reason. That often falls into stupidity. You can only hope that it will go away. And remember the reasons why.
Me (conscious): - When did it get so complicated? I should be able to do what I feel I have to do, every time I want to do it. Why all this torture?
I (subconscious): - I don't have a reasonable answer to that. Not even Einstein had an answer to that. And the story has two people involved. So you see... it is unlikely that the two persons will syntonize. It doesn't all depend on you. If it does, then you should just reconsider the situation and realize why it's not well for you.
Me (conscious): - I know all that. And yet... I still have this burning desire to do it. Despite everything.
I (subconscious): - Well, NO! Don't do it! End of story.

And I could actually ”see” that I will end up doing it. As usual. When a fuckin' idea gets into my head I can't manage to get it out. It's amazing! Stubborn, idiot and dysfunctional brain! Or is it my soul that is dysfunctional?...

2011-06-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'll violate you in the most sensual way... until you drown in this love...

I don't understand at all this sexual obsessed people that are fucking staring when I go out jogging. Like WTF?! You have never seen a girl run before???!!! What is it? Breasts moving??? It's not comfortable at all, you know. It freakin' hurts!
Especially for the past days they freakin' feel like rocks (before period breasts tend to grew like a number bigger and harder- yeah, yeah, wow!- it's not that entertaining as some may think! Idiots!). Many girls have a special bigger bra for these exact days (although lately that's the only bra that can make them stay in one place -___- ) I've been blessed with a full C cup (and during the period days easily a D cup) and nowadays I freakin' wish I had smaller ones -____-. It once happened that I was wearing a dress and suddenly they started swelling like almost to get out of the fuckin' dress and unfortunately for me the dress had a pretty generous V cut. Embarrassing...
I'm writing stupid stories and unimportant lines again just to avoid writing what is actually the problem and what I am feeling, so... sorry. I'll be back with better stories in a few days:D.

”I'd kill to share your pain
(Please let me stay)
And sell my soul for you just to say
Love's name in vein
Again and again
I dream what you're dreaming
And feel what you're feeling…”

2011-06-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

”Lipsește-mă de jurământ
Consumă-mi teama și atât
Cinstește-mi liniștea-n cuvânt
Și fi azi demonul meu blând...
Lipsește-mi noaptea de cuvânt
Transpiră-mi trupul și atât
Complică-mi îngerii-n desfrâu
Să-mi fii tu-n astă noapte sfânt...
Sorții-mi cântă între tine și pământ...” Dacă aș fi avut șansa, ar fi trebuit să te aleg pe tine sau pământul?... Coboară-mă în rai, demonul meu blând*...

*Bring me down to heaven, my gentle demon...
I could never do a translation of these lyrics that would capture all the beauty in them. I only translated the last phrase, and that's not even good enough...But I love them. I succumb these lyrics to you, my gentle demon, along with an enormous part of me...! I miss even the little that I once had.
Till next time, I would like to show you a sweet dream...

2011-05-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

So, anyone has dreams, or ”fantasies”. One of my fantasies is kinda like this: me, riding a Harley, on an open road, with high heels, black leather boots, leather jacket (the one with a small model on it that makes you think about car racing), with a light red lipstick, my hair left loose on my back with the wind passing through it...wow! Wonderful! And of course, a song rockin' in the background. Now I can only think of the AC/DC's ”Highway to hell”. I don't know why but I always picture that song playing. It's a mystery.:)
Here I am talking bullshit:)) I bet that whoever began reading the post with me talking about fantasies thought about something veeery different. But no, no...that kind of fantasies I keep for myself:D.

A faint scent of blood came pouring out and in my veins... Although I thought it would feel warm, I feel it coldly as it gets more intimate, raining on my arm... I feel a sudden diabolical craving... I try to resist... I lean my head and close my eyes... I visualize the whole moment... I'm in a trance... I want it... More, more, more...

2011-05-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

I take off on 19 of July! Hallelujah! And with this ends my year as an Erasmus student in Rome! And with this ends a lot of "things"! I'm leaving and doing my best to leave everything that I don't need behind and forget all about it. Amen! I have, of course, a small feeling of sadness, but it's much smaller than the one of happiness that I'll be home soon! Romania, here I am, your lost child is returning!
My hair has grown quite much and I absolutely adore it! Love, love, love! And the colour of my eyes has turned, in the past year, into blue! I don't know how that is possible! But it has happened! Love, love, love! I keep staring at them in the mirror :))). I think I wanted it so much that it finally happened(well, I did have a greenish blue colour before, so...). The only downer is that my eyes hurt more when it's a bright sun outside, but I accept the change! Blue, blue eyes, almost like my dad's.:X:X:X I'm really thinking about making some changes on myself, I haven't quite decided what yet, but I have some ideas. As a symbol of other changes that can only do me good from now on. Enough with the past, and here's to the future! Allas!
Till next time, my damneds... I'll still have blue eyes! Iii!

2011-05-23T09:33:00.001-07:00

You run from whoever dares to love you or tell you that you're not the devil you believe to be. You would do anything to prove that there is nothing good left in you. You want no forgiveness. You don't believe you deserve it. Even if the chance to redemption were to be offered to you, you would not take it. You would punish anyone that would ever dare to care for you, only to prove your point. Including me. You cannot accept that no matter what you will do, I cannot hate you. Shouldn't that tell you something? That maybe you found, till a certain extent, a way to be forgiven and to forget? Can't you see that no matter what you will do I can't command my own self that is stubborn enough to love you despite everything? Maybe you were to love me more if I could only say that you are a devil, that I hate you! But can't you see that I cannot do that, as much as you cannot admit to what I believe to be inside of you? "Why don't you hate me?" you might ask, when in fact, I ask myself exactly the opposite : "Why don't you love me?" ... I never asked for a saint or for a devil. I only asked for you! And that has proven to be too much to ask...

* Polemic that begun from the last two chapters of the book I have now finished and that made me understand more certain situations. Forgive me!...

2011-05-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

Basically, this summer, or at least until the end of this year I have 3 to-do wishes on my list:

1.) Visit, finally, after all this years, the Bran castle, that is Dracula's castle , the big Vlad Țepeș's residence, right on top of the mountains, surrounded by forest*__*. At last! Because as some may not know, Transylvania is in the center of Romania, between the majestic Carpathian mountains. Wonderfuuulll! One of the basic places where the ”vampire myth” was born! I've been a few years back near the place to see another great castle that I absolutely adore and hope to soon re-visit: Peleș castle (it has secret passages, a room made only of mirrors and the throne chamber is astonishing). Actually this trip to Bran is kinda already planned for this summer (yay!) Here's a photo of Dracula's residence and the bloodish place( just kiddin'; Țepeș wasn't really a vampire, dudes; he was just a sort of king that liked to punish people by impaling them around the middle of 1400).
In the two photos on the top is Bran: The castle of Vlad Dracul.
Any self respecting ”passionate” with vampires, and immortal ”myths” like the one Bram Stoker put outside on the market should see it at least once.:D

And this is the Peleș castle:

The Carpathian mountains are the most beautiful and wild mountains I have ever seen, and hold within them so many secrets...whoever says Romania is an ugly country is insane!!!
I used to know a dude from Transylvania, that I met under mysterious circumstances, and I have heard some pretty strange things about those places:D I'm like deadly curious right now! Hihi!
2.) Get guitar classes. I wanted that for a long time. And one day I should add piano and violin. Who knows, even drums... I don't plan on becoming an experienced player. I just have a thirst for things and knowledge that need to be satisfied.
3.) Get a tattoo. I'm kinda decided what it will be, and I want to do it on my wrist. I heard it hurts like hell there because its right on the vein. Wouldn't be awesome if when the tattoo needle stings in blood will flow out like an Artesian fountain?:)) Yeah, I know I have a macabre humor. And it is my vein I'm talking about here... buuuttt I'm more curious to see how much pain can this experiment cause me (again, sadistic behavior)...oh, well.

2011-05-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

”I was ready to give you my heart on a silver plate... if by chance I have not done that already... and now I find myself with a heart that does not longer expect to be surrendered to you, a heart that does not have a receiver anymore but only a sender. I was afraid of what message reality was trying to tell me, but even though, I tried to fight the fear. I didn't give up. I kept moving forward no matter what. I got past my ego, and did things that not many would do and say. But it was never enough. I was not good enough!”

”My dearest, my own... An “I love you” was left un-whispered, untold in the wind left behind. You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me, and still come with me, and hating me through death and after. There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature.”

Here's to my 21th year of misery that is yet left to be written down...
Till next time, please learn something from indifference mes damnés, as it causes the greatest suffering a life can endure...

*the quotes come from an endless source that has not yet been published or known by anyone else, but me.

2011-05-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I admit I sometimes take a sadistic pleasure in what others might consider painful, disgusting or fearful, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy this pain. I don't feel any pleasure in this type of suffering.

I hate receiving orders and I hate even more following them. I have always been a disobedient. An absolute brat. I am more the dominatrix type. I like being in charge of things and manage by myself, by my own desires. I've been in a lot of fights because of that, and that's probably never change. I think in my past life I used to be a pimp, and I even had my very own bitches! :))

”Without you I'm nothing at all...”*
*Although I do not believe an individual should define himself by reporting himself/herself to the Others, but I rather believe in the individual's personal identity, the association between the I, between ME, as the Nothing when being without the other, You, is...absolute. There is nothing more absolute than the Nothing. So simple, and yet so meaningful...
So what's today's conclusion from this post: I'm disobedient, sadomasochist, dominatrix and well...some things I should keep them for myself. Yep!

NB: Man, those two albums of the 90's band, Lestat (that's how I discovered them in the first place:D),are in essence the best vampiric music ever! They're surreal. I can imagine some of them playing on the background in clubs like the one where Akasha and Jesse went to. I just can't believe I have not found them sooner. Another great discovery: Gary Numan - Jagged :x:x:x.

Till next time... I'll be 21 years! Old enough to get drunk and vote in every state in the world. ”Too bad” I don't do none of the above. Freakin' ”happy” b-day!

2011-04-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

”To be saved. What a thought, what a lovely, extravagant, and impossible thought...How nice to have found the one mortal woman in all the world who would seriously think of such a thing.”(A.R.-B.T)

Stupidity, foolishness is at times so great it precedes the last stupidity you had ever done. And just as hard as you try to avoid doing it, it haunts you till you have no escape whatsoever. Oh, well, now deal with it! You stupid, stupid, stupid thing! When will I learn? Extremely good question. And most unfortunately without an answer. Speaking of questions...there is one in particular that I have always had difficulties in answering...and I always thought, or at least hoped (damn you to hell! as you are nothing but a temptation towards earthly stupidity as well!), that the answer to it will, with the passing of time, turn into a definitely ”yes”, just to find out it turns into a damned, fucked up ”NO!”. Fuck!Fuck!Fuck! In the hope of a small amount of wisdom from now on, till next time...

Maybe it wasn't a dream after all, only a memory. Maybe it wasn't a memory, but only a dream.

2011-03-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

”Sometimes questions are more powerful than answers. How is this happening? Why them and not others? Why now? What does it all mean?”

I was never allowed to be a part of your Destiny...

My dad told he just found out he only breaths now with 48% of his lungs, 15% less than last year, and that he needs urgent surgery, my sister is passing out unconscious in the house showing me how powerless we really are in emergency situations... all good news as we can see. And I have to stay strong for everyone here. At least, fortunately, I have a really strong system so nobody has to worry about me. But at times, you don't really know what is that you can do in situations like these. Trying to stay focus at things that need to be done, coping with all these and with certain people's selfishness and carelessness is... not an easy job. And I try to move forward and keep my character strong hoping that the glass will not be full too soon. Sometimes life is just too hard on some people... It seems that the challenges never end for me.

”Where does it come from? This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here.”

Take care, and hopefully I'll receive some good news for once too...
P.S. I couldn't thank more to my Andreea for being there for me so much in times like these when others weren't. It's nice to know you have someone to count on for once. Thank you so much... Love you.

