I figured out something yesterday. It made sense as a certain phrase we were talking about at a class a while ago came back to me. Don't ask me how exactly from 30 hours of debate this particular subject came back to me. Human brain is a mystery.
Anyhow, I figured out something about myself I always wondered about. It makes so much sense it's absurd. Yet is sick. It has much to do with Freud's totem hypothesis and the fact that we identify with our parental figures when we're just babies and that depending on this we later define our genre traits. Related to this I added here the absence of one of the parents or my case, both parents, most of the time. I'm not gonna expose the entire and direct theory here cause some things is better to keep it for yourself.
Nevertheless that is why I always tend to search for similarities and why I have the tendency to offer protection instead of requiring it, because I lacked it and in time I developed this instinct of self-conservancy.

How about a little survey?! I haven't did this kind of shitty things in a while. So here goes nothing. :))
1. Are you single?
Yeah.
2. Are you happy?
I guess. I don't wanna reopen my whole ”happiness” polemic I did some time ago. It's somewhere around here, in one of the posts. Although I must say it has a greater resonance this question said by Chester Bennington in ”The down syndrome” song from his past band Grey Daze.
3. Are you bored?
Now, not really, because I have to study at Statictics, so...
4. Are you naked?
On this freazin' cold?! Are you mad?!
5. Are you a blonde?
No.
6. Are you moody?
Have you ever been a woman?! Women are moody by nature :D.
7. Are you a lover/hater?
Right now I'm more of a lover than hater, but who knows what will happen tomorrow...

TEN FACTS

1. Name: Geanina.
2. Any birth marks: No, except I have a tons of moles, which I love.
3. Hair color: Brown.
4. Natural hair color: Brown.
5. Eye color: Blueish-green.
6. Mood: Sleepy and sick.
7. Favorite color: I don't know. It changes by seasons. I guess red at the time.
8. One place you want to visit: Omg, there are at least two: Finland (Maybe a Turku concert) and Japan (Tokyo).

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
That's a tough one. I do believe in a more like physical attraction, but not love. Love is built in time.
2. Do you believe in soul mates?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. :D
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally?
Yeah, who hasn't?! It's a kind of unwritten rule.
5. Have you ever broke someone’s heart?
I don't think so.
6. Ever had your heart broken?
This is the same question as before. But if you put it like that, my heart is pretty much a whole, not broken, so...
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Well, it can happen to anyone. Even with my so called ”courage” I get spooked sometimes.
8. Are you afraid of commitment?
Lets just say that I have had in my life only bad examples of couples, so I'm not exactly a ”love” friendly.
9. Who was the last person you hugged?
I think it was my sister. It's not that pathetic as it sounds. :D
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to?
To a friend back home.

TEN THIS OR THAT

1. Love or lust?
Love. Although I guess it's quite impossible to have one without the other. And I like more the word 'lust' than 'love'. 'Love' is overused.
3. Cats or dogs?
Dogs.
4. A few best friends or many regular friends?
A few best friends.
5. Television or internet?
Internet.
6.Chinese or Indian?
None :D. I'm a vegetarian since recently (1 year) so that kinda narrows down my options.
7. Wild night out or romantic night in?
Definitely romantic night in. I'm a romantic without cure.
8. Money or Happiness?
Happiness.
9. Night or day?
Night. Everything is more beautiful at night.
10. MSN or phone?
I guess none, really.

TEN HAVE YOU EVER

1. Been caught sneaking out?
Yeah, a few times.
2. Been skinny dipping?
No, I have a water apathy.
3. Bungee jumped?
No, but it's one of the things on my do-list.
4. Finished an entire jaw breaker?
No.
5. Lied to someone you liked?
Yeah, I guess I did. Bad girl. :D
6. Wanted an ex boyfriend/girlfriend back?
No.
8. Cried yourself to sleep?
Probably, only I was still awake when I stopped crying. How the hell can you even fall to sleep if you're still crying?!
9. Cried because you lost a pet?
Yeah. Everytime one of my dogs died.
10. Wanted to disappear?
More likely to be invisible. Or a fly.

