”Sometimes questions are more powerful than answers. How is this happening? Why them and not others? Why now? What does it all mean?”

I was never allowed to be a part of your Destiny...

My dad told he just found out he only breaths now with 48% of his lungs, 15% less than last year, and that he needs urgent surgery, my sister is passing out unconscious in the house showing me how powerless we really are in emergency situations... all good news as we can see. And I have to stay strong for everyone here. At least, fortunately, I have a really strong system so nobody has to worry about me. But at times, you don't really know what is that you can do in situations like these. Trying to stay focus at things that need to be done, coping with all these and with certain people's selfishness and carelessness is... not an easy job. And I try to move forward and keep my character strong hoping that the glass will not be full too soon. Sometimes life is just too hard on some people... It seems that the challenges never end for me.

”Where does it come from? This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here.”

Take care, and hopefully I'll receive some good news for once too...
P.S. I couldn't thank more to my Andreea for being there for me so much in times like these when others weren't. It's nice to know you have someone to count on for once. Thank you so much... Love you.

"The Life of all Flesh Is The Blood" - Leviticus 17:14

In the last period and in the following I have and will have to learn how to let go on certain people... unfortunately, it's an exam I'm not that sure I will pass easily...
What hurts is that I didn't want to leave that impression or to find out on my own flesh how little it mattered...
These days I feel inert, senseless... I walk but I don't realize I'm walking, I'm thirsty but I don't want to drink, I'm hungry but I don't want to eat, I need to go to university but once there I want to leave. It's degenerating from an usual depressed state to indifference... but it's not an usual indifference, but all I do I do as if I'm dead, and just the impulsion and the automatism is left. It feels like I'm seeing my body from above, like an astral projection, doing all those things, but I'm not there. Not really. I feel like I hate everyone and everything, but yet I don't feel anything...
Certain things never mattered and never will...
Changing the subject: I'm doing Spanish at the University, because I wanted to. It's gonna be my fifth language:D. I'm gonna lose myself in all this languages, my God:| But it's a wonderful language, and although I understand almost perfectly I'm now working on my speaking skills. I went to an English Course too, not because I needed but it was a native English teacher teaching it. OMG, he spoke so wonderfully and until the other students came we spoke in English. Wonderful! I even like Italian when this teacher spoke it. It was so sweet, with his accent! I was melting there. But the truth is, that the level on which the rest of the students were doesn't help me, because I did the test in 10 minutes (and just because it was pretty long to read:|) while the rest of them made it in two hours and didn't even finished it so the teacher stopped them. Besides even the teacher told me I have nothing to do in such a low leveled English course. But, man, he spoke so wonderfully. I was charmed.
A lot of the teachers proposed me or asked me to come do my Master in Italy and I told them that no way in hell, which came quite as a surprise to them.

”I pour my soul to those eyes full of fire… Am I to bleed myself dry just to see your delight?”
Till next time, my damneds...

Oh! Sweet Purgatory! You enchant me with the love sweetest and torment me with your careless nature! Oh, Angel! Oh, Demon! This incertitude is infernal! Burn me with the flames of your caress, drown me in the empty, dry air, stab me with your words, torture me, torture me! Release me from the chains of uncertainty, release me from the bonds of solitude...! Though I am lost on solitary ground, release me!...Find me, trust me, forgive me for losing my way... J'aime un rêve*... J'aime...

So, the second semester begun today, and I'm totally not in the mood for anything at all...
Just when you think that tears have run dry here they come again. I'm so sick of this weather, it's depressing.
I would have never believed some years ago that I will become such a poetry lover even if I used to write some myself. I kinda stopped doing that... just once in a while in remembrance. But nowadays I'm loving poetry especially symbolist and surrealist poetry... oh, the french ones are amazing. I'm so loving Rimbaud and his ”Saison en Enfer” these days. Yeah, the thing written on the beginning it's just my depressed imagination from these days speaking...
*I'm in love with a dream...
Sweet dreams mes damnés...