2011-03-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

"The Life of all Flesh Is The Blood" - Leviticus 17:14

In the last period and in the following I have and will have to learn how to let go on certain people... unfortunately, it's an exam I'm not that sure I will pass easily...
What hurts is that I didn't want to leave that impression or to find out on my own flesh how little it mattered...
These days I feel inert, senseless... I walk but I don't realize I'm walking, I'm thirsty but I don't want to drink, I'm hungry but I don't want to eat, I need to go to university but once there I want to leave. It's degenerating from an usual depressed state to indifference... but it's not an usual indifference, but all I do I do as if I'm dead, and just the impulsion and the automatism is left. It feels like I'm seeing my body from above, like an astral projection, doing all those things, but I'm not there. Not really. I feel like I hate everyone and everything, but yet I don't feel anything...
Certain things never mattered and never will...
Changing the subject: I'm doing Spanish at the University, because I wanted to. It's gonna be my fifth language:D. I'm gonna lose myself in all this languages, my God:| But it's a wonderful language, and although I understand almost perfectly I'm now working on my speaking skills. I went to an English Course too, not because I needed but it was a native English teacher teaching it. OMG, he spoke so wonderfully and until the other students came we spoke in English. Wonderful! I even like Italian when this teacher spoke it. It was so sweet, with his accent! I was melting there. But the truth is, that the level on which the rest of the students were doesn't help me, because I did the test in 10 minutes (and just because it was pretty long to read:|) while the rest of them made it in two hours and didn't even finished it so the teacher stopped them. Besides even the teacher told me I have nothing to do in such a low leveled English course. But, man, he spoke so wonderfully. I was charmed.
A lot of the teachers proposed me or asked me to come do my Master in Italy and I told them that no way in hell, which came quite as a surprise to them. They have like the impression that if this is Italy the greatest, my ass, then I'm totally charmed with it that I would never wanna leave. Yeah, sure... As if...
I heard recently that an ex-class companion raped a girl along with nine other man where I used to live, and to think that he was a nice guy... thank God I got out of there...

”I pour my soul to those eyes full of fire… Am I to bleed myself dry just to see your delight?”
Till nest time, my damneds...

2011-03-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

Oh! Sweet Purgatory! You enchant me with the love sweetest and torment me with your careless nature! Oh, Angel! Oh, Demon! This incertitude is infernal! Burn me with the flames of your caress, drown me in the empty, dry air, stab me with your words, torture me, torture me! Release me from the chains of uncertainty, release me from the bonds of solitude...! Though I am lost on solitary ground, release me!...Find me, trust me, forgive me for losing my way... J'aime un rêve*... J'aime...

So, the second semester begun today, and I'm totally not in the mood for anything at all...
Just when you think that tears have run dry here they come again. I'm so sick of this weather, it's depressing.
I would have never believed some years ago that I will become such a poetry lover even if I used to write some myself. I kinda stopped doing that... just once in a while in remembrance. But nowadays I'm loving poetry especially symbolist and surrealist poetry... oh, the french ones are amazing. I'm so loving Rimbaud and his ”Saison en Enfer” these days. Yeah, the thing written on the beginning it's just my depressed imagination from these days speaking...
*I'm in love with a dream...
Sweet dreams mes damnés...

2011-03-09T04:44:00.000-08:00

Mad! Pissed off! Revengeful! Fuck! La dracu'! La naiba!!! Beep***, beep***, beep***! The END!
Ah great, now I have a headache!-_- F**k beep, beep, beep!

2011-02-28T08:24:00.000-08:00

So, I'm currently watching ”Moonlight”. You can guess the subject:D. It's probably the closest TVshow of the genre that has a sense of reality, except the sleeping in a freezer that I find insane, or the flying thing that brings a lot with the flying from the old genre movies. Besides all this, it resembles a lot ”Bloodties” only that ”Henry knows it best”. I still prefer that one. Too bad that this ones got the chance of an only season when other stupidities get new seasons continuously. Now that I remember there is also ”The gates” that has essentially the same basic idea as ”True blood”, for example: normal life. I liked that show, even if it got a little too ”Supernatural” at some point.
Now, I promised that review on Freud's essay. I still can't find the notes I had wrote on some papers when I read it, cause I like doing that when reading something, but the essential things I liked I can remember.
Firstly, the title ”Death and us” as simple as it may sound, I think it's quite clever. I don't know if Freud intended that when he choose the name of the essay but the name has a trilateral antithesis: it's the antithesis between Freus's origin and that is Judaism and the death sentence that rose above their heads in the Holocaust period, then there's the antithesis between fighting for a life admitting who you are and living a life in a death-denial, and finally and most importantly is the antithesis between the greatest mystery that humanity has ever encountered: Death ...and Us. Us represents here, of course, life. After all, ”Us” are the whole essence of life. When we say life, we mean US. Yeah sure, you may think that this is obvious. And it is. But the idea of the antagonism, and defining Life not by saying Life but by simply nominating the holders of Life, US...it's just brilliant.
In the essay, Freud debates a lot on what death means to us under different circumstances, and he concerned on why people are more appreciate in death, or in the moment prior death. He also writes beautifully about his last moments of life while he knew death was settling and when he was tortured by the fact that he was forced to betray his own kind in order to write and ”heal” people, and by if it is right to betray his kind continuously until the final moment or if death, the approach of death was finally going to set him free. I recommended to anyone. And I am not a big Freud fan.
There is no words to describe the intensity those words transmitted to me. As I believe is quite normal, death fascinated me, as well as how others perceive death, while at the same time it frightens me as nothing else on this world. The fact of not living to see the whole transformations that people and Earth will suffer, to face the discovery of immortality because that will most definitely happen sooner or later, to just be alive and feel, see, perceive everything...that is UNBEARABLE to me. I don't like to think about it but it's something that overcomes me. To see others die, to think about what will happen to my body and soul over time, to imagine THE NOTHING because I don't believe there is anything waiting for us in death...
So, let me end this debate before I get saddened again. I only wish there was something that I could do to make me not to waste my life. I keep searching for that ”something”. I CAN'T settle with what I know because of that. I WANT MORE! I want to know more! I want to see more! The THIRST for things defines me!
Anyway, so my mom and dad pisses me a lot these days. I mean, dudes, it's been 15 years since you've separated without asking anybody; can't you just sign some damn papers without asking again??? I'm tired to get in the middle of something that seems like a fight between children. Can't you see it's just hurting??? I do not imagine them ever getting back together again, neither I wish that to happen:Ever! That ship has sailed long ago. So,it's not that. But that doesn't mean I want to face all this shit.
Ok, so now I'm pissed again, so I'm gonna calm down now, and I guess...
Till next time...

2011-02-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

I asked some friends to think and tell me what characterize me. Beyond the things that are obvious like: hobbies,music,psychology,philosophy et cetera, came out also some traits of character that I do, myself, sustain I have like: ambition, stubbornness, perseverance, obtaining what I desire one way or another, reliable, good friend, trustworthy, the fact that I hardly trust anybody(although I don't think it's a negative trait),I speak a lot et cetera.
Now, I thought about writing five facts that nobody or few people know about me,that are not exactly good but true. I choose to wrote this ones because there are some much worse but only I know them and it will remain this way. So:
1. To start with something small, I really suck at games because I don't have any patience whatsoever, and the only ones I really like are the classic ones like Nintendo, from which for example, I like Mario or Bomberman, Ghostbusters and others.
2. I really like rap or hip-hop or whatever are called the bands and singers that curse a lot and have a really bad language. I got that from there. I'm a pretty big fan of Eminem, besides the fact that he's totally hot, Jay-Z, Kayne West and other bands from Romania that have songs in which 80% of the songs is about cursing.:D I also like speaking in quotes at times. You know how guys are all about The Godfather quotes, and by the way I never saw the movie or read the book and neither I am interested in it, I am all about QOTD quotes and Rice's books,or recently Van Helsing and other stupidities. Although I use them as a humor.
3. I once betrayed a friend, maybe the first friend that close, and although I tried to make amends it still haunts me. I know nothing will be the same anymore.
4. When I was younger I did a lot of bad things because I was going through some critical moments and had to adjust to a dysfunctional family. I stole, and although it were little things, I did it more than once. Of course, that doesn't happen anymore.
5. I have become a very good liar during the last 10 years of my life. I get a lot of phrases like ”I can't tell if you're lying or telling the truth”. Nowadays though, I prefer the truth as it is more hurtful than the lie.
Done with this, nothing major happened since my last post, besides the news that my dad is going to be hospitalized again but it's only for some analyzes, and that he brought again in discussion the divorce with mom, because they've been separated for like 15 years but never got a legal divorce, and they keep communicating through my sister and I as if they are babies. Gosh! I came to count days and hours to the moment of our departure back home, although I feel really bad about leaving my mom alone again after she just got used to us here. After all, we haven't been the three of us together since 17 years ago when my sis went away for school. And that I can't even remember as I was almost 4 years old. But, oh well, life goes on.
Till next time, mes chéries...

2011-02-19T08:02:00.000-08:00

...heart-shaped lips...breathing softly, heavily against my neck...an androgynous, captivating glance...my hand passing slowly through your hair... an overwhelming warmth...hasty heartbeats, breathing heavier and heavier...the moment has arrived...

It comes a time in every being's life when the idea of awaiting becomes momentarily unbearable. Glancing everywhere around you, living on a sign, with only your own company to keep, rots into a solitary, hollow existence. Adoration seems like a good idea, until you realize you're going to live through it alone. So I went into numbness, hoping that the sounds of you would fade out, and a sort of ”death”, forgetfulness might happen.
N.B. this was actually a quote for all connoisseurs, only I changed some things around there. Expect the first lines, which are absolutely the result of my own sick imagination.

I finished the first semester at Sapienza and I'm absolutely sick of taking interviews, but oh well...
I haven't being doing nothing lately, but I have been doing everything.
I don't feel like doing the review on Freud's ”Death and us” essay now, but one day...
I'm reading some old vampires stories from like the 1800th and I'm more and more curious why exactly around those years there has been an outbreak of legends,stories all of the sudden. And all at once. Something must have triggered it. Anyway, I'm quite enjoying them, and having read the true essence of vampire stories as they were in the epoque when everything sounded so peaceful transports me a little to Germany' Carpatian mountains, and old London. And with all the ”macabre”, I still find it romantic. I'm unbelievable, I know. Speaking of this, I MUST take a trip to Transilvania, because it's amazing how everything IS in fact talking about Vampirism. Even as legends I would love to hear it from people that are living there. Poor Vlad Țepeș can't even rest well in his grave, wherever that is, or if exists(no one knows).Ta-dam! But there are some weird gothic clubes around that area I would like to see:D. Yeah, I'm still flame-passionate with the subject. I don't think that will ever change, no matter the findings or happenings. Now I feel like saying ”See you all in Death Valley”. I have gone completely mad. QOTD infection. Mon Dieu!
Anyway, I don't feel like talking about other stuff now, so...
Ta-ta, mes damnés.
I...STOP.

2011-02-06T03:50:00.000-08:00

I wanna go at Sonisphere Italy!!!!!!!! It's so not fair!!!!!!!Iron Maiden, Linkin Park, Slipknot, Apocalyptica, Alter Bridge, Rob Zombie, Motorhead, The Cult, Papa Roach and so many others in one two-days concert!!!!!!!I WANNA GO!I wish I was home, in Romania!Life sucks!-__-

2011-01-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

This is the last post that will be related to this issue for a long time.That's a promise.
I don't read psychology books necessarily to help me understand better the people and world that are around me,but mostly to understand myself,and why exactly I make certain bad decisions...but oh well...my next post will be definitely on the book I'm now reading, on Freud.Maybe I misjudged the dude.The book, or more an essay,is called ”Death and us” and I must admit it was quite extraordinary well written.And happily he didn't made any reference whatsoever in infantile sexual repression anymore-__-.
Anyway,as I promised in my last post,IT'S ALL ABOUT ME,BABY!No other,but me!
Now,this will be some weird words,but admitting to something it's the first step in dealing with the problem,so...
I need a person (no references intended.Oh,well,if someone feels the spot,what can I do?:D) that would ”love”(again,hate the word) me with the same intensity as I do it,with the same flame and passion. I do not chose this words casually.It's not a shame to admit that I am afraid of attachment.That is because of the 100% bad cases that I have personally saw and witnessed.The other reason is because I know myself pretty well and I know that I am willing to give,even more than I posses,and that I dedicate myself above...the immensity.I sometimes wish it wasn't like that,but unfortunately/fortunately it does not depend on myself alone.I have learned through years that I develop some kind of mental relationship,more than anything else.It's just something that goes on in my mind,a sick mind,may I add.
To be honest,I am not sure I do believe in love anymore...I tend to believe in a lot of things,but this one,precisely,really makes me often doubt. If someone tells me,”Oh,I think I love that person”, I think I'm able to find you a reason why,without implying anything emotional, but more psychological-scientific one.It often saddens me, but either form a shield I have created,either because of something that lies in my ”Superego”,as some would call it,it does not depend on me anymore.
Yet,I enjoy to listen and read romances,and love poetry or letters,or to listen to how Ville is talking about the promise of love,until death and beyond...maybe it's because of my girly DNA,but I somehow doubt it's only that.I am myself a big fool for romanticism and dreams. A little too big of a fool.
How would it be if there would still exist,those letters,with a few lines written,but so full of meaning and sharing,that carry the perfume of the person you love, in which you can read respect and an absolute passion. I will end up like Madame Bovary. Or even worse. Pitiful me.
The point is that I do not want to believe it anymore.I do not want to hear about it anymore.I do not want to see it anymore.But how do you do,in this world,to totally ignore it?
I do not need to be someone's object of revenge for a past relation,or someone's play-toy.I do not wish to waste my ephemeral feelings,on the point to be forever finished and well locked.
I cannot describe my ... (no word is good enough),therefore I chose to describe it through someone else's words, that maybe understood it far much better than me,and that truly believed it.
One day, my Beethoven...

”Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - My angel, my all, my very self - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.
Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours”

P.S.: I always point out this letters, but they are just the apogee of love altar.
P.P.S.: One day...

2011-01-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

I have a strong feeling of self-distruction and a desire of forgetting of myself these days.
There was a time when I...I WILL CHANGE.I will make dramatic changes in my life.I will not be the person some knew me, anymore. Fuck everything else. This has come to an END!
”Enough about you, let's talk about me
My ego refuses to hear or see
To be distressed by your reality
Don't give a fuck about you, it's all about me
I will lure you into my reality!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S67RaN9MXlU

2011-01-16T03:38:00.000-08:00

...and yet the air passes coldly and indifferent near me, carrying your scent no more...

I hate it when I'm right. I don't understand why it has to be this way...everytime.
As scientists would say, the heart is only an organ that pumps blood and keeps us alive, therefore it is merely impossible that immaterial sensations could rise from it. Now I say, if that is so...why does it hurt so much exactly where the heart is situated,and no meds can calm that pain?...why do I feel like I want to rip my heart out?...

“I don’t know what to do. I only know that it’s taken me years to understand that life was pushing me in a direction I didn’t want to go in.”
‘You say people create their own reality,’ said Veronika, ‘but what is reality?’
Dr. Igor answered:
‘ It’s not necessarily the best or the most logical, but it’s the one that has become adapted to the desires of society as a whole. You see this thing I’ve got round my neck?’
‘You mean your tie?’
‘Exactly. A madman, however, would say that what I have round my neck is a ridiculous, useless bit of colored cloth tied in a very complicated way, and which makes it harder to get air into your lungs and difficult to turn your neck.
‘If a mad person were to ask me what this tie is for, I would have to say, absolutely nothing. The only really useful function a tie serves is the sense of relief when you get home and take it off; you feel as if you’ve freed yourself from something, though quite what you don’t know.
‘ But if you answer ” a tie is a symbol of social status” you are normal. If you answer “a tie is a useless bit of colored cloth” you are mad’.
“You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness.”
“Live. If you live, God will live with you. If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier.”(Paul Coelho)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ4iuDQAw5I

2011-01-11T11:58:00.000-08:00

The idea of school around here seems to be quite opposite to how I lived through school: here is very similar, from what I have heard, to the american type, meaning full with bullies.I understand now why school must be a pain to some. I suppose in the school I followed and hasn't yet changed, fortunately, if I were to make a scenario of bullism, I was more the bully than the bullied. What can I say?!I have always been more of a fighter than a defeated.
Do you think you're the center of the Universe, or something??!! Man, get back to reality! You're nowhere near the Center of the Earth or Universe, even more not the center of my universe.
I'm reading these days, as I have a real desire to read and a need for new informations, E.Durkheim, ”The suicide” (sociologist-yeah, I know:| Boring,you msut think;bare with me though:D). I wanted to read this book for quite a while now,and I happen to find it in the University's library, and as bonus, directly written in french. Nice! At first, I wanted to read it more out of curiosity and more in a joking mood, but I found it to be quite interesting. I would have thought that the writer would have a whole lots of judgments,only to discover that he has quite right in some of the things he said. So far, I came across a description of more types of suicide(I didn't even know there was more than one kind -__-) and the description of the melancholic suicide, as Durkheim describes it, is the following: (nice example)”Il est lié à un état général d’extrême dépression, de tristesse exagérée qui fait que le malade n’apprécie plus sainement les rapports qu’ont avec lui les personnes et les choses qui l’entourent. Les plaisirs n’ont pour lui aucun attrait; il voit tout en noir. La vie lui semble ennuyeuse ou douloureuse. Comme ces dispositions sont constantes , il en est de meme des idées de suicide; elles sont douées d’une grande fixité et les motifs généraux qui les déterminent sont toujours sensiblement les memes. Une jeune fille, née de parents sains, après avoir passé son enfance à la champagne, est oblige de s’en éloigner vers l’âge de quatorze ans pour completer son education. Dés ce moment, elle conçoit un ennui inexprimable, un gout prononcé pour la solitude, bientôt un désir de mourir que rien ne peut dissiper. ”Elle reste, pendant de heures entières, immobile, les yeux fixes sur la terre, la poitrine oppressée et dans l’ètat d’une personne qui redoute un événement sinistre. Dnas la ferme résolution de se précipiter dans la rivière, elle recherche les lieux les plus écartés afin que personne ne puisse venir à son secours.” Cependant, comprenant mieux que l’acte qu’elle médite est un crime, elle u renonce pour un temps. Mais au bout d’un an, le penchant au suicide revient avec plus de force et les tentatives se répètent à peu de distance l’une de l’autre.[...]Si le suicide est determine par des raisons imaginaires, il s’en distingue par son caractère chronique. Aussi est-il très tenace. Les maladies de cette catégorie préparent avec calme leurs moyens d’exécution; ils déploient même dans la poursuite de leur but une perseverance et, parfois, une astuce incroyables.”

Ok, still with me? The next thing that I found it quite funny and true at the same time,is the definition of imitation,that the writer gives:”Il y a imitation quand un acte a pour antécédent immédiat la représentation d’un acte sembable, antérieurement accompli par altrui, sans que, entre cette representation et l’exécution s’intrecale aucune operation intellectuelle, explicite ou implicite, portant sur les caractères intrinsèques de l’acte reproduit.”
See how I put out the ”no intellectual operation” in it? Awesome.:)) I laughed like hell.
Anyway,I enjoyed the writer's choice of words, as for example : ”appétit de mourir”...just genius. With all this said, I hope I wasn't too boring,but I found it essential to have this quotes well kept in case I will re-use them.
N.B.: I do not quite agree with what the writer says, but I appreciate his detachment.:D
Till next time, mes damnés...

2010-12-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

a)I do have regrets.I wish I could have done some things differently.I wish I could have been braver or more rational in certain moments.I don't believe anyone that says he/she has no regrets.Although those rush acts or decisions brought very important persons to me that only makes me regret it less,but still regret it.
I regret I didn't fight enough for you or for me,in that matter.Unfortunately life doesn't care about that and just moves on like nothing has happened,even if you wish time would just stop.But time only denies you any other opportunities.With time we don't get a second chance.Life is not a movie,but a very harsh reality.
b)I do feel.I do,and even if it's said that brain and heart have nothing to do one with each other,when I feel,I feel it in every cell of my body,indiscriminately.And I do lose control.It's the only time when I feel a slave of my own self.
c)To me writing is equal to a primary need and necessity.At times it's the only thing that makes me realize something that otherwise I wouldn't admit.I've been writing ever since I learned to write.I never stopped.I have journals,fictional stories,poetry,entire notebooks with thoughts.That's my biggest treasure.My thoughts.Although I hate them at times because they never let me rest,but they are the truly essence of who I am.And that is exactly why no one would ever be allowed to know them in primary condition,as they first appear in my mind.I can't allow that.They are mine and only mine.
This days I want to write some chapters to my book,decisively.
d)I do have fears.But I do my best to face them,and I'll keep trying.
I've been thinking of a word to replace the overused word ”love”.How about ”adore”?!I mean it has a certain passion in it.At least I think so (besides it kinda reminds me of a past era).Doesn't it sound better ”I adore you”,than ”I love you”.Hmm...I'm still trying to find another one.When the perfect one will come along I'll know it.
Till next time...

2010-12-07T02:46:00.000-08:00

Ok,more topics today:
1.I wonder what could be worse...the suffering itself or the denial?...Does that sound lame?!Or sad?!I couldn't know...
2.I hate football! A.k.a monkeys that fall and get dirty while running to catch a fuckin'ball-__- I guess I ahould have had a gene of football lover cause my dad is a Huge fan, he played and was a coach. I think he still is, actually:|. When the sport news are on, he's like deaf and blind:|
3. I hate cigarettes.Why, oh why do I have to smell that horrible smoke everywhere, and my clothes and hair get full with smoke,even though I don't smoke?!!!And on top of this, I actually might die sooner as a passive smoker than them,the active smokers:|
4.I don't understand people that cheat their partner or go out with two at once.It's besides my understanding.If you don't love that person then move on,don't make her/him suffer because of your promiscuity.:|Besides,at least in my case(I can't pretend that everyone would be like me:|) I don't feel any need to find another one if I feel something for somebody else.Because,excuse me,but if you do cheating or double dating,you don't feel love,but just the desire to have someone care about you because of your selfishness,or because it's not ”fashionable” to be single-__-.OMG,I hate the word ”love” so much.It's just so...ordinary:|
5.I am such a romanticism fool that this will be my end one day.I just have a dreamy like romanticism part in me, that makes me capable of mannny things,that are not necessarily in my favor.
Last,but not least,I'm reading everywhere I can,in metro or during the classes ”Tales of the Body thief”,by of course,Anne Rice.I think it's before the one with the whole God-Devil confrontation(”Memnoch,the devil”).But I absolutely love it.The part when Lestat becomes a mortal,more like gets into a human body it's just hilarious.I laughed like hell when I read it,and everyone was like wtf is wrong with this girl?:| But just genius the idea of making Lestat,after 200 years old since he hasn't been a human anymore,to suddenly get through all the human habits and sensations:))
My medicine is always you,mon amour.You're the only one that I empathy the pain with and that makes me laugh or tremble and get wrenches,no matter what.Things like this makes me want to move on and be happy that I am alive and well.Thank you,with my whole self...
I have to leave to the University,so till next time.Take care,my damneds...

2010-11-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

Was es ist - Erich Fried
”Es ist Unsinn
sagt die Vernunft
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe
Es ist Unglück
sagt die Berechnung
Es ist nichts als Schmerz
sagt die Angst
Es ist aussichtslos
sagt die Einsicht
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe
Es ist lächerlich
sagt der Stolz
Es ist leichtsinning
sagt die Vorsicht
Es ist unmöglich
sagt die Erfahrung
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe.”

(”It is madness
says reason
It is what it is
says love
It is unhappiness
says caution
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It has no future
says insight
It is what it is
says love
It is ridiculous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love.”)

2010-11-09T13:04:00.000-08:00

”Maybe the snow wanted to freeze my moment of suffering. But yet, I wanted to suffer, I wanted to hold her almost to suffocation, I wanted not to let her go, I wanted her to be all mine. With my whole existence and with absolute intensity, I want, I want, I want her!”

”An angel visited me and abandoned me burning in hell.No, hell would be easier.”

Quotes from my book I'm trying to continue, ”Desideratum”. I must have figured that I most like my own quotes, even if I need to be in a specific disposition to be able to write. But Aimé has more than a half of me and my everyday experiences, even if it doesn't seem so. And he manages to say everything I can't, or has the same problem as me in saying what should be said. Emotions aren't our forte, especially when you need to express them.I guess I am trying to speak through him.
NB:Aimé,Lord DuBois is my main character in the book.

”No matter how many deaths that I die,I will never forget...
No matter how many lies that I live,I will never regret...
Do you really want?
Do you really want me?
Do you really want me dead or alive to torture for my sins
Where is your God?”

2010-11-06T04:40:00.000-07:00

It's not the first time I get these ”suffocations”,I mean I breathe but it's like the air it's not enough or like there isn't any.I think my heartaches may be related to this.And these resemble way too much to panic attacks.I sure hope I'm wrong,cause they are getting worse every time.It's definitely not my imagination.Well,it's not like this was one of my best weeks either,or months.I miss home more than I expected.There are some things I'm sure about.The rest of it...lets say that I don't even count on time to fix anything anymore.Anyway I always said it,but never actually believed it.
I hate it when I'm right,and hope that I'm not,but it's like I'm cursed to always be right.Well,I guess it doesn't matter,sooner or later we all must resent and get used to it.
Well,never say never.
Till next time darlings,lets just hope time will just pass by faster.I sure hope so.Later...

2010-10-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

I figured out something yesterday.It made sense as a certain phrase we were talking about at a class a while ago came back to me.Don't ask me how exactly from 30 hours of debate this particular subject came back to me.Human brain is a mistery.
Anyhow,I figured out something about myself I always wondered about.It makes so much sense it's absurd.Yet is sick.It has much to do with Freud's totem hypothesis and the fact that we identify with our parental figures when we're just babies and that depending on this we later define our genre traits.Related to this I added here the absence of one of the parents or my case, both parents, most of the time.I'm not gonna expose the entire and direct theory here cause some things is better to keep it for yourself.
Nevertheless that is why I always tend to search for similarities and why I have the tendency to offer protection instead of requiring for protection,because I lacked it and in time I developed this instinct of self-conservancy.I guess it doesn't really make sense what I said,but I know what I mean by this.It's just sick.I do am the best psychiatrist for my own self.

