I don't know how to be perfect.I don't know what you understand within perfection.God knows I tried to understand it.I can see the failures,faults,but it doesn't matter.To me is more than enough.It's perfect.The way it is.I was well aware this can happen but I can't...my imagination feeds my soul with illusions.I'm too much of a day dreamer.I gave in to the human part.It hurts every time I hear those words I will like to whisper.I wish I could read minds.But I can't.The tears are only for me and only mine.No one is to be blamed but me.I always said this human part is only causing troubles.And words are still not enough.But I'll be fine.Alone.Like I always am.Sooner or later.
NB:'you','this' have a general use;
And,yeah,one more thing.Since when did I become other's entertainer?I don't even know where from this idea came out in the first place.I mean,I don't have the right to not speak,to be sad,but I have to please and make everyone laugh?!Oh,no,no,no,wait a second,folks.I'm gonna put an end to this false image of me immediately.
"I imagine stories...I make up moments and words..."

Venice,August 2009

So,I am more than thankful to the ones that made this trip possible for us,especially because my sister was amazed.I could see that since I mostly tried to see and understand that place through her eyes because I didn't wanted to take the town for what it's known for.I was,again, surprised of my reactions.I was more than unsensitive.I,from the second I found out we are going there,didn't want to go.It's rather a paradox.So many people dream of visiting it,and even I wanted that somewhere in the past,and when I got the chance I didn't wanted anymore.I think it was rather pathetic.I mostly thought it was a beautiful and unique place in which I wouldn't like to live in.If I was to visit Venice I would have liked it to be in different circumstances.I was rather attracted by the big ship I saw and the water,than by the city itself.Again a paradox because I am afraid of water since it brought death in front of my eyes twice.But as we travelled by boat all the time I was more and more attracted by it.I can't really explain it.Words are never enough for me.I had some time to think and I realised something else about myself.Noboby knows me.I mean everyone knows a small part of me,a different part.It's like a puzzle.But all put together will still not make a full me.There are so many things nobody knows and that sometimes I don't want to accept.I don't like to think about those things.I deny them.

On the other side,the holiday I had at my mom now it was probably one of the worst holidays in my life.I would have prefered I stayed home.At least there I was sure of some things.At least I know what I did,and I know that's all I could have done.I did all this with my own hands so I don't even have the right to cry or complain.That right doesn't belong to me.I have the strong feeling this is another end of my life.I don't want to admit it but this is true.Seems that life really doesn't want to help me.Luck it's really not my thing.I always made my own luck.I also think it's time to accept things are how they are and to get used to this idea for the rest of my days.It's not pessimism.It's a reality.Well,again the right to cry or tell about this isn't mine.I must leave this there buried deep inside.I think my conscience is well peaced with herself.At least I think...
...this is another goodbye in my life...a painful goodbye...maybe the most painful I had by now,even because I can understand things differently...

Yeah,it's been a week since I got to mom...nothing worth telling...I get easily bored cause I mostly have nothing to do;but then again I don't feel like going anywhere on a trip or something.It's too complicated to explain what I...well,nothing.I don't really care about what mom talks to with her friends or boyfriend,so I mostly spend time jogging or now I got used to stay for at least an hour on the stairs to watch the stars,at night,when everyone's sleeping and it's heavenly peaceful.I don't like the fact that there aren't enough stars.I sometimes feel like taking a long walk in the evening,when it's colder,but I can't go by myself.Not funny anymore,but kinda sad.That's why I jogg.I feel trapped.Well,I think my life becomes more interesting now because my mind is feeding her with illusions.And with that I said pretty much all.

Went to the country side.It was a mess there so I did some cleaning,washing and dusting,and it was exhausting because I had to divide myself so that I can see everyone in a short time.Regarding my cousins-I'm missing so many things,that I don't want to miss.But,it's nice to see they care for me so much and that I had a big influence upon them.I watched the little one sleeping,I couldn't help myself;he looked so innocent and it seemed like everything makes sense.I took the older one to sleep with me Saturday night cause I was a little scared of sleeping alone,cause my uncle was hearing voices again,was drunk,wanted to hang himself.We locked ourselves inside and it was ok after all.Now,Friday off to mom.I think the first week I'll sleep and relax,cause I'm extremely tired.It wasn't a vacation at all until now.The paper works are ready.I try so hard to stay out of everyone's business and they still get me in the middle.Like I don't have enough problems on my own,to get involved in their problems.Oh,I saw that guy from the car,in town,and he has the same attitude-well,the idea is that he's not pretty,model or something,but he has something.So,it's not physical attraction,but rather an intellectual one.It's not his appearance that got my attention in the first place.It's hard to explain,especially to superficial people.Many don't understand that.But to me it doesn't matter the appearance,cause you can't do anything with that.I,a million times,rather have a smart conversation.I was surprised to see him though(got my reasons why I was surprised).I discovered that I'm a great detective when it comes to infos I need and want.I'm a little worried of what's gonna happen in the next weeks.Don't know how to react or what to do.And I don't like the idea of expressing my instant reactions.I always end up doing silly and stupid things when I haven't thought everything before.I'm too impulsive.
"Rassurez moi si les douleurs nous rendaient meilleur... Je voulais juste me connaître mieux,m'épanouir à tes côtés...J'aurai voulu t'offrir le meilleur de tout mon être...T'aimer autrement qu'à contre sens..."