I don't know what's wrong with me these days,but I don't want to talk about it,or write about it.I feel...strange.More than usual.
I'm going to my grandpas for Easter after all.I'm pretty nervous for the period after holiday,because it begins the applications for Erasmus,and I'm not yet decided in which country to go to,in case I'm selected.There are a lot of things holding me back,and I know that if I go,when I'll come back nothing will be the same,but it's a risk I have to take.I want to take.Now,I don't like to make plans from before because the disappointment will be greater if I already consider myself gone.But,I do have to think about that "if".I hate it that it's only Europe in accord with Erasmus.That makes things harder.Mom of course wants me to go there,near her,but I want a fresh beginning,from zero.And I would love to go to Germany or Finland:D.Now "if" I leave in October it's going to be a tough one.Courses only in English,when you barely understand some things in your own language,and from what I heard Germans are not so "friendly" with outsiders.But it will be a great training.Still I HOPE I get selected to go,with all the risks assumed.This holiday I have to think it well what I choose,cause it may be more important than I realize.
Many projects in store,exams are already getting close.I'm excited about my Satanism research,although I don't know where the hell I'm going to find 30 satanists to interview.I'm looking for trouble,for sure.Oh,well that's me.
Oh,well,of other things I prefer not to speak.You know,when you admit something out loud it becomes more real than it was before you do it.Now,I'm not afraid that it becomes more real,because I'm very aware of that,but even formulate that sentence it makes me frightened and guilty at the same time.It's just too painful.So,I prefer avoiding to even think about it.
PS:H.P. Lovecraft is actually a genius of fantasist horror,a more psychological horror,to say so.I'm really enjoying his writings.
His room is filled with books of the tamest and most puerile kind, and hour after hour he tries to lose himself in their feeble pages. All he seeks from life is not to think. For some reason thought is very horrible to him, and anything which stirs the imagination he flees as a plague.[...]It might be in the visible world, yet it might be only in his mind and soul. Perhaps he held within his own half-explored brain that cryptic link which would awaken him to elder and future lives in forgotten dimensions; which would bind him to the stars, and to the infinities and eternities beyond them.("The descendant"-Lovecraft)

Long time since I have not written anything,but right now it's quite pointless to write what hasn't changed,and surely won't change very soon,as much as I dislike it.No more dreams,no more deceiving from others false hopes.Don't feed others dreams,take care of your own.No nothing.
Just a big NONSENSE,and POINTLESS.
Shush!
"...when I sit alone at night and wonder far and wide
as I succumb to the sounds from my heart...
...vain."

How would everything turn out if we had no expectations whatsoever?It should probably be better,because you won't get hurt or disappointed as long as you don't expect anything.On the contrary,it will only turn out with a good surprise,no matter what the result will be.Expectations are probably the cause of all the pain,in every situation.
It still happens to stop for a moment,when the other ask you something or waits for you to react by saying...anything,and you wonder "should I say it,just as I think it,or should I say what I'm thinking,only in a softer manner?" During this whole process it will probably came out something totally different than what you would like to say,just because either you had too little time to think about it or because you thought too much.It's quite a tough decision,in certain circumstances,to choose between common sense and naked truth.I usually choose the pure,naked truth but that might not be quite such a good idea,because even if people ask you to be honest it doesn't mean that they actually also want that.
I saw something the other day on an ordinary website,regarding someone,that stupefied me.Beneath the date of birth,it was just like this :"Date of death:Alive(or unknown)".Is it only me,that thinks that something is not right there??I think there are actually more problems,and the signification of that association...God!I wonder if whoever wrote it thought about what's writing or it just seemed natural and normal.Or I'm just insane and obsessed?
And still nobody listens to me when I say that words must be chosen properly and with great attention,and that they shouldn't have been left on the hands of every stupid being.Oh,well...
"Serva nos, salva nos, eripe nos!"

I don't usually dream but,oh God,what a beautiful dream I had..."just a dream?!"...but it's not an impossible dream...I want to fight,I will do all that it's possible and "impossible" to get that simple moment,to feel that warmth...so much love that you could actually feel it running through your veins,overflowing every single particle of yourself,every artery that embraces your heart.
Something so simple,and yet that makes tremble every bone in you because you fear that you might lose that one day,and so you hold on more tightly,you're afraid of letting go...just being there...just holding on to...embrace the warmth...look into those eyes that transpose you through time and space to look into the deep.
A dream...but not an impossible dream...I want to hold "you",I want to "feel" you...not impossible...Fight!!!

Well,I don't have much,new,to say,since my last post was enormous.I mostly said then what I felt I wanted to say.Now,either is the new month,either spring,I feel a little revived.I somehow feel I can still fight and overcome all that may come,even if it could take some time.But I'm still there in the front line of the battle field.Even if things don't work out,even if I can only lose,I don't give up and I'll try and try and try until I'll have no more power whatsoever.I myself don't know how I got pass everything last week and found this new strength but maybe it's just the desire of not giving up.Anyway I never give up on the first obstacle,even I might say that obstacles make things more dynamic,so maybe I quite like them.And,in conclusions,I'm still the first one in line for battle and have no plans of avoiding it or "running away",so to speak.If everyone needs some conviction or strenght can really let himself/herself influenced by me,cause it seems I have more than plenty.Still!
So,bonne nuit,mes damnés.Farewell,till next time!


PS:This are one of my art lately.One is something I liked,and plus I haven't drawn a violoncello yet.Then it's Orpheus,without his Eurydice,sadly,surrounded by death(of love,of life,take it as you want).Then is the well-known picture of Akasha and Lestat,but I didn't really liked some aspects,so I think I'm going to change some stuffs around there.And the girl that tries to get out of hell and I don't quite know if she would succeed.I did those in some of my "darkest" moments,that's the reason for the more "creepy" message.But I liked them all,so enjoy!Dirty as always,don't know what to do to this fucking scanner.Not some of my best,but there are mine,so I love them just as much.Someone asked me to sell some of my drawings,but not really.I think I put to much of myself in them,even if to ordinary eye it doesn't look like that.But each of them mean something,has something within it,some memories or feelings of the moment I did them.If I'll sell some drawings,they will be made specially for the buyer,but I don't really want to commercialize even this.I'll just feel I've tainted something mine.Oh,well...