How about a little survey?!I haven't did this kind of shitty things in a while.So here it goes nothing :))
1. Are you single?
Yeah.
2. Are you happy?
I guess.I don't wanna reopen my whole ”happiness” polemic I did some time ago.It's somewhere around here,in one of the posts.Although I must say it has a greater resonance this question said by Chester Bennington in ”The down syndrome” song from his past band Grey Daze.
3. Are you bored?
Now,not really,because I have to study at Statictics,so...
4. Are you naked?
On this freazin' cold?!Are you mad?!
5. Are you a blonde?
No.
6. Are you moody?
Have you ever been a woman?!Women are moody by nature:D.
7. Are you a lover/hater?
Right now I'm more of a lover than hater,but who knows what will happen tomorrow...
TEN FACTS

1. Name: Geanina and Viorela:p
2. Any birth marks: No,except I have a tons of moles,which I love.
3. Hair color: Brown.
4. Natural hair color: Brown.
5. Eye color: Blueish-green.
6. Mood: Sleepy and sick.
7. Favorite color:I don't know.It changes by seasons.I guess red at the time.
8. One place you want to visit:Omg,there are at least three:America(California especially),Finland(Maybe a Turku concert) and Japan(Tokio).

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
That's a tough one.I do believe in a more like physical attraction,but not love.Love is built in time.
2. Do you believe in soul mates?
Sometimes yes,sometimes no.:D
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally?
Yeah,who hasn't?!It's a kind of unwritten rule.
5. Have you ever broke someone’s heart?
I don't think so.
6. Ever had your heart broken?
This is the same question as before.But if you put it like that,my heart is pretty much a whole,not broken,so...
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Well,it can happen to anyone.Even with my so called ”courage” I get spooked sometimes.
8. Are you afraid of commitment?
Lets just say that I have had in my life only bad examples of couples,so I'm not exactly a ”love” friendly.
9. Who was the last person you hugged?
I think it was my sister.It's not that pathetic as it sounds.:D
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to?
To a friend back home.
TEN THIS OR THAT

1. Love or lust?
Love.Although I guess it's quite impossible to have one without the other.And I like more the word 'lust' than 'love'.'Love' is overused.
3. Cats or dogs?
Dogs(But smaller ones).
4. A few best friends or many regular friends?
A few best friends.
5. Television or internet?
Internet.
6.Chinese or Indian?
None:D.I'm a vegetarian since recently (1 year) so that kinda narrows down my options.
7. Wild night out or romantic night in?
Definitely romantic night in.I'm a romantic without cure.
8. Money or Happiness?
Happiness.
9.Night or day?
Night.Everything is more beautiful at night.
10. MSN or phone?
I guess none,really.
TEN HAVE YOU EVER

1. Been caught sneaking out?
Yeah,a few times.
2. Been skinny dipping?
No,I have a water apathy.
3. Bungee jumped?
No,but it's one of the things on my do-list.
4. Finished an entire jaw breaker?
No.
5. Lied to someone you liked?
Yeah,I guess I did.Bad girl.:D
6. Wanted an ex boyfriend/girlfriend back?
No.
8. Cried yourself to sleep?
Probably,only I was still awake when I stopped crying.How the hell can you even fall to sleep if you're still crying?!
9. Cried because you lost a pet?
Yeah.Everytime one of my dogs died.
10. Wanted to disappear?
More likely to be invisible.Or a fly.

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER

1. Smile or eyes?
Eyes.
2. Light or dark hair?
It doesn't matter even if in theory I like blonds or light browns like me (there's a whole story behind that):D.
3. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs,I guess.
4. Shorter or taller?
At least my height.
5. Intelligence or attraction?
Intelligence.
6. Romantic or spontaneous?
Both.
7. Funny or serious?
Depends on the situation,but I can be quite a ”clown” sometimes,so I guess serious.
8. Older or younger?
At least same age.
9. Outgoing or quiet?
I think more quiet.
10. Sweet or bad ass?
At the middle.

WOULD YOU RATHER

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?
Tongue.
2. Be serious or be funny?
Both.
3. Spend time with your parents or enemies?
None.

ARE YOU

1. Simple or complicated?
Omg,definitely complicated as the others think,when I can be quite simple,if I want to.
2. Retarded?
Some situations require that you act like a retarded.

DO YOU PREFER

1. Flowers or candy?
Flowers.
2. Gray or black?
Black.
3. Color or Black and white photos?
Either.
4. Sunrise or sunset?
Sunset.
5. Staying up late or waking up early?
Staying up late.

QUESTIONS

1. Which shoe goes on first?
Right.I think.
2. Ever thrown something at someone?
I want to.I want to so bad.I get this from my dad.
3. On average, how much money do you carry with you?
Not much.
4. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl.But I don't wanna hear about spaghetti for a looong time.
5. Have you ever eaten Spam?
No.
6. Favorite ice cream?
Ah...chocolate,tiramisù...and many more.I love icecream.:X
7. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
Just one.
8. What’s your favorite beverage?
I don't drink alcohol,so Coke.
9. Do you cook?
Yeah,actually a lot lately.

LASTS

1. Last Alcoholic Drink: None.
2. Last Car ride: I do not have a car and neither do I desire one.
3. Last Movie Seen: Despicable me.
Music: Last one on my mp3 player I think it was M.Manson and Korn- Cry for you or Him- Right here in my arms.

2010-10-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

I always like discovering new things about myself.It's kinda one of my favorite things to do.I like when I try out a new emotion,or a new variation of emotions,a new intensity, because it always tells me something new about myself.
That reminds me.I came across a quote these days that really felt very accurate to me.It would take too long for me to look for it again now but the idea is that no person is able to or should judge as long as the ”judgeful” never lived in the ”judged's” body and mind.Ok,maybe I lost you here.Hear me out.So,every person has different degrees and rules of morality,rules that are unbreakable to one and perfectly breakable to another,different thoughts(it does occur that two or more individuals have mainly the same thought,but each of them think it differently),every individual has different genetics et cetera...mainly every individual is different in every single way...with this in mind how can someone else judge what I think is wrong or right,or judge my decisions and my acts if that specific individual never lived in my mind and in my life(in my decisive and childhood environment,in the end my ”formation” environment).It's actually pretty easy to understand even if more than 90 per cent of the human population doesn't take that in consideration.
Regarding my affirmation that we are all animals and nothing more than that...I always considered this true,even if I sometimes try to deceive myself to think otherwise.We are all ruled in our actions and decisions by our primal instincts that all animals possess:survival,sexual,feeding...The fact that we possess language(even though I truly believe this was an impartial and unfair gift that was given away carelessly) is nothing more but a defining trait that separates us from others species,but not what proves that we have humanity.Even a monkey,a dog or you name it,possess more humanity than us.Even a lion takes care until death of its family and siblings and gives away proves of compassion when he leaves the antelope loose or kills her to spare her of its pain.
No one can say that in order to survive didn't do many unjust things or that has never acted like an animal.That's just denial.Even if later it becomes tortured by the huge Conscience.No one can tell for sure that the lion doesn't feel sorry to have killed the antelope.This subject and everything related to it can keep forever for me,because there are so many aspects of the problems.
If an individual becomes a murderer,yes we are disgusted with its acts,but we have no right to judge as long as we don't know why or what made him/her do that.Maybe what got him/her to the point of killing is just the fault of an another animal that slowly ”killed” even him/her.A killing can be more than just physical.Except no one really blames the ones that go for the psychic,even though they are much more killers than others.Why should we blame a killer that just acted respecting our primal instincts,that no individual can deny having?!We only have the unfortunate chance to ”justify” our facts out loud.Sometimes I wish I didn't even had ”the ability to speak”.Without that I think things would be easier.As I said I can go on forever.
You know,this place is actually more complicated that may seem.From when I was little and kept diaries in little notebooks with locks,I created a code of my own that allowed me to read far much more between the lines.What may seem a simple sentence to others may have so many significations to me(may be equal to a whole book).I could have so many references to people that are not at all obvious but only I can know.I honestly don't know why would someone would want to read what I write,cause in the end,even if I may refer to certain happenings or people,Here is only about me and what may seem important enough to me to write.It's just easier nowadays to keep an online diary than one written in those little notebooks,although if you ask me I prefer the old way.Those notebooks had something special of their own.
Here I am,writing way too much,well you know I like talking to you here,right?!See ya soon,
Good night damneds,never give up.
NB:The ”you” I always refer to,as it may seem a dialog,is always me,or better yet my mind and conscience.I know what I want to say.It's not a real flesh person.As I said,is only me,myself and I here.
Update:Here's the quote I was talking about: ”If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.”(E.Hubbert)/This has as main cause the intense watching at all Criminal Minds seasons.What can I say?!I love criminals with imagination.And Dr.Reid of course:D.

2010-10-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

Almost a month since I have arrived in Rome.What's new? NOTHING.This sons of bitches are postponing the beginning of the new University year for what seems forever.It does feel hard to be far from my friends and my life back home,but this departure was essential for what I have to do later on.Many aspects of the life here annoys me and it is a strange thing how the human brain functions...I mean when I was home I had some thoughts that it seems that haven't changed and probably never will,even though its a totally new situation...and maybe not only my thoughts.Well,it's not like I haven't considered this situation too before I made this step...actually this seemed like the most likely situation that could have happened.
Besides this,a year with mom seems extremely long...extremely...long.I still can't believe and still get surprised of what I see and hear from her.I really can't understand her decision of having me and „keeping” me,20 years ago,if she really never needed me in her life.But then again that wasn't her decision(heh,I never thought I will end up being in the position where I have to thank my grandma I have a life).I know what she did for me,but you'll have to be blind and deaf in order to not see the obvious.And she still wonders why I act like that...Yeah,you have to be a genius to figure that out.This sounds like ”teenage” problems(but I feel like I'm not the teenager here).I thought I got past that.And I had but I haven't been living with her for like the last 10 years,and even when I lived with her,it felt like I wasn't,so...
I wonder if it's possible that I'm afraid?!...It seems like I have a list of ”yes's” and ”no's”.I never took that in consideration.You and me are more alike than you imagine. More than I imagined.
An idea that makes more and more sense occurred to me...I know I just got here,and I think maybe too much afar,but...what if I will do my Master directly in USA?!I mean,why wait another 2 years and do it in Bucharest,when I can do it directly there?!Besides this will solve the visa problem,and a part of the money problem.For that I have to continue studying like so far and get very good grades,and then somehow start applying for scholarships in USA.Omg,this sounds so good that I can't believe it.But it's a realizable option.Besides,this year here it's going to pass one way or another,and then the last year goes by fast and then I can leave.It's a lot of work but it's do-able.The problem is how I do here with my grades,because back home I will do good for sure.I have to stay focused on this purpose.2 years...and I might see my dream become a reality...if I get there and do this,I will be the most happy and content person on Earth.Just imagine...ok,there are some conveniences that may come in the way in this two years,and I don't know yet what to do in that matter,but my purpose is this and even if some changes will be made to the original plan,I'm not gonna stop.Here is not my place and it's not where I want to be.
It's always going to be hard but I have to dare,and do whatever I want to do.I only have one life. In this journey,maybe later two people have place.Two people to whom I made a promise,and if they will still want to do this step forward in the next years,I will be there for them.
God,keep me safe and I will try do the rest. I'm never satisfied with what I have.How could I be?!It's only natural to want more.And follow your dreams.So far,even if I have made some changes to my plans,it all went the way it should have went,and I am proud to say that the decisions I made were all mine.
Darling,you can see I missed you.Lets stop this here for now.
Damned,still damned,my time will come when I will be free of all this and so will yours.
Good night,faith may be with you...