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER

1. Smile or eyes?
Eyes.
2. Light or dark hair?
It doesn't matter even if in theory I like blonds or light browns like me (there's a whole story behind that) :D.
3. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs, I guess.
4. Shorter or taller?
At least my height.
5. Intelligence or attraction?
Intelligence.
6. Romantic or spontaneous?
Both.
7. Funny or serious?
Depends on the situation, but I can be quite a ”clown” sometimes, so I guess serious.
8. Older or younger?
At least same age.
9. Outgoing or quiet?
I think quiet.
10. Sweet or bad ass?
At the middle.

WOULD YOU RATHER

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?
Tongue.
2. Be serious or be funny?
Both.
3. Spend time with your parents or enemies?
None.

ARE YOU

1. Simple or complicated?
Omg, definitely complicated as the others think, when I can be quite simple, if I want to.
2. Retarded?
Some situations require that you act like a retarded.

DO YOU PREFER

1. Flowers or candy?
Flowers.
2. Gray or black?
Black.
3. Color or Black and white photos?
Either.
4. Sunrise or sunset?
Sunset.
5. Staying up late or waking up early?
Staying up late.

QUESTIONS

1. Which shoe goes on first?
Right. I think.
2. Ever thrown something at someone?
I want to. I want to so bad. I get this from my dad.
3. On average, how much money do you carry with you?
Not much.
4. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl. But I don't wanna hear about spaghetti for a looong time.
5. Have you ever eaten Spam?
No.
6. Favorite ice cream?
Ah... chocolate, tiramisu... and many more. I love icecream. :X
7. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
Just one.
8. What’s your favorite beverage?
I don't drink alcohol, so Coke.
9. Do you cook?
Yeah, actually a lot lately.

LASTS

1. Last Alcoholic Drink: None.
2. Last Car ride: I do not have a car and neither do I desire one.
3. Last Movie Seen: Despicable me.
4. Music: Last one on my mp3 player I think it was M.Manson and Korn - Cry for you or Him - Right here in my arms.

I always like discovering new things about myself. It's kinda one of my favorite things to do. I like when I try out a new emotion, or a new variation of emotions, a new intensity, because it always tells me something new about myself.
That reminds me. I came across a quote these days that really felt very accurate to me. It would take too long for me to look for it again now but the idea is that no person is able to or should judge as long as the ”judgy” never lived in the ”judge's” body and mind. Ok, maybe I lost you here. Hear me out. So, every person has different degrees and rules of morality, rules that are unbreakable to one and perfectly breakable to another, different thoughts (it does occur that two or more individuals have mainly the same thought, but each of them think it differently), every individual has different genetics et cetera... mainly every individual is different in every single way... with this in mind how can someone else judge what I think is wrong or right, or judge my decisions and my acts if that specific individual never lived in my mind and in my life (in my decisive and childhood environment, in the end my ”formation” environment). It's actually pretty easy to understand even if more than 90 per cent of the human population doesn't take that in consideration.
Regarding my affirmation that we are all animals and nothing more than that... I always considered this to be true, even if I sometimes try to deceive myself to think otherwise. We are all ruled in our actions and decisions by our primal instincts that all animals possess: survival, sexual desire, feeding... The fact that we possess language (even though I truly believe this was an impartial and unfair gift that was given away carelessly) is nothing more but a defining trait that separates us from others species, but not what proves that we have humanity. Even a monkey, a dog or you name it, possess more humanity than us. Even a lion takes care until death of its family and siblings and gives away proves of compassion when he leaves the antelope loose or kills her to spare her of its pain.
 No one can say that in order to survive didn't do many unjust things or that has never acted like an animal. That's just denial. Even if later it becomes tortured by the huge Conscience. No one can tell for sure that the lion doesn't feel sorry to have killed the antelope. This subject and everything related to it can keep forever for me, because there are so many aspects of the problems.
You know, this place is actually more complicated that may seem. From when I was little and kept diaries in little notebooks with locks, I created a code of my own that allowed me to read far much more between the lines. What may seem a simple sentence to others may have so many significations to me (may be equal to a whole book). I could have so many references to people that are not at all obvious but only I can know. I honestly don't know why would someone would want to read what I write, cause in the end, even if I may refer to certain happenings or people, Here is only about me and what may seem important enough to me to write. It's just easier nowadays to keep an online diary than one written in those little notebooks, although if you ask me I prefer the old way. Those notebooks had something special of their own.
Here I am, writing way too much, well you know I like talking to you here, right?! See ya soon. Good night damneds, never give up.
NB: The ”you” I always refer to, as it may seem a dialog, is always me, or better yet my mind and conscience. I know what I want to say. It's not a real person. As I said, it's only me, myself and I here.
 Update: Here's the quote I was talking about: ”If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.”(E.Hubbert) /This has as main cause the intense watching at all Criminal Minds seasons.What can I say?! I like a good case of murder. And Dr. Reid of course :D.

