You know... every time I used to see you, I imagined myself slowly getting near you, so near I could hear your breath and heartbeats; I could see myself put my hand on your warm chest and lean my head near your heart, trying with my all strength to somehow transfer all those powerful emotions that were flowing into me, to you; trying to let you understand at least half of my feelings and that my life had never made so much sense than during those times. That momentary event was all I needed, and at some point in the past it may have had a drop of reality. I can't figure out what was it that made it so real, that even now thinking about it, I feel an overwhelming emotion, a wrench and a tear trying to escape the prison of suffering that has been holding it captured for such a long time. I don't know what physical mechanism, illusion, was doing all that, but nowadays... if I try to feel that again, I can't see myself standing closer and closer to you like I used to... all I feel is that same old tear that is by itself a drop of pain, a tear I refuse to shed, knowing that that moment never happened and never will.
Maybe it was the suffering, rather than some ephemeral happiness, that I wanted to share and take it all upon me. The truth is that I saw my own Lucifer, rising again from its disgrace, my alter, my yang, my déjà vu lover, my dream, my everything. All that I have ever wanted, but never knew I did, was you.

Should I listen to that momentary weakness or should I just ignore it?



I challenge the truth...
I'm fighting illusions.

Opeth - Burden lyrics

If only words could be enough... Maybe under other circumstances they could be, but when it comes to you I lose them all...


"There's an ocean of sorrow in you... Sorrow in me..."

I've waited for my feelings to fade for so long but they hanged on to me more tightly than my own heart. Some may do me wrong but what I feel seems so right and I trust it entirely, even though that has only done me harm so far... I'm still waiting for the time to do its "magic" and make me forget, but it seems it has only forgotten me completely. What else am I suppose to do? If the answer is "Nothing", then that doesn't work either! I've tried everything, but my soul still aches at the thought of you. It has suppressed the longing for you so many times that I barely allow it to remember you. My thoughts, my subconscious and conscious aside, hell, even my soul, still hopes. So what am I supposed to do?
I can't keep searching for futile reasons.
"If I beg and pray you to set me free, then bind me more tightly still."