2010-09-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in a while now.I had a lot on my mind.I still do.The departure is nearly here.Probably the next time I'll be writing here I'll already be there.My dad seems very sad that we're leaving,and keeps saying to us that he loves us.Such a tough word...My friends are all sad.But I think dad's calls are what is making this seem so real.What was just an idea became a reality.That's a proof that everything can be done if you want it.But there's something else that is really making me depressed.The fact that this year will pass,with its goods and bads, but after this one year there is a great possibility I will be returning home to finish my studies here,but all alone.Nothing will be the same anymore.It's like I will be starting from scratch all over again,even here.But not even this is what makes me regret the decisions I took(although I know one day it was going to happen).The fact is that my sister is probably gonna get a job there,near to my mother and that may mean a permanent separation.I mean after I finish school God knows where I'll end up being.And...try to understand this...I love my sister much more than I love myself.It's almost a possessive love.But don't judge me.We've been separated all our lives,and about three years we were reunited.That was the biggest and happiest news of my life.And she,remaining there means at least one year in which I will be living here alone,and in which I will have to leave her go,because there's nothing I can do to interfere in this decisions.Call me selfish and everything,but I don't care.I don't want to do that.I guess she's my weakness.
Mom left me once already.I recovered after that.Dad wasn't near me.I got pass that.But not again.My mom does not have the right to separate us again.And even though we "might" get closer one with each other,with mom,that doesn't mean I forget everything or that I forgive everything.Something disappeared from inside of me the moment she left me,9 years ago,alone.Don't get me wrong cause I'm more than grateful to her for all that she has done for us,and I know she left because she had to,but back then I was yet a little child left abandoned and forced by the others to do what they wanted so that I won't get beaten or argued.I am grateful to everyone.I am grateful because all that every single person did to me,made me what I am today and as strong as I am now.But some things can not be erased.
Ok,is very hard for me to talk about this things,and I prefer not to think about them.
Someone said that keeping a diary helps you realize things.I think that is very true.I had a diary from when I was a little child and this helped me a lot,because I can only trust me and my mind 100%.Everyone else doesn't matter.
I fought and overcame a lot of things to become who I am today and I am not gonna let no one to take that away from me.NOBODY!
Till next time...
...don't worry mes damnés, life goes on no matter what.

2010-08-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

I posses something that allows me to live without any problems for now on as I did so far.But shhh...it's a secret.

PS:The last time I forgot to introduce here the new member of the family.This is Teodora Amelia,the sweetest girl on Earth(L).Hey,and remember I'm not into babies:| Neah,just convince yourselves.Till next time,kisses damneds and be careful what you dream of...

2010-08-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

Back home.Everything seems right at this point and quite done.I don't know why I don't feel satisfied with that.
I don't quite understand how this works.I take a dramatic decision and it's like transmitted or what the hell?!This suppose to make me change my mind?!I'm "sorry" but I can't do that anymore for this little,all this back and forward doesn't do me good.It's strange how I say to myself to do in a way and at the moment being I do exactly the opposite.It got me thinking but the truth is I already gave it too much thinking.I can't say what I decided in clear words,because I do not want to.But everything is clear in my mind.I need to remember what I decided,because if I change my mind now,in the end,later I will come to the same decision.And I can't go on like this all my life.I MUST NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THAT AGAIN!
I just don't understand why everytime it happens like this.Is there a rule written somewhere?!It's just way too taken from the books.Reality isn't like that.Then again,maybe...even if I did not said anything,I made myself understood and my decision...my silenced goodbye.
I have contrary feelings.I feel I'm the betrayer in all this.And it can only be me.And I don't only betray who I do not want to,but also me.I struggled so hard to get to this point...somehow...and now I decide to let it all go.But I do not understand anything,and I'm not sure I want to understand anymore.Life is short,I don't have all that time.
Soon we'll see...very soon...time always give us the answer,even if we accept it or not...I can't believe this is happening.I just hope that a bump won't announce me it is ALL happening!
Till next time...try to learn from your decisions,mes damnés...

2010-07-19T13:34:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to feel like I can have a little privacy here again.I don't know what was in my head the first time.Well,who understands me,right?!I don't think I have figured out all of myself yet.
I don't think "it" realized that that was the end for me,but it was...though it's a strange feeling.It didn't feel like I was expecting to,but well,it never does,doesn't it?!But I think reality is starting to make its presence known to me,because I don't think I was ever prepared for that,but I've tried for so long to make the decision,and now it feels...I actually don't think I feel anything.Maybe I'm not ready to accept it yet,maybe I'm not sure what that means yet...but it's not like I ever did understood it...
The thing is that I had to be practical on this,and just admit I was going nowhere.
Moreover,I came to the conclusion after a lot of thinking that what other people fantasy about it's not gonna happen to me because that is not me.I don't think I will ever be able to do that.It's just not who I was so far,who I am or who I'm going to be.Of course there will be the "ordinary" weak moments when I will change my mind for a second but that is the truth.I have to stay honest to myself.After all,who am I kidding?!
Although future is an incertitude,that is not my future.I am not a part of that person's future.As much as now it may hurt to admit it.
I just have to try to enjoy life as much as I can,and do everything as I want to as much as I can.Alone!I'm never gonna go back to what I did.I have to keep that promise to myself no matter what.I'm not a coward,to give up.I'm just making the decisions that everything points them to be right,even I don't want to.That was just spinning around the tail.Lets be serious.
I'm going away for a month,so,we'll see what changes during that time.Hopefully much.
Till next time,darlings...
PS:I've totally fell in love with "Vampire knight" again.I think that is my Nr.1 anime.It just have...everything(from atmosphere,love triangles,romance,humor,action and it's well thought of).

2010-07-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm writing now because I feel the need to talk with someone,and with the people around me I just...can't.
It's not like it's not an understood feeling but I don't want to share with someone that will just throw it's opinion in there.God,I hope,I beg,I pray make all this sorrow,expectations worth all the trouble.Please...
This longing is just killing me...I feel it burn every cell in me...And it's not that what frightens me...I'm afraid this will never stop,that will just continue forever and for what?!...For nothing?!...God,make this not be for nothing.I need it too much,and I like to think it that I'm not the only one that need it...
It doesn't matter anything else now.Actually for quite a while nothing else matters...That's probably the reason why I haven't written anything in the last months.Because I made a promise not to write if this is what I want to write about.But I needed so much to "say" something.
Please...please...

2010-06-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

I've been over my head with things this month,and when I got a moment of quietude I preferred not to spend it writing here.The big news are that I finished this year's exams, all with the best results, I just found out that my aunt gave birth to a baby girl,and I'm really excited about that and can't wait to play with her:D, the Erasmus thing is going good so far and it got me stressed to the limit:|.What else?!...I'm starting the practice next week and I have one more month to go till holiday (although I don't know if I can't call it holiday cause there's tons of paper to do till departure).Things are going better than I expected so far.I'm trying to be as optimistic as I can and try to focus on things that really matter now.Only God knows, I have never ever foreseen that I would get here.Things have evolved far more than I ever considered, and mostly based on small but spontaneous decisions.If someone told me I would get here, even a year ago,I would have tagged him/her as insane for sure.I don't know, I think I just want to change something,to do a change in my life that I,for so long,craved for.Hopefully it was a good decision,although I like to think it as right because any decision I would have taken that would have brought a change to the natural/normal course of things around here,would have been right. Although this is not the decision I thought I would take,and probably never would have if I wasn't forced by the circumstances,everything is going by the plan,to say so.There lies greater,far more greater,things that follow this change and the whole ongoing of this ordinary life.This is for me just a step forward to the original plan.Hopefully it will turn out how I want to,if I play my cards right.
I go by the motto that if you want something,if you want a change,then go and do it,don't just expect to fall from the sky.Destiny is in our hands,and it's up to you how it will turn out.And I can't say I wouldn't change anything that I have done so far,because there's a tone of things I would change,but all were the right decisions considering the circumstances.
Till next time,darlings...take care.

2010-06-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well,few posts lately.Mmh,I can't say I'm doing it on purpose.News...
Not really something that I might consider a great news,that's worth even mentioned.I only hope everything will be over soon,on every life plan possible.Exams are beginning,and I need big grades no matter where I will be next year,so...it's mostly an exhausting time,but I'm anxious to begin so that I'll finish faster.I'm trying as much as possible to concentrate on everything that has no importance,and not to day dream about what I might not even really want.It's all this agitation around me that is making me nervous.
I got again to the point when I'm in a deep confusion regarding more than one thing.
Still,my decision remains the same:I'm going further no matter what,or no matter how tired I am.Or if not I'm moving on no matter the circumstances or consequences.I'm not the type of person that backs off from something,and especially not that easily.I'm a convinced adept of Perseverance.
At some point or another one should take a decision,even if it will hurt,or provoke unspeakable happiness,or just because of selfishness,something it has to be done.Why kidding ourselves for nothing?!
PS:Still,we have only ourselves,and no one else than us.Remember that always,especially when you think you found another belief/solution/way out of this awful truth.It's only the naked truth.Believe it.
Reality has nothing to do with dreams.Even if we fool ourselves into believing that.
Yeah,I know,it's way too sincere,or straight to the object,but it will only be better for anyone that has this things cleared.It's not pessimism at all.
Till next time,take care damneds,cause I will do my best...

2010-05-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

As much as some think that I can be a real mean bitch sometimes,I'm sorry* but no one is gonna take advantage of me or take me for a fool,cause I'm not.I realize in a second when the line has been crossed and I will take the measures needed.So,don't blame me,blame yourselves for trying to get the best of me without permission.I think I'm like saying this for like the millionth time,but take care cause when you'll less expect it I will turn at 160 degrees to do what I think it's best for me.With time this is how I adjusted to the nowadays society:I learned how to play and react so that I protect myself above anything else.Call me selfish,call me whatever,I tell you this:I DON'T CARE.Really!The reasons for that are plenty,were plenty and probably will never change.And to tell the truth I don't even want to.Sorry* that I can't be "the gentle,kind person" you think I am,but I became what I am because of you.So,back to my last words:Don't fool yourselves believing that someone else can help you,or care about you,because in the end you only have yourselves,ONLY YOURSELVES.Trust me on that.

*Not really,I'm not sorry at all.

2010-05-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

God,I haven't felt this well in such a long time.I really feel it's that time when I can move on,close one chapter of my life,and start a new one.And honestly no matter what happens,or where,future do sound good.The idea of actually remaining here it excites me like never before.At least for the near future.I feel I belong here,at last.But it's not only that.Maybe the brain finally agreed with the heart and decided it's a new age,at it should have long ago.I can actually lack some feelings that really bugged me for awhile.But not anymore.I'm totally Immune.And it feels better than anyone would expect.Awesome!!!At last!!!How I would characterize the lasts "weaknesses"?Just like that.Some small weaknesses that I gave more importance than they actually had.That's one thing I absolutely love about me.I recover from anything much more than fast.Now I have to completely lose some habits that have become mostly a routine,than an interest,and it's all done.I actually noticed a very low interest,compared to other times.And I couldn't be more glad about that.After all,I think both mind and heart agreed that I was only relating to that something,maybe because of a personal need,or a stupid bad influence.But not anymore.I don't need that,never did,and I can go back to my old beliefs.I don't even know what was will all that madness?!That wasn't even me.What a stupidity that lasted more than enough.
Now,today starts a new fresh beginning!
Indeed,I only have myself!
PS:I saw something that really made me glad,although I would prefer not to ever happen.
Till next time,damneds,take my word,you only have yourselves.Don't fool yourselves for nothing,believing anything else than this.
"I don't believe in anything,and that makes me stronger than you think."

2010-05-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

That's a demonstration of what people do,as well as myself,when they're bored at some ordinary class:D
Seraphim...
I decay for you,
Drown in sweet debauchery
For you...
My angel,
I see the birth of my innocence
Rise from you
I see your wings
Everytime I hear you say
'I love you,do you love me too?'
I feed your wings with fire
Hoping to be the Phoenix rising
From the ashes of your burned love,
I see myself fall...
Content, and yet hanged
By the hope your kiss arise in me
Falling,my seraphim...for you.
(Title-"Stuck on...")

2010-05-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Remember the research I'm making about Satanism?!Well,I hate to say I was right all along.I wish I hadn't.I'm not done yet with all the research,but I have collected enough data to know that I wasn't wrong at all.Beside the fact they contradict their own ideas,people are just as judgmental as I thought they are.I mean,they don't even give a small chance to whoever has something different to say in this society.They just blow up every chance right from the beginning,and then they say that they don't judge and that they respect other people's believes.Bullshit!This new generations even worst.Lets say that maybe old people were old fashion.But,the nowadays generation has absolutely no excuse.I must say that I'm more than disappointed regarding every creature and its filthy judgment.Nevermind,that now they firmly believe I'm a Satanist.I amused myself over the top.One of them actually told me in "private" that he doesn't think that true satanists reveal themselves so easily,and that they hide it so that they integrate between what they think its "normal" people.Ha!He was actually giving me hints.I barely stop myself from laughing.Like if satanists actually care to integrate between they small narrowed minds,and will do all that effort to make themselves accepted by such foolish individuals.
I don't quite know if this research meant to reveal only facts about satanists,or I just used this as a pretext to convince myself of how stupid some people,or better the "majority" of them are.And they have no idea of the world they are living in,even though they pretend to have.
I wonder if I managed to scare some with all my questions?I'm quite sure I did.And they have to keep pretending,because,oh well they depend on me,since I'm their leader.If you come to think about it,and about others to come,it's quite a devilish plan of mine.I don't mean only this.
Well,I have to take my mind off with other stupidities,such as this one.So...
...I guess,till next time...keep disappointing me.

