A feeling of melancholy,not sadness,has dominated me these days...one simple question has made me think of everything,for the last three days:"Are you happy?".The answer should be simple:"yes" or "no"...but I don't know what to say.When I think of this,I think of the past,present and what the future seems to have in store for me...Another million questions come into my mind,when I want to answer this question,or when I think I finally got the answer...like:Can we be happy in the middle of this beautiful lie?;Can we feel good in the middle of this falsity,of this nonsense?;Do we know what happiness really is?What should we really have to be "happy"?or Can we find a middle way between happiness and unhappiness?And how would this middle way be called?Maybe indifference or carelessness?...Right now I can't say I'm really happy because:the future is very unsure,I have to think really well at what I want,I will soon be apart of lots of the people around me(and I don't know if this makes me happy or not),I don't know if my sister is going to be for enough more time with me,if do I have to leave all this behind(and this is not easy at all)...But at the same time I feel "thankful" for what I got for now(a lot is still missing)...
Afraid of letting go,of forgetting...yeah,I am afraid,and that doesn't make me less stronger,at least I have the courage to say it,even though my courage has lost from his intensity,regarding only some matters...and still...Are you happy?

"Tell me, if I caught you one day
and kissed the sole of your foot,
wouldn't you limp a little then,
afraid to crush my kiss?..."

feeling numb,lifeless,cold...lost in nothing,empty...

Lately I got more and more distant with everyone.I'm trying to let go of people little by little.If we become more distant,we don't talk that much,the moment of separation maybe will be less painful,at least for them.Guess this "letting go" isn't that hard for me,at least not for now.Right now I don't trust nobody hard enough to even say little things that are in my head.Little by little everything is turning back to me,like I'm collecting every piece of me given away,and I'm becoming just one person.After all,myself is all I have,on long term..everything and everyone changes at some point...better now...I know the others must feel the slow distance that comes between us,but it's for the best..it will be easier later..It's not the first time when I'm getting thru this,and I've learned my lesson in the past,when I was so weak when it came to separations.I don't wanna feel lost and cry again,so all this is for the best...gotta be for the best...sorry guys...time will learn you to forget...to forget me...

I miss snow...it’s purity,it’s brightness that seems it’s a look at how the heaven looks like,a little gift from God,a piece of Universe...the way the snowflakes fall softly,peacefully from above to comfort us,to wash away our sins,pain,sadness..like stars that fall to make us dare to dream,silently,innocently...the never-ending why goes away from our mind for a moment..maybe every snowflake represents one human,in his heruvimic form,every soul free of sins and anger,just love,peace...we forget about everything,we connect with the inside...we don't think for one second,we just learn...and yet they disappear so quickly,just like the dream,the certainty,like feelings...like us



I feel more calmed and relaxed now,than I felt yesterday;the silence of the night managed to make me more patient,although I still have that anxiety mood,and I get very easily irritated with almost nothing.Tonight is the Earth's hour.Turn off the lights!

"Will I be the girl who has to feel the silence...
The quiet scares me sometimes because it screams the truth"

There are times when silence can say so much more than words,and silence is often our best friend..we feel the urge to meet with the silence so often sometimes...I know I feel it,I need it...I can always think straight and I know I can feel peace and only truth around me;I feel it always there for me,to comfort me,and no one is making it to stay with me...No one is there to make me nervous or full of anger,I can have my rest,my time,I can spend a little time with myself..and,oh,how I need that time,sometimes...

I had the best mood ever today.I didn't gave a damn on nothing.I just did and said what I wanted.I've been so mean with everyone.What a good feeling...oh,my god...again,like a resurrection of the old me...I'm back!!!"Beware of the dog"..hahaha
I won't let nobody to ruin my day and mood again.They can all go to...well they know it already,I told them where to go right in their face today!!!I adore myself right now!!Soon,my life will take a different way.I'll finish high school and I'll go to college,meet new people.Well,no more attachment to nobody.I'm perfectly good on my own,no need for someone to ruin my life.So long!!!
Oh,there are 3 more weeks and my mom is coming home for Easter!I can't wait!But,fuck,I have to go to my grandparents and stay to the country side for almost 2 weeks,on this rainy weather.I have to divide myself between my mom and my dad.I can smell the trouble already...hihi..my mother will probably argue with me,after she just arrived,since I can't obey to no one..oh,shit...and plus,no tv or computer for all this time..Oh,well,let's look at the bright side.I'll be with almost my whole family,and maybe we'll go together to a barbecue in the forest.Nice!
But again,until then I have to stay focused at school,if I can..so boring lately..but the exams are getting closer and closer..ufff

How nice it feels to find yourself again for a few minutes,to offer to yourself a moment of peace..I laughed,I cried,I felt like everything is how is suppose to be,I felt scared,all in just some pages..I know he's not that appreciated because he's the bad guy...but I don't see him like a bad guy,on contrary I think he's maybe the most honest of all,he's the one with the deepest feelings,and he's sure the only one that knows exactly what he wants...I can't describe in simple words,words with no meaning,what I am feeling when I read what he's thinking..he resembles so much with me,that sometimes this managed to scare me a little;everything I'm not able to say,to express,he manages to do all this for me..I get absorbed completely with his every sentence,his every word...every question he asks to himself,also makes me wonder more and more about all this,maybe for some,simple things...I just can't manage to explain the kind of connection between us...Sometimes,maybe humanity,makes me stop at some point.But I will try to get past this line,and I'll become more and more like him.I can feel his influence on me,I felt it from the start,and I like it...for sure...

