Back at it

Hello, my damned forgotten corner of the world,

It's been ages. I and my state of mind has changed in some ways, yet scrolling through my past feelings, maybe I haven't changed as much as I would have loved to. The moments of light in my life have always been overpowered by an overwhelming endless pit of painful thoughts and feelings. Many people have wandered into my life since the last time I was here, few have stayed (as usual), and some have left this world. Many things have changed. Yet not all the ones that mattered, I guess. Time and what surrounds me have turned me either into a stone cold person, or fragile beyond belief in some unanticipated moments. The fears have only accumulated and the list of people that mattered the most has shortened by much.
When I was here the last time I hoped for some changes from another point of view, as well. That slight change has come at some point, but at the time I am writing this, I wish it'd never happened. My dreamy nature and the last bits of innocence were dissolved either by this human occurrence, or by being forced to face complete loss. In one way or another, the last one mentioned, has become a part of life that I had to get used to. As much as someone can get used to that. The spontaneous moments of weakness prove that I can't embrace it as if it's part of life. It shouldn't be.
I decided to write this because at some point in time it used to be my therapy. And it's the only thing that has remained constant throughout the years. I don't see myself in some of my previous thoughts anymore and it seems to me that they come from a different life, but I do recall, while reading them, what was I thinking and feeling at that specific time. I find that to be somewhat cathartic and I would have loved it to see more recent thoughts, as well.
Till next time, I guess.

P.S.: My last post here included an Evergrey song. What do you know? I am in a whirlwind of obsession with the band these days too. As I said, some things never change.  

This will be one of those defining moments in life when everything you used to know changes.
I got into the Master's degree I wanted (fees free), at the biggest Academy of Economic Studies in Romania - Strategic marketing - and I'm leaving for Bucharest in three days. Although I'm excited to see how things are going on there, I'm sure I will never return to what has been my home for 8 years and though I have never really loved it here, I can't help myself from feeling a touch of regret and sadness. I have many wonderful memories here, I have met many extraordinary people here and though I told everyone we'll keep in touch, I'm more realistic than actually believing that. The greatest sacrifice I have to make is leaving without my sister. Until six years ago, when she decided to come and live with me, I have never thought it was possible to care so much about one person. She is definitely my weakness and I'll give up anything for her happiness; thus knowing I'm the one leaving her alone here is killing me. I know that she will move to Bucharest too in January or February, but it's indeed one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I guess I'm just worried. But oh well, I chose to stay into the University's dorm (an experience I have got to say I have always wanted to try out, though I'm not quite cut out for this kind of living) until my sister decides to move to Bucharest. I'm really putting all of my hopes into this gigantic change. I think this next half year will be the time that will define me and my character for the rest of life. Let's just say I have a feeling. God knows if after this two years of studies I will reconsider things and decide to live there or I'll be moving to some other place. Knowing myself, I'll probably move again. But everything depends on what this two years have in store for me. I will make dramatic changes. So, this is farewell Galați, farewell past, farewell to everything I have done and known for the last decade of my life. It's time to write a new story.

Minute 1:21 - Linkin Park in Romania! <3<3<3

Perverse sentimente îmi macină prezentul... Even though my life has changed so much in the past year and it will change so much more in about a month, the content in this diary has remained the same... I had found you and though my soul has had the power to regenerate so many times, I believe it is necessary that some of its power should remain intact for the next person that shall ”fall” into my life. Seven years ago I moved into this city hoping things would change. And they have. But not entirely how I wanted to. Two years ago I chose the Erasmus scholarship in Italy (though the country would have been my last choice probably under other circumstances, in Europe) hoping the same thing I hoped in the past. Though in some ways my choice proved itself to have been one of the worst choices I've ever made, there were indeed some changes that helped my professional career and social interactions. Putting things in a balance now I don't know if the benefits exceeded the losses. Next month I start fresh again and I am worried I won't make the choice with the best benefits for me. But then again, there will definitely be some changes. Life will get harder, but I hope the sacrifices will be overcompensated with rewards. If things will again fail to satisfy me, in a year or two I shall leave again. The point is: no matter how many challenges life throws at me, I always start over again with the undying and maddening hope that there's a place where I will find what I'm looking for. At the time, there is not one place in the entire world where I can see myself staying in for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure that place even exists. But one thing is for sure: I will never stop looking for it as long as I live.

This heart was ceased to you and failed. A failed attempt to exorcise the demons from your past.

Regret

" - Will you love me? Even with my dark side?"
- What and who would we be without darkness? I believe I love above anything else precisely the darkness in you. And it seems no matter what, nothing will make me stop loving you. Don't run away. I do love you.

"As I drift away... far away from you,
I feel all alone in a crowded room,
Thinking to myself
regret
loneliness...>
Memories punish me once again
Sometimes I remember all the pain
that I have seen.
Sometimes I wonder what might
have been..."*

* Cause Anathema is one of the greatest bands ever.
** Cause when it comes to You, I'm weak.

Anathema - Fragile Dreams

"She loves blindly and recklessly, even if it consumes her."



If Eternity means a world of misery caused by material and sentimental insecurity, or better yet, pure and plain suffering, then I'm not sure I want it anymore. The idea itself kinda loses its appeal for me.
Somehow I have always oscillated between this choice: if the chance should present itself, would I choose Eternity or not?


"And so I have always oscillated between the brightness of reality and the darkness of the unknowable." (E. Chargaff)

Anathema Untouchable Part 1&2

It never matters though, does it?!...