2010-05-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Oh God,oh God...I keep doing what only harms me.When I will finally learn?When I will finally just accept that it's just the way it is and I can't possibly do anything to change it?!!!How many do you have to endure or see to just realize what's the obvious?!Stupid,stupid!!!That's just not for you.It never was and never will be!Understood??!!!No,because I never quite understand,do I?!Because I'm such a fool!
Just move on already and hope it will soon be over.Nothing more than that.Just like so far.Stupid!Be as numb as you can,and it will all be over.
I hope to be...or maybe I don't...I seem to have a natural talent in choosing and doing all that I shouldn't.A natural stupidity.
And when I think about how much I was willing to...or maybe still am...not that it matters now...or ever.Just foolish of me.Like always!
NB:This,and many others,is and were private discussions between me and myself,refereed as third person.No others,than me,and me,and me...and ME.

2010-05-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

God,I actually can't believe that I hadn't wrote anything for so long,but I don't even know where my head is,from all the things I have to do.I don't know where it will end.Still nothing sure,still running from one side to another to do everything,and completely exhausted how I hadn't been in such a long time.I'm glad it's warm outside and I can jog and get rid of some of the tension.And the view I have when I jog is extremely relaxing.Something like that,just greener.

I saw two husky dogs today.Man,I love those dogs.I don't know if it's because the eyes remind me of someone,or because...well,they're just beautiful.I wish I had blue eyes.Well,I have a "little" obsession with blue eyes:D.
I hate it when people get so over excited with something without a reason,and like giving you false hopes.Do they like to be deceived in such a horrifying manner?!I prefer staying calm and thinking as everything is exactly the same,so that in any case the disappointment is going to be smaller.At least that's the best way I found to treat the manner.And although I have many moments when I wish I had changed my mind,I'm not withdrawing.I'm going further to see what happens.
I hope the next two months or more pass quickly and when it all ends I can finally take a time and relax.
Well,nothing else for now,although I'm quite sure I haven't told anything that actually matters or has any big importance.
Till next time...

2010-04-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I made the right decision,but it was more the obvious choice,meaning it didn't depended on myself.Those were the choices I had,and I'm sure that this was the only choice worth taking in consideration,at this point.Although if I had the choice I wanted I would have chosen that.Now,I don't know if it will turn out fine for us,after all,but there is half of me that wants eagerly to see this accomplished,and the other half that wants me to fail now,and to allow and give me more time to decide better.It's a struggle now.Next week,hopefully I'll find out if I have to start worrying about what the heck I choose,and what that implies.Still,I can't say that I won't be disappointed if we're not chosen,the first half of me will suffer greatly,but the other one will thank God for answering its prays.In 2 months I will recover from whatever disappointment though and I will be ready for the second round,if it will still take place.The point is,I'm not giving up on the idea,although I'm scared as hell.And not afraid to admit it.I may have no idea in what I'm getting in.But I will soon enough,find out.The second time though I'm decided,if there is need for a second attempt,to follow only and only my brain,and be only rational.That taking in consideration that now I wasn't all rational.And of that I'm aware.I know myself quite enough,to know when I'm wrong and when I'm not thinking straight,even though I couldn't do anything to fix that now.
I have some of the most crowded periods of my life,and I couldn't have been more happy about that.Maybe some don't understand,thinking about all the stress and fatigue,but I'm sooo glad to see the days pass this fast.
A thousand projects,essays and exams and I'm glad about that.It was already official I'm insane.Now it's just a renewal of the state.
[Sweet Pandemonium]“bottomless perdition,to dwell in adamantine chains and penal fire”

2010-04-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

RIP Peter Steele.(Type O Negative front man)
You know, there are some icons,up there,that you never expect to disappear,even if you're aware they are going to die someday.They like leave the impression they are eternal,and then you hear such excruciating news that reminds you that nobody lives forever,and death doesn't forgive anyone,no matter how many things you have done in life.And then you think about what you leave behind,a sign that you were alive,to be sure that your memory doesn't just fade away with time.After all,we are humans,not that I regret that.Not in the least.I am glad to be a human.I don't really believe in an afterlife,so that makes things shorter,or so I have the impression.I have way too many things to do,that the actual fear of death consist in the fear I won't manage to do everything because I can't possibly know when I'm going to die.It could be right now(this kind of thinking is maybe because I have seen death with my own eyes,enough times).And what will I leave behind?Beloved sister and daughter??!!Let's be serious.I was that from the moment I was born.Nothing has changed?!
Now,Peter surely wasn't much a believer,if not at all.I wonder where is his place now.Or he just vanished?Just like this?Lets bury the stinky body and move on;and everything means nothing!It's like I never existed.I do understand my "beloved ami" from that point of view.
Peter will surely be remembered for what he did with his band,and he practically wrote a part of the goth history.
But what will I do?Kids to carry out your memory and love you?In at least 100 years nobody will even remembered I lived.Then what's the point in being alive?To make the best you can of it.Or at least try.And regret nothing.Mmm,the news of Peter's death saddened me a little,so that's the reason of all this bullshit.Nevermind me.
From that point of view,we are damned.
Farewell damned,till next time and...take care of yourselves.

2010-04-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hey,I just remembered.I had something to do,and this deviations from what I want to achieve do not serve my purpose.Oh,no,no,no...Thank God I woke up now and that I've recalled my desires,my desires since FOREVER,and that nothing will and should interfere to change that.And that be sure!What's with all this dreaming bullshit.That's not me,man.I'm the one that fights to get everything that wants,and nowadays nothing has changed and nothing will.What's with all the thinking about everything else,that has nothing to do with me,personally?or my future,that I plan to make it as perfect as I think "perfect" means?And I have way too many things to accomplish to allow anyone to interrupt my road.I TRULY AM MY OWN REDEEMER AND DON'T HAVE A DESIRE FOR ANOTHER ONE.I'M A FIGHTER AND A SURVIVOR!THE GOD OF MY OWN DESIRES!And I'm not gonna avoid to take the decisions that will only bring me the feeling of accomplishment even if its not near what others think means Accomplishment.
So,screw you and you and you,I'm one step closer to my fulfilled "dreams"!
Bye,bye mtf!
Song: Evergrey-"Monday morning Apocalypse"(bleah,just ignore the lyrics,I just love the background).This guys fuckin' rock!!!Yeah,man!
PS:I'm not drunk or somethin',by the way!Fuck,I don't even drink :)))

2010-03-28T00:24:00.001-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me these days,but I don't want to talk about it,or write about it.I feel...strange.More than usual.
I'm going to my grandpas for Easter after all.I'm pretty nervous for the period after holiday,because it begins the applications for Erasmus,and I'm not yet decided in which country to go to,in case I'm selected.There are a lot of things holding me back,and I know that if I go,when I'll come back nothing will be the same,but it's a risk I have to take.I want to take.Now,I don't like to make plans from before because the disappointment will be greater if I already consider myself gone.But,I do have to think about that "if".I hate it that it's only Europe in accord with Erasmus.That makes things harder.Mom of course wants me to go there,near her,but I want a fresh beginning,from zero.And I would love to go to Germany or Finland:D.Now "if" I leave in October it's going to be a tough one.Courses only in English,when you barely understand some things in your own language,and from what I heard Germans are not so "friendly" with outsiders.But it will be a great training.Still I HOPE I get selected to go,with all the risks assumed.This holiday I have to think it well what I choose,cause it may be more important than I realize.
Many projects in store,exams are already getting close.I'm excited about my Satanism research,although I don't know where the hell I'm going to find 30 satanists to interview.I'm looking for trouble,for sure.Oh,well that's me.
Oh,well,of other things I prefer not to speak.You know,when you admit something out loud it becomes more real than it was before you do it.Now,I'm not afraid that it becomes more real,because I'm very aware of that,but even formulate that sentence it makes me frightened and guilty at the same time.It's just too painful.So,I prefer avoiding to even think about it.
PS:H.P. Lovecraft is actually a genius of fantasist horror,a more psychological horror,to say so.I'm really enjoying his writings.
His room is filled with books of the tamest and most puerile kind, and hour after hour he tries to lose himself in their feeble pages. All he seeks from life is not to think. For some reason thought is very horrible to him, and anything which stirs the imagination he flees as a plague.[...]It might be in the visible world, yet it might be only in his mind and soul. Perhaps he held within his own half-explored brain that cryptic link which would awaken him to elder and future lives in forgotten dimensions; which would bind him to the stars, and to the infinities and eternities beyond them.("The descendant"-Lovecraft)

2010-03-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Long time since I have not written anything,but right now it's quite pointless to write what hasn't changed,and surely won't change very soon,as much as I dislike it.No more dreams,no more deceiving from others false hopes.Don't feed others dreams,take care of your own.No nothing.
Just a big NONSENSE,and POINTLESS.
Shush!
"...when I sit alone at night and wonder far and wide
as I succumb to the sounds from my heart...
...vain."

2010-03-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

How would everything turn out if we had no expectations whatsoever?It should probably be better,because you won't get hurt or disappointed as long as you don't expect anything.On the contrary,it will only turn out with a good surprise,no matter what the result will be.Expectations are probably the cause of all the pain,in every situation.
It still happens to stop for a moment,when the other ask you something or waits for you to react by saying...anything,and you wonder "should I say it,just as I think it,or should I say what I'm thinking,only in a softer manner?" During this whole process it will probably came out something totally different than what you would like to say,just because either you had too little time to think about it or because you thought too much.It's quite a tough decision,in certain circumstances,to choose between common sense and naked truth.I usually choose the pure,naked truth but that might not be quite such a good idea,because even if people ask you to be honest it doesn't mean that they actually also want that.
I saw something the other day on an ordinary website,regarding someone,that stupefied me.Beneath the date of birth,it was just like this :"Date of death:Alive(or unknown)".Is it only me,that thinks that something is not right there??I think there are actually more problems,and the signification of that association...God!I wonder if whoever wrote it thought about what's writing or it just seemed natural and normal.Or I'm just insane and obsessed?
And still nobody listens to me when I say that words must be chosen properly and with great attention,and that they shouldn't have been left on the hands of every stupid being.Oh,well...
"Serva nos, salva nos, eripe nos!"

2010-03-03T10:33:00.000-08:00

I don't usually dream but,oh God,what a beautiful dream I had..."just a dream?!"...but it's not an impossible dream...I want to fight,I will do all that it's possible and "impossible" to get that simple moment,to feel that warmth...so much love that you could actually feel it running through your veins,overflowing every single particle of yourself,every artery that embraces your heart.
Something so simple,and yet that makes tremble every bone in you because you fear that you might lose that one day,and so you hold on more tightly,you're afraid of letting go...just being there...just holding on to...embrace the warmth...look into those eyes that transpose you through time and space to look into the deep.
A dream...but not an impossible dream...I want to hold "you",I want to "feel" you...not impossible...Fight!!!

2010-03-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

Well,I don't have much,new,to say,since my last post was enormous.I mostly said then what I felt I wanted to say.Now,either is the new month,either spring,I feel a little revived.I somehow feel I can still fight and overcome all that may come,even if it could take some time.But I'm still there in the front line of the battle field.Even if things don't work out,even if I can only lose,I don't give up and I'll try and try and try until I'll have no more power whatsoever.I myself don't know how I got pass everything last week and found this new strength but maybe it's just the desire of not giving up.Anyway I never give up on the first obstacle,even I might say that obstacles make things more dynamic,so maybe I quite like them.And,in conclusions,I'm still the first one in line for battle and have no plans of avoiding it or "running away",so to speak.If everyone needs some conviction or strenght can really let himself/herself influenced by me,cause it seems I have more than plenty.Still!
So,bonne nuit,mes damnés.Farewell,till next time!

PS:This are one of my art lately.One is something I liked,and plus I haven't drawn a violoncello yet.Then it's Orpheus,without his Eurydice,sadly,surrounded by death(of love,of life,take it as you want).Then is the well-known picture of Akasha and Lestat,but I didn't really liked some aspects,so I think I'm going to change some stuffs around there.And the girl that tries to get out of hell and I don't quite know if she would succeed.I did those in some of my "darkest" moments,that's the reason for the more "creepy" message.But I liked them all,so enjoy!Dirty as always,don't know what to do to this fucking scanner.Not some of my best,but there are mine,so I love them just as much.Someone asked me to sell some of my drawings,but not really.I think I put to much of myself in them,even if to ordinary eye it doesn't look like that.But each of them mean something,has something within it,some memories or feelings of the moment I did them.If I'll sell some drawings,they will be made specially for the buyer,but I don't really want to commercialize even this.I'll just feel I've tainted something mine.Oh,well...

2010-02-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

“I find a strange pleasure in saying things to him that I know I shall be sorry for having said. Now and then, however, he is horribly thoughtless, and seems to take a real delight in giving me pain. Then I feel, that I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day."(D.G.)

