I'm not sure I made the right decision,but it was more the obvious choice,meaning it didn't depended on myself.Those were the choices I had,and I'm sure that this was the only choice worth taking in consideration,at this point.Although if I had the choice I wanted I would have chosen that.Now,I don't know if it will turn out fine for us,after all,but there is half of me that wants eagerly to see this accomplished,and the other half that wants me to fail now,and to allow and give me more time to decide better.It's a struggle now.Next week,hopefully I'll find out if I have to start worrying about what the heck I choose,and what that implies.Still,I can't say that I won't be disappointed if we're not chosen,the first half of me will suffer greatly,but the other one will thank God for answering its prays.In 2 months I will recover from whatever disappointment though and I will be ready for the second round,if it will still take place.The point is,I'm not giving up on the idea,although I'm scared as hell.And not afraid to admit it.I may have no idea in what I'm getting in.But I will soon enough,find out.The second time though I'm decided,if there is need for a second attempt,to follow only and only my brain,and be only rational.That taking in consideration that now I wasn't all rational.And of that I'm aware.I know myself quite enough,to know when I'm wrong and when I'm not thinking straight,even though I couldn't do anything to fix that now.
I have some of the most crowded periods of my life,and I couldn't have been more happy about that.Maybe some don't understand,thinking about all the stress and fatigue,but I'm sooo glad to see the days pass this fast.
A thousand projects,essays and exams and I'm glad about that.It was already official I'm insane.Now it's just a renewal of the state.
[Sweet Pandemonium]“bottomless perdition,to dwell in adamantine chains and penal fire”

RIP Peter Steele.(Type O Negative front man)
You know, there are some icons,up there,that you never expect to disappear,even if you're aware they are going to die someday.They like leave the impression they are eternal,and then you hear such excruciating news that reminds you that nobody lives forever,and death doesn't forgive anyone,no matter how many things you have done in life.And then you think about what you leave behind,a sign that you were alive,to be sure that your memory doesn't just fade away with time.After all,we are humans,not that I regret that.Not in the least.I am glad to be a human.I don't really believe in an afterlife,so that makes things shorter,or so I have the impression.I have way too many things to do,that the actual fear of death consist in the fear I won't manage to do everything because I can't possibly know when I'm going to die.It could be right now(this kind of thinking is maybe because I have seen death with my own eyes,enough times).And what will I leave behind?Beloved sister and daughter??!!Let's be serious.I was that from the moment I was born.Nothing has changed?!
Now,Peter surely wasn't much a believer,if not at all.I wonder where is his place now.Or he just vanished?Just like this?Lets bury the stinky body and move on;and everything means nothing!It's like I never existed.I do understand my "beloved ami" from that point of view.
Peter will surely be remembered for what he did with his band,and he practically wrote a part of the goth history.
But what will I do?Kids to carry out your memory and love you?In at least 100 years nobody will even remembered I lived.Then what's the point in being alive?To make the best you can of it.Or at least try.And regret nothing.Mmm,the news of Peter's death saddened me a little,so that's the reason of all this bullshit.Nevermind me.
From that point of view,we are damned.
Farewell damned,till next time and...take care of yourselves.

Hey,I just remembered.I had something to do,and this deviations from what I want to achieve do not serve my purpose.Oh,no,no,no...Thank God I woke up now and that I've recalled my desires,my desires since FOREVER,and that nothing will and should interfere to change that.And that be sure!What's with all this dreaming bullshit.That's not me,man.I'm the one that fights to get everything that wants,and nowadays nothing has changed and nothing will.What's with all the thinking about everything else,that has nothing to do with me,personally?or my future,that I plan to make it as perfect as I think "perfect" means?And I have way too many things to accomplish to allow anyone to interrupt my road.I TRULY AM MY OWN REDEEMER AND DON'T HAVE A DESIRE FOR ANOTHER ONE.I'M A FIGHTER AND A SURVIVOR!THE GOD OF MY OWN DESIRES!And I'm not gonna avoid to take the decisions that will only bring me the feeling of accomplishment even if its not near what others think means Accomplishment.
So,screw you and you and you,I'm one step closer to my fulfilled "dreams"!
Bye,bye mtf!
Song: Evergrey-"Monday morning Apocalypse"(bleah,just ignore the lyrics,I just love the background).This guys fuckin' rock!!!Yeah,man!
PS:I'm not drunk or somethin',by the way!Fuck,I don't even drink :)))