Ok,so just 3 more exams,not that I really care at this point.I'm beginning the lacto-vegetarian life style on 1st of February.Hopefully it will be a long term program.I've been thinking about it for quite some years and it's one of my biggest wishes this year;I don't think I realize the many things I have to give up to but I'll stick to it the best I can,no matter what the others still eat.The only thing that will probably be hard to do is not kill the filthy bugs anymore.
Maybe it's finally the time to make those changes I crave to do,but ignored so far.I deserve it!
It's quite funny how when you finally get used to solitude,with the tomb silence,something interferes to change all that.Oh,well...
"...you will go through rapid cycles of cruelty and kindness,insight and maniacal blindness.You'll probably go mad.Then you'll be sane again.Then you may forget who you are."

PS:I think the new HIM album is the most commercial so far,aspect that I don't really like,but at the same time one of the hardest to understand,lyrically speaking.Ville sure is the king of hidden meanings.I hope one day I'll be half as wise as he is,as read as him;it's "razorblade" sorrowful to understand it at that high level and be unable to do anything to prevent it...But to what the fuck page 43 refers to??!!New testament??!!There are so many references to Latin or Greek or whatever books,and legends,stories,the deep significance they hold within,that it takes forever to decode all that he means to say.I love that!!!* *!My model and point of reference FOREVERMORE!I'm still shocked how those people didn't hear about them;I mean how the fuck?!
"I'm your Christ to die on you/This world's not for us and you know it as well as I do.":D

Alone...literally...mmm...like I already said there's been a complete state of mind that is changing second after second,but kinda remaining the same...It's hard to explain,but still not feeling like writing because I made a promise to myself some time ago,and I don't want to keep and keep brake it.It just wasn't ok.And besides that,there's nothing I would like to tell,I just keep it to myself this time.It's better like this,if I try to just ignore it.Plus the crowded period of time of now it should keep me busy from all the thinking...it should...so far it's not really working,but,well I hope it will...I keep saying it's better this,better that.I don't really like this,got to get rid of it.To hell with this,I don't believe myself either,when I say it.It is not for the better,just convincing myself,at the surface."convincing"...this doesn't seem the right word either;it's not convincing at all...well,I better stop here,before I brake my promise.
Farewell,my damneds.Continue believing it's not the end,the condemnation is not eternal...
Dare I open my eyes and see
How much more can they possibly harm me
The frustration
The hurt
The fear
Of a week wounded soul
A deeply wounded soul...
I hope I beg
Can't someone come and take my soul
And take my soul...
My promises nothing worth
I see it all so clear
But my words mean nothing
All for just another chance to speak with you
Show you
But my words...
But my words mean...
Nothing

Mmm,tired but extremely...detached...of everything.Although I have passed some rapid changes of mood,from aggressive and furious to very calm and careless.Now it's the last one that took over me.I don't really feel even like writing,and I won't probably feel like it in the next two weeks too.
Why,oh why do I had to have an exam exactly on 8th of February??...I was sure it will turn out like this looong before recently,but hoped to be wrong.Why,oh why always happens only the bad things I predict and not the good ones??That's a mystery.Misery mystery!
Mmm,let me continue my state,and till next time,adieu mes damnés,une soirée tranquille pour tous,les anges vous embrasse...
I don't care where,just far
Away
I don't care!
Away...

5 more exams.God help me to pass them all.Damn Logic!I keep messing things up,get back up,and all this shit.I have been very busy and still am this time of the year and I have no time to think about myself.Maybe that's better.Colleagues,you are "true":)).I have an extreme urge to read,read and read.I can't wait to find the time:D.
Now a little fragment from the testament of Longinus(the answer to who this is,is below).Just to have it memorized here,before it gets lost who knows where.

'One: That though you are Damned, your
Damnation has purpose. It is the will of God that
you are what you are, and the will of God is that
the Damned exist to show the evils of turning from
Him. The evil become Damned; God has taken
those worthy of His love to His own side.
Two: That what you once were is not what you
now are. As a mortal is a sheep, so are the Damned
wolves among them. That role is defined by nature
— wolves feed on their prey, but they are not cruel
to them. The role of predator is natural, even if
the predator himself is not.
Three: That an ordained hierarchy exists. As man
is above beasts, so are the Damned above men.
Our numbers are fewer so that our purpose is
better effected.
Four: That with the power of Damnation comes
limitation. The Damned hide among those who still
enjoy God’s love, making themselves known only to
exemplify fear. The Damned shall make none of their
own, for such is a judgment of soul that is the purview
only of God. The Damned shall suffer yet more should
they slay a fellow to take his soul from him.
Five: That our bodies are not our own. Our
purpose is to serve, and when we stray from that
purpose, we are to be chastened. The light of the
sun excoriates; the flames of a fire purify fleshly
evil. The taste of all sustenance other than Vitae
is as ash upon the tongue.'
For those who wonder who Longinus is,we find the answer,again,in his testament.