I think this was one of the worst weeks in a long time.In some kind of conjuncture or what the hell,I don't really know,but this week either everyone managed to piss me in a way or another,or almost everyone had something with me.Wtf?!And the week isn't over.I had many on my mind,but you know,it's like when everything that you thought you had last week crashes next week.And I mean EVERYTHING.Not really a nice feeling.
I am wrong in one side of the matter.Words do matter.They can hurt quite much.Actually I knew this,they are a good weapon.It's worst when they fall into the hands of someone that doesn't think of the consequences of what he/she is saying or doesn't think at all.These days I received an important lesson that I'm not going to forget easily.Though lesson!
No worries though.I will always be fine,no matter what.I don't care if I'm egoistic maniac but I,myself,should matter the most.Ok,time will heal everything.And I don't need no one to wash the floor with me or my feelings and I won't allow this!That be clear!And I'm tired of saying the same things,but I think it's necessary now:DON'T YOU,ANYONE,TAKE ME FOR GRANTED!No one but me owns me.Don't worry because the minute I get the impression that someone do thinks that I'm somehow an object always ready to be used,always there in a corner,will have the surprise that it's not like this and that I'm long gone.I DON'T BELONG TO NO ONE!I AM NOT AN OBJECT!I AM NOT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!UNDERSTOOD???
I discovered again how immature some can be.Or is it me that I have a more mature and decisive view over things regarding this matter?!I'm sorry but it can be another way.And what the hell happened with that closure,man,so suddenly??!!I can't find any reasonable explanation!
I feel I need some isolation now,from all the opinions that run beside my ears,from all the noise,from computer,everything.I feel the need of burying myself under the books.Maybe the silence from a reading room.Only picturing this,it sends shivers down my spine.Perfection!I need not to see,hear nothing but my own thoughts,or better someone else's thoughts:reader's.Anyway I took some books at home but it's too noisy in here,I can't transpose myself properly inside the story.
My obsession with words is more acute lately.None is proper.It seems like I don't even want to think words,speak words,even write words.Well,I'm just too obsessed,like with all this analysis.
Then,it's approaching the period of participating to the annual scholarship for abroad.I'm not quite sure if this is possible now,but good grades I have(I mean 9.85 from 10 I think it's quite enough) and if it is possible I must think very well where I want to spend the 6 months or even 9 months.It's a long time,and I wouldn't want to leave sis alone for so long.It's not a matter of courage,cause now I want this the more.Mom will surely want me to go to Italy,but it's not really what I want.Plus that woman visiting me like every weekend,no way!I would like Germany or Finland,cause France it's too...I don't know,not really.The fact is that I want it to be as far as possible.Now I really need to decide,if this thing will be possible for the next year.Anyway in 3 years,I'll do my best to get that scholarship.I need it!I don't care what anybody else thinks.It's not about anybody else,but me here.Plus hopefully in the 3rd year or after we'll finally move to Bucharest.It's a lot about future now,and a lot about decisions.Again!
I didn't liked my behavior lately,or better my weaknesses.I need to fix this NOW.If I let myself like this,when I'll fall,crash it's not going to do me good at all.And just crashes I caused,lately.Stop dreaming and focus!All this is for my own good,and no good will be if I keep dreaming.Actually I'm quite aware of the reality,it's just difficult to accept its cruelty sometimes.But you've seen Geanina that nothing good comes out from everything.I want to be alone!Now!I want not to think!I'm tired of thinking!God,it should be quite nice for the foolish ones that believe everything has quite a simple answer.Nothing is easy!Tired of games,of immaturity.It's just too tiring!It's like dealing with little kids,only they know better what they want or what to do.I bend down to them!
I'm definitely out of solutions of what to do to not think.Good God,all this doesn't make nothing easier for me.When will I be surrounded with some mature thinking people that understand the seriousness of the future and of the gestures??!!When will they understand and realize the consequences of their acts??!!

“There is a fatality about all physical and intellectual distinction, the sort of fatality that seems to dog through history the faltering steps of kings. It is better not to be different from one's fellows. The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. They live as we all should live--undisturbed, indifferent, and without disquiet.”(D.G.)

2010-02-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

I don't even know how the hell I let something like that cross my mind.Stupid!STUPID!I need to make some remedies to this part.Hell no,I promised to not do this to myself.Just stupid...Ah,I hate this feeling.Actually no,I hate every feeling.
I wonder how is it to walk through crowds and walk without direction or with just one direction,just moving.Not being conscious,not feeling or hearing anything,just like a robot.Life would be much easier,definitely.
But if I think about it I wouldn't really like to be like this and easier.I just say this now or every now and then,but who knows: maybe I like this "torment".Oh,that's a though word.But what other explanation is there?!And what will be the beauty,the satisfaction of every single small moment of happiness if everything will be just...grey?!
Just an amalgam of stupidities running through my mind these days.Or maybe just like always."Stupidities"?!Really?!These stupidities have a significant importance for me if I can't get pass them.
"Right or wrong?!There's always two sides to every story."

2010-02-20T07:32:00.000-08:00

I can be quite a bitch sometimes,haha.I admit it.The problem is that nothing and no one will ever get in my way of getting what I want.Surely,there are some exceptions,but I'll figure out something to free my way.No worries regarding that.
People may sometimes wonder why I changed my behavior so suddenly,or if "they" did something wrong(everytime it happens).I now answer:"you" didn't do anything out of the ordinary,out of the daily hypocrisy routine.It's like this:I sometime accept that hypocrisy because I feel the need,or because I just ignore it or maybe sometimes,because of my own stupidity.Nevertheless,sometimes I feel so sick of all the falsity that I just don't think I'll be able to restrain myself from throwing up on "you"!Anyway,don't think I'm stupid and that I don't know or get "your" hidden purposes.I'm perfectly aware of that.ALWAYS.Lets say it's just an exchange:"you" use me,I use "you";in matters that "you"'ll never know.
Everyone wants something from me.This I know.And if "you" get what "you" want it's because I let "you".For example now,I really feel very sick and as I don't have any need,I can very well live on without "you".Don't "you" think I'm an instrument that you throw after use.I might do that without "you" even realizing it."You" NEVER.
Hmm,don't "you" ever,anyone,underestimate me!You have no idea how I survived so far and what's inside my head.TRUST ME!^ ^
PS:"You" has a general use.No references intended.Oh,well now,if someone feels offended I couldn't care less,it's your problem,and maybe you should feel offended.

2010-02-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

Back home!My aunt is pregnant!!!What a beautiful surprise.I hope it all turns out fine,cause there are some problems,but we have to be positive about it.It will turn out.And I'll have a little cousin.Lovely * *!
I'm quite curious how things will evolve from here,what's going to happen.The problem with me is that I don't really have patience.I played different scenarios in my mind of what are the possibilities.But as always there will always be a certain scenario that I never quite approached.That's the beauty of things.Even if that scenario isn't quite what you want or what you'd like to happen.I sure hope so that it's not what I even deny to think about and convince myself that there is going to be fine and "easy",to say so.
I can't really say that I don't like what's going on now,when things seem to look good on all plans.And I can't say that I'm not worried,but I decided not to think for once and just let things evolve naturally.Even if it's not the turn out I was hoping for.Not that it's too late even for that turn out.Surprises!
I can only hope for the best.Maybe it's my turn too.Finally!:D:D ^ ^

"It's time to make amends/For all of the fun/The damage is done/And I feel diseased/I'm down on my knees/Now I want release/From all this decay/Take it away/And somewhere/There's someone who cares/To have and to hold."
PS:When one person has nothing to do,does stupid things.For example,I think I'm tired to draw on paper that I started drawing on my skin:)).First the eye,now how my future tattoo might look like.Not so clear I know,and just something extremely easy.I want something more complicated:D.

2010-02-13T23:22:00.000-08:00

Mmm,so exams over(10 at all,but one).I'm getting ready for a few days holiday in the countryside.
Now,I don't have much to tell.Or don't want to tell.Whatever.
Probably the same problems as always.Just trying to understand why some people act the way they do.Gosh!Then,even this fucking day passes quickly,so no major problems here,and sis is coming home.Finally!I was almost on the point on talking to myself:)).A lot of things to think about,but at which I don't want to think about,and doing the best I can to avoid and distract myself.
I can't wait to warm a little outside,to start running again.Omg,I so need a running nowadays.
Yeah,this is my second attempt and it would remain this one.Definitely.

So,the two drawings where made with the purpose of a gift,not mine anymore.Actually if they were mine they wouldn't be like this,for sure.But,oh well.In Honor of this great fuckin' day.Whatever.They aren't quite finished,and I struggled myself not to put too much black there.Kinda unusual for me,but then again they are not mine,neither for me.Looking dirty as always.Don't know wtf,cause on paper they are not.Mhh...

2010-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

I fear so much that I'll have to make a choice that I don't want to do.If I'm made to do that,I might decide to choose neither,so please avoid that.I just don't want to accept that it's just have to go like this.Why does it have to be like this?If people were more decisive regarding what they want and prevent losing the person they want,just do and say what they want,it will all be easier.But why on Earth,who should say something at the right time,suddenly wakes up when it's too late or when they just hurt the persons they "supposedly want more",than they can possibly know by making them choose.Just be decisive and fight for what you want.You won't get a second chance.And please don't force me God into making such a decision,or please avoid me to be put into such a situation.It's the last thing I need right now or ever.
Please,please think better at what you really want and let me know.
I don't understand why some people are so possessive.I can't divide myself into more pieces and make everyone feel like they want to.It's not easy to see this kind of behavior,and to fail into trying to get people understand one with another.Every person has a well delimitation space inside myself,and there's enough room for everyone.I'm not some kind of marionette with which each one can play as the wish.
I'm not sure I want to go through with this,cause I fear that when I will feel that maybe I've moved on then I will be forced to make a choice that I don't want to make,and later regret it.Oh,God if only people could be as sure as me of what they want!

Ok,here's a drawing that made quite a sensation lately:)).Geanyx everywhere:))
And my girls,without one:X:X

2010-02-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

I think I have sort of found my alternative strength I was looking for...at least for now.And when or where I wasn't looking,or expecting.Well,it's rather something else than strength,and it's kinda drawn from someone else,not my own,but it's okay like this,now.Hmm,this always,but always,happens.I wonder why?!But then again,I have too many questions and wonder too many things,that could never,also have an answer.
This are some very odd times.Maybe there is a reason for why some things are revealed at a specific date,in a specific moment.Or it's just "so called fate" messing around?!
What's with this strange desire of writing?!And there are still so many things I feel I want to express.Hey you,"strange desire"!Yeah,you!Calm yourself down!
One week of exams and over.I don't want to see any books till summer.Oh,actually no.I do want to see books till summer,just not that kind of books.
I should probably head to a heart medical control,this is getting serious.All the double seeing,dizzy,heart beating heard from all around and in the whole body,lack of understanding what happens around me for a few seconds,and shaking.Hmm,not now.Maybe I won't die before I actually take the control.It's kinda good to be able to laugh of yourself in serious matters.Oh,well,when my time will come I would die even because of a stupidity,so...to hell with this now.I can't wait to go to the countryside.Yupi.I miss all so much:D.
Still fighting.Never stopped.Never will.No matter what.Times like the recent ones will pass,time passes,and I will still be fighting.There will always be reasons for it.

2010-02-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

Ok,so I rush into things again."Screamworks: Love in theory and practice" is AMAZING!This has to be celebrated.Ville did it again!Love you man* *!!!"Disarm me" probably will be my favorite as I expected from before,but all the songs have something special good in any moment of the day.OK,I'M TOO EXCITED TO EVEN WRITE,so thank you God for this blessing.Farewell,damneds,search for the hope that Ville thinks he may have discovered,and now I'm gonna go and listen to the album endlessly.So,bye!

2010-02-02T23:49:00.000-08:00

Ok,someone wants a soul?Here,take it I don't need it anymore.Anyway I never wanted it,so go ahead.
I just HATE it when I don't know which way I'm going,what the future looks like.Actually I would be curious to know if I there is a future,or how "long" is this future.My guess is,not very long.Mmm,strange to some but I think the end is rather comforting,and probably even if I fear it as anyone would,I embrace it.I'm heading to some of my old habits of sensing life...
I need some certainty,in no matter what...just some certainty...hmm,maybe that Pareto asshole is right regarding some things.
What is all this??!!For sure I am...
Oh,well in these moments I guess I have a darker vision over life than usual.Too much time for thinking may be the problem...
Hmm,this is getting stranger and stranger every minute.Is it possible that...?!
Don't try to understand.
Here's a quote for madness.Darling,you always understood me.I need you now.Thank you.
"But did you embrace it? Did you understand it? Did you believe it?
Mon Dieu! You make me miserable! You really do, I want you to know that. Much as I love you, much as I need you, much as I can't exist without you, you make me miserable!Go ahead,spit on me. Revile me. I dare you.What do I care?
No. I don't want you to do all that. Don't do that.
DON'T DO IT!"(B.C.-A.R.)
Love: Evergrey-Different worlds.