Almost a month since I have arrived in Rome.What's new? NOTHING.This sons of bitches are postponing the beginning of the new University year for what seems forever.It does feel hard to be far from my friends and my life back home,but this departure was essential for what I have to do later on.Many aspects of the life here annoys me and it is a strange thing how the human brain functions...I mean when I was home I had some thoughts that it seems that haven't changed and probably never will,even though its a totally new situation...and maybe not only my thoughts.Well,it's not like I haven't considered this situation too before I made this step...actually this seemed like the most likely situation that could have happened.
Besides this,a year with mom seems extremely long...extremely...long.I still can't believe and still get surprised of what I see and hear from her.I really can't understand her decision of having me and „keeping” me,20 years ago,if she really never needed me in her life.But then again that wasn't her decision(heh,I never thought I will end up being in the position where I have to thank my grandma I have a life).I know what she did for me,but you'll have to be blind and deaf in order to not see the obvious.And she still wonders why I act like that...Yeah,you have to be a genius to figure that out.This sounds like ”teenage” problems(but I feel like I'm not the teenager here).I thought I got past that.And I had but I haven't been living with her for like the last 10 years,and even when I lived with her,it felt like I wasn't,so...
I wonder if it's possible that I'm afraid?!...It seems like I have a list of ”yes's” and ”no's”.I never took that in consideration.You and me are more alike than you imagine. More than I imagined.
An idea that makes more and more sense occurred to me...I know I just got here,and I think maybe too much afar,but...what if I will do my Master directly in USA?!I mean,why wait another 2 years and do it in Bucharest,when I can do it directly there?!Besides this will solve the visa problem,and a part of the money problem.For that I have to continue studying like so far and get very good grades,and then somehow start applying for scholarships in USA.Omg,this sounds so good that I can't believe it.But it's a realizable option.Besides,this year here it's going to pass one way or another,and then the last year goes by fast and then I can leave.It's a lot of work but it's do-able.The problem is how I do here with my grades,because back home I will do good for sure.I have to stay focused on this purpose.2 years...and I might see my dream become a reality...if I get there and do this,I will be the most happy and content person on Earth.Just imagine...ok,there are some conveniences that may come in the way in this two years,and I don't know yet what to do in that matter,but my purpose is this and even if some changes will be made to the original plan,I'm not gonna stop.Here is not my place and it's not where I want to be.
It's always going to be hard but I have to dare,and do whatever I want to do.I only have one life. In this journey,maybe later two people have place.Two people to whom I made a promise,and if they will still want to do this step forward in the next years,I will be there for them.
God,keep me safe and I will try do the rest. I'm never satisfied with what I have.How could I be?!It's only natural to want more.And follow your dreams.So far,even if I have made some changes to my plans,it all went the way it should have went,and I am proud to say that the decisions I made were all mine.
Darling,you can see I missed you.Lets stop this here for now.
Damned,still damned,my time will come when I will be free of all this and so will yours.
Good night,faith may be with you...