'Seeing that Christ was dead,the soldiers did not break his legs.One of the soldiers,however,pierced his side with a spear,and blood and water flooded out.A drop of Christ’s blood fell upon the soldier’s lips and he wiped it away with his hand.Yet the next day,he slept the sunrise,and roused from his slumber only at nightfall and after tasting Christ’s blood,he thirsted for more.I know.I know because I am that soldier.'

"What's wrong...?...Just a moment ago,you've said you wanted to be next to me...and yet,you're the one pulling away...?
That's because...a wish as cruel as mine couldn't possibly be forgiven or granted.
I can't do that.I can't possibly...let go of you...If the only option I had was to lose you,then I...I would prefer death instead...could you please kill me then,by your own hands?
You can't be speaking seriously...
You really...don't realize,do you?...You know...I receive with complete delight absolutely anything that is given to me by you.Even if it was a cruel demand,simply pain,or even the blade to take my life,I would welcome it,coming from you...you are the only one who brings color into the dull grey of ashes that my heart is...My hands are...far more tainted than you imagine...could you stand the idea of living every day being touched by someone as tainted as me...?
You...Even if you are tainted...I don't mind!...what horrible things did you have to endure all alone for so long,to feel this way...?...Please taint me too..."
"Everything...shatters to pieces and crumbles away...slipping between my fingertips...and when I noticed...I was completely alone..... ............"

Fallen...
Am I going to His's direction?Am I heading to stranded and unconditional madness?!
"You believed in nothing,now you are nothing!"
Sure of nothing,Unsure of everything.
"The questions are answered and we try not to weep."
yet,still I weep...
"...never leave her alone..."

First post in 2010.And back home.I got to pass into this year too.I wouldn't have thought it will happen a few years ago.It's going to be a hard,hard year.I wasn't ready to begin this new year,but it's not like it's going to wait for me.First week it's been more than painful,and my heart ached both literally and metaphorically speaking.I was not able to fix anything.I didn't begin the year in a cheerful note,but I'll feel better later,after I can rest.I hope I'll rest.But not now,there are 7 exams knocking on the door.I know how to get my strength,but I don't want it now.I'll have to figure out an alternative.I'm strong.I'll get to 2011 too,in a better or worse condition,I'll get there.
*New year's eve...the usual feeling.People may wonder why I hate this particular night.Because never in my life I was with who or where I wanted to be.Because there's all that unbearable noise,because everyone act so happy as if they really are.It's the most fake and monstrous night of all.And because it's just another night,and the next day it's just another ordinary day.Why should I celebrate this?...
*Officially I'm tired of my imagination.It's like it has it's own conscience and lives only to deceive me.Leave me the fuck alooone!Don't keep feeding me with images of what will never happen.It's only gonna drive me mad!God,I can't control it anymore.Leave me,you too,go to someone else,disappear,leave me alone!
*"Damnatus nunquam condemnatus in aeternum."This remains unchanged.God,oh God I hope this is true.It's my last chance,my last hope.I don't know what to do anymore.
*"You don't drink,don't smoke,don't have sex.What do you do?"(question made to me these holidays).First of all,no one should give a damn about my life;I decide what I want or don't want to do.Cigarettes are a complete waste of health,money,and time,it doesn't make me any good,and it smells like hell.Drinking...I think I had and still have enough "models" in my life to never make me wanna at least put my lips on such a poison.I promised to myself the moment I began rationalizing,that I would never drink in my life.I don't care what others decide.And the last point,well I can't really say since I'm a virgin,can I?But as I said in the past,I give a great importance to it,I respect myself and my body,I don't need it and could live very well without as I did so far,I'm not going to do it just to be like the others as this nowadays stupid teenage girls,I'm not an adept of the "sex before marriage" thing.When it will happen it will,and with the person I think deserves it,that I love and that knows of the love I'm capable to offer.The point is that I have different values after which I guide my life and I don't care if someone disapproves.
*Why it hurts everytime more?It's not logical,it doesn't make sense.After it has already happen once,twice,three times,it should hurt less,right?And instead it hurts infinitely more.I don't know why the heart never listens to the brain and gets affectionate like a fool,by herself.
*End:this year surprised me going more and more insane and with less and less trust.Oh,I'm so tired.Farewell,mes damnés.
PS:Today's flight was one of the most shaky but beautiful so far.If there is heaven I like to think it looks like that sea of clouds all puffy and with angels flying all around.Can nature be more beautiful than this?And ME...in that heaven,In a Heaven.I could have died happily then,and fast.All a human can do is dream,right?...Even to dream is hard now,when I'm still not sure of the effect of my believes being shaken that hard.I have a lot of things to think about.Two of my "art" of this weeks.I'm too tired to comment them now.The "Christ" is one of my darkest works,and the other one,I just liked the feeling it gives me.


One of the most incredible,and enormously overflowing with feeling,definition of Love I have ever read.I'll remember it forever,for sure.Love="Baudelaire,in Braille".