2010-02-01T01:51:00.000-08:00

Wish...
"Peace, the certainty of the sublime, the irresistible joy of faith, the cessation of all pain, the profound abolition of the meaninglessness."(B.C.-A.R.)
Lately I've been creating a phantom-like presence following me,especially in the Solitude.I didn't made it on purpose,but it's somewhere in my subconscious.You know,there are those moments when you wish and crave for something/someone so deeply that if you close the eyes for a few seconds,seconds that may easily overcome a eternity without,you can feel,how it would feel in a hypothetical situation.I guess the brain doesn't make the difference between reality,or even more "impossible reality", and dreams.I do adore those moments,although it's just a greater disappointment.But though I am a lot of a day dreaming,I do stay anchored in reality,so it's just a matter of seconds...I can't grant to myself more than seconds,cause it's unearthly.
Oh God,Oh God...!
Can...would...should...will...
"I felt a burn of life through the hard coldness of myself.I felt a raging flame that caught every particle of me.I felt a pain in my heart.I might have laid my finger on my chest in the very place."(M.D.-A.R.)

2010-01-30T02:32:00.000-08:00

Ok,so just 3 more exams,not that I really care at this point.I'm beginning the lacto-vegetarian life style on 1st of February.Hopefully it will be a long term program.I've been thinking about it for quite some years and it's one of my biggest wishes this year;I don't think I realize the many things I have to give up to but I'll stick to it the best I can,no matter what the others still eat.The only thing that will probably be hard to do is not kill the filthy bugs anymore.
Maybe it's finally the time to make those changes I crave to do,but ignored so far.I deserve it!
It's quite funny how when you finally get used to solitude,with the tomb silence,something interferes to change all that.Oh,well...
"...you will go through rapid cycles of cruelty and kindness,insight and maniacal blindness.You'll probably go mad.Then you'll be sane again.Then you may forget who you are."

PS:I think the new HIM album is the most commercial so far,aspect that I don't really like,but at the same time one of the hardest to understand,lyrically speaking.Ville sure is the king of hidden meanings.I hope one day I'll be half as wise as he is,as read as him;it's "razorblade" sorrowful to understand it at that high level and be unable to do anything to prevent it...But to what the fuck page 43 refers to??!!New testament??!!There are so many references to Latin or Greek or whatever books,and legends,stories,the deep significance they hold within,that it takes forever to decode all that he means to say.I love that!!!* *!My model and point of reference FOREVERMORE!I'm still shocked how those people didn't hear about them;I mean how the fuck?!
"I'm your Christ to die on you/This world's not for us and you know it as well as I do.":D

2010-01-25T13:14:00.000-08:00

Alone...literally...mmm...like I already said there's been a complete state of mind that is changing second after second,but kinda remaining the same...It's hard to explain,but still not feeling like writing because I made a promise to myself some time ago,and I don't want to keep and keep brake it.It just wasn't ok.And besides that,there's nothing I would like to tell,I just keep it to myself this time.It's better like this,if I try to just ignore it.Plus the crowded period of time of now it should keep me busy from all the thinking...it should...so far it's not really working,but,well I hope it will...I keep saying it's better this,better that.I don't really like this,got to get rid of it.To hell with this,I don't believe myself either,when I say it.It is not for the better,just convincing myself,at the surface."convincing"...this doesn't seem the right word either;it's not convincing at all...well,I better stop here,before I brake my promise.
Farewell,my damneds.Continue believing it's not the end,the condemnation is not eternal...
Dare I open my eyes and see
How much more can they possibly harm me
The frustration
The hurt
The fear
Of a week wounded soul
A deeply wounded soul...
I hope I beg
Can't someone come and take my soul
And take my soul...
My promises nothing worth
I see it all so clear
But my words mean nothing
All for just another chance to speak with you
Show you
But my words...
But my words mean...
Nothing

2010-01-21T13:50:00.000-08:00

Mmm,tired but extremely...detached...of everything.Although I have passed some rapid changes of mood,from aggressive and furious to very calm and careless.Now it's the last one that took over me.I don't really feel even like writing,and I won't probably feel like it in the next two weeks too.
Why,oh why do I had to have an exam exactly on 8th of February??...I was sure it will turn out like this looong before recently,but hoped to be wrong.Why,oh why always happens only the bad things I predict and not the good ones??That's a mystery.Misery mystery!
Mmm,let me continue my state,and till next time,adieu mes damnés,une soirée tranquille pour tous,les anges vous embrasse...
I don't care where,just far
Away
I don't care!
Away...

2010-01-19T01:20:00.000-08:00

5 more exams.God help me to pass them all.Damn Logic!I keep messing things up,get back up,and all this shit.I have been very busy and still am this time of the year and I have no time to think about myself.Maybe that's better.Colleagues,you are "true":)).I have an extreme urge to read,read and read.I can't wait to find the time:D.
Now a little fragment from the testament of Longinus(the answer to who this is,is below).Just to have it memorized here,before it gets lost who knows where.

'One: That though you are Damned, your
Damnation has purpose. It is the will of God that
you are what you are, and the will of God is that
the Damned exist to show the evils of turning from
Him. The evil become Damned; God has taken
those worthy of His love to His own side.
Two: That what you once were is not what you
now are. As a mortal is a sheep, so are the Damned
wolves among them. That role is defined by nature
— wolves feed on their prey, but they are not cruel
to them. The role of predator is natural, even if
the predator himself is not.
Three: That an ordained hierarchy exists. As man
is above beasts, so are the Damned above men.
Our numbers are fewer so that our purpose is
better effected.
Four: That with the power of Damnation comes
limitation. The Damned hide among those who still
enjoy God’s love, making themselves known only to
exemplify fear. The Damned shall make none of their
own, for such is a judgment of soul that is the purview
only of God. The Damned shall suffer yet more should
they slay a fellow to take his soul from him.
Five: That our bodies are not our own. Our
purpose is to serve, and when we stray from that
purpose, we are to be chastened. The light of the
sun excoriates; the flames of a fire purify fleshly
evil. The taste of all sustenance other than Vitae
is as ash upon the tongue.'
For those who wonder who Longinus is,we find the answer,again,in his testament.

'Seeing that Christ was dead,the soldiers did not break his legs.One of the soldiers,however,pierced his side with a spear,and blood and water flooded out.A drop of Christ’s blood fell upon the soldier’s lips and he wiped it away with his hand.Yet the next day,he slept the sunrise,and roused from his slumber only at nightfall and after tasting Christ’s blood,he thirsted for more.I know.I know because I am that soldier.'

2010-01-15T13:38:00.000-08:00

"What's wrong...?...Just a moment ago,you've said you wanted to be next to me...and yet,you're the one pulling away...?
That's because...a wish as cruel as mine couldn't possibly be forgiven or granted.
I can't do that.I can't possibly...let go of you...If the only option I had was to lose you,then I...I would prefer death instead...could you please kill me then,by your own hands?
You can't be speaking seriously...
You really...don't realize,do you?...You know...I receive with complete delight absolutely anything that is given to me by you.Even if it was a cruel demand,simply pain,or even the blade to take my life,I would welcome it,coming from you...you are the only one who brings color into the dull grey of ashes that my heart is...My hands are...far more tainted than you imagine...could you stand the idea of living every day being touched by someone as tainted as me...?
You...Even if you are tainted...I don't mind!...what horrible things did you have to endure all alone for so long,to feel this way...?...Please taint me too..."
"Everything...shatters to pieces and crumbles away...slipping between my fingertips...and when I noticed...I was completely alone..... ............"

2010-01-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

Fallen...
Am I going to His's direction?Am I heading to stranded and unconditional madness?!
"You believed in nothing,now you are nothing!"
Sure of nothing,Unsure of everything.
"The questions are answered and we try not to weep."
yet,still I weep...
"...never leave her alone..."

2010-01-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

First post in 2010.And back home.I got to pass into this year too.I wouldn't have thought it will happen a few years ago.It's going to be a hard,hard year.I wasn't ready to begin this new year,but it's not like it's going to wait for me.First week it's been more than painful,and my heart ached both literally and metaphorically speaking.I was not able to fix anything.I didn't begin the year in a cheerful note,but I'll feel better later,after I can rest.I hope I'll rest.But not now,there are 7 exams knocking on the door.I know how to get my strength,but I don't want it now.I'll have to figure out an alternative.I'm strong.I'll get to 2011 too,in a better or worse condition,I'll get there.
*New year's eve...the usual feeling.People may wonder why I hate this particular night.Because never in my life I was with who or where I wanted to be.Because there's all that unbearable noise,because everyone act so happy as if they really are.It's the most fake and monstrous night of all.And because it's just another night,and the next day it's just another ordinary day.Why should I celebrate this?...
*Officially I'm tired of my imagination.It's like it has it's own conscience and lives only to deceive me.Leave me the fuck alooone!Don't keep feeding me with images of what will never happen.It's only gonna drive me mad!God,I can't control it anymore.Leave me,you too,go to someone else,disappear,leave me alone!
*"Damnatus nunquam condemnatus in aeternum."This remains unchanged.God,oh God I hope this is true.It's my last chance,my last hope.I don't know what to do anymore.
*"You don't drink,don't smoke,don't have sex.What do you do?"(question made to me these holidays).First of all,no one should give a damn about my life;I decide what I want or don't want to do.Cigarettes are a complete waste of health,money,and time,it doesn't make me any good,and it smells like hell.Drinking...I think I had and still have enough "models" in my life to never make me wanna at least put my lips on such a poison.I promised to myself the moment I began rationalizing,that I would never drink in my life.I don't care what others decide.And the last point,well I can't really say since I'm a virgin,can I?But as I said in the past,I give a great importance to it,I respect myself and my body,I don't need it and could live very well without as I did so far,I'm not going to do it just to be like the others as this nowadays stupid teenage girls,I'm not an adept of the "sex before marriage" thing.When it will happen it will,and with the person I think deserves it,that I love and that knows of the love I'm capable to offer.The point is that I have different values after which I guide my life and I don't care if someone disapproves.
*Why it hurts everytime more?It's not logical,it doesn't make sense.After it has already happen once,twice,three times,it should hurt less,right?And instead it hurts infinitely more.I don't know why the heart never listens to the brain and gets affectionate like a fool,by herself.
*End:this year surprised me going more and more insane and with less and less trust.Oh,I'm so tired.Farewell,mes damnés.
PS:Today's flight was one of the most shaky but beautiful so far.If there is heaven I like to think it looks like that sea of clouds all puffy and with angels flying all around.Can nature be more beautiful than this?And ME...in that heaven,In a Heaven.I could have died happily then,and fast.All a human can do is dream,right?...Even to dream is hard now,when I'm still not sure of the effect of my believes being shaken that hard.I have a lot of things to think about.Two of my "art" of this weeks.I'm too tired to comment them now.The "Christ" is one of my darkest works,and the other one,I just liked the feeling it gives me.

One of the most incredible,and enormously overflowing with feeling,definition of Love I have ever read.I'll remember it forever,for sure.Love="Baudelaire,in Braille".

2009-12-28T08:12:00.000-08:00

I just finished "Memnoch,the devil".It disturbed me mentally,it terified,ravished me.The fact is that I could have read this long ago,but I read it now.It seems like it was meant to read it now,and this precise book.It started attracting like all other Rice's books,it continued with a disturbing SF part that I didn't seem to get it,I didn't find,at first,it's place there.Now I understand Rice's point of view.After the world's evolution description I began reading it eagerly,but I stopped very often.I couldn't bare it.I could have lost my sanity for much less than what Lestat is described to have seen.How did Anne had the strenght to see or to write it this full of painful emotion?I think it's the turning point when Anne decides to plead for redemption,or at least to her attempt of persuading herself that she believes.Lestat believed in nothing,and now he's unsure of everything.The seed of incertitude and insecurity was now planted within me and there is no turning back.I can not go back to where it began.It doesn't make sense anymore.Anne drove Lestat, meaning herself,to a path that I think she doesn't believe but forcing herself into believing,into forgiveness,after all.It hurt me with every sentence and word I read.I don't understand why she plead for that path.I have to understand,I have to go on.Lestat wouldn't have done that.He would have lost his mind first.He nearly lost it.
I don't see how this was a coincidence.Why now?It struck me in one of my weak moments of trust...and to have this kind of effect...I don't think someone would understand...not like this...it's fiction,but I don't want to understand.No,no,no this is overwhelming.It took my sleep for a few days.I keep seeing this,the images,my imagination gone wild;I need "him" now.I need to go on...I need "him"...what is the end of all this,or what should it be like for me to understand her vision?... Please, understand...I need someone to understand like I do,or at least to discuss this,what does it mean...this is too overwhelming to even start thinking about it...I need "him" now.