Lestat:No one could resist me, not even you, Louis.
Louis: I tried.
Lestat: [smiling] And the more you tried, the more I wanted you.


"You are the damnedest creature! You make me think of the old story about Alexander the Great. He wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. Will you weep when there are no more rules to break?" --Marius to Lestat
"Ah, but there are always rules to brake." --Lestat
"You are an imp, Lestat, you know it? A brat." --Marius

"You're a perfect devil, Lestat!" "That's what you are! You are the devil himself!" --Louis to Lestat
"Yes, I know," "And I love to hear you say it, Louis. I need to hear you say it. I don't think anyone will ever say it quite like you do. Come on, say it again. I'm a perfect devil. Tell me how bad I am. It makes me feel so good!" --Lestat to Louis


I will start reading for the fourth time "The Vampire Lestat"..I miss him,I miss him to amuse me,and to make my dreams reality again...I wanna lose myself in that book again,and to go into that world for a little while,forget about anything that happens in the real life...maybe while I'm reading I will listen to Ville,I think it fits perfectly with the character...maybe because I always see Lestat in real life through Ville..his freedom,his behavior,and his careless attitude makes me associate the two of them..so,tomorrow I will find myself again,in silence...can't wait to meet again,mon cher!

I walked today through the rain,listening to my favorite music..I felt,after a good while,so relaxed and able to think straight..I stayed for almost an hour staring at the clouded sky,it felt incredible,and the silence..I miss it already...

I won't tolerate any kind of lies now,I have the mood to send to hell everyone that thinks it has the right to lie to me,or only remember me when I'm needed.I've tried to pass over it until now,but I got to the point when I'm sick of this;people just abuse of my kindness..oh well,we'll see about that..they won't see lot of kindness from me anymore,not at all..After all,being all sugar and kind it's really not my type,it makes me feel stupid and not myself;I will be very honest and say the whole truth;I don't care if it's gonna hurt,I don't give a damn..I just don't care about nobody now.As they remember I exist only when they need something,I will not remember them at all..they can go to hell ...and I hope they won't forget to mention that I sended them to Satan... maybe I will win some life points for when I'm gonna end up in the Purgatory or Hell;maybe I will be friends with the devils and become a demon with two really cute and red horns..mwhaha...
God I just adore being all devilish...

"Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it! "
Yeah,well wouldn't all of us start to wish to whatever if that will be true..it will be nice,in a way...On the other hand if we could have everything we wished for,there will be no more tournament,we will no longer have something to fight for...but,as we all are selfish,it will be nice to come true at least one wish a year..

I did a personality test a few days ago,and the first question was "What makes you the happiest?",and you had to answer immediately,the first thing that crossed your mind.Different things came into my mind like:freedom,family,justice,love,health,things that I thought everyone would thing about...After that,the next day my sister made the test,and I saw the question again,and I thought she will answer mostly like me,but she right away said "money,of course".I asked her if she's kidding or if that is the first thing she thought about,and she said yes.I remained surprised,but when I told that little story to some other friends,before I could have finished the story,and I started with the question,they interrupted me and said "money"...I was thinking that maybe they said that in joke,but after I got the same opinion from different persons,I think they really believe that..sad.My sister was right next to me when she did that test,and yet I wasn't not even a part of her answer...omg,what an materialistic world..we've become such gold diggers.

Tomorrow is my friend's birthday.we're going to do a little crazy thing:skip the test paper on history and go drink some coke or something,and maybe not returning to school at all.Since this is maybe her last birthday that she will be spend it with me,we have to enjoy it.I will try to make it as unforgettable as I can...
Patience,patience and again patience...I definitely have problems with patience,but come on, how more patience a man can have?get real...soon I will lose my interest...although I can predict that when I will think I'm a little over it,then again I will be messed up...just amazing and awkward how destiny plays with us,I will like for once to win the game,to be the winner...lately I just loved to be evil with everyone,even with the innocents,it makes me feel so damn good...hmm...just like a resurrection..seems that the old me comes to surface again..I've been waiting and struggling for this...

I hate when I'm right..Why only the bad things that I predict happen,and not the good ones?Shit..I think I'm going to stay up all night again,and tomorrow I have to face school..I definitely have to take some measures and to try to get some sleep,or else it's not good at all..and when I think that I have to give my exams this year..I'm in deep shit

Yeah,feeling very tired lately...same life,same shit,just different day,different hour,different minute...that is about it,for now

I am invaded by thoughts and dreams...Time proved me again that I was wrong..it seems that today's morning is so far away in the past..i wonder why the moments of happiness always last so little time..this is a prove of my changing personality..almost immediately after I found out something that made my heart tremble,something clicked in my brain..reality...i can't afford to dream again,or else reality will very soon wake me and I will end up hurt again...i wish that my brain will take full control,maybe that way I will be cold as ice to this kind of events...now,like always,I'm waiting...something will slap me again,but I'm still waiting,still hoping...even though I am very conscious that nothing will turn up the way I dream to...

I have to stop dreaming and come back to Earth...

I feel so happy that I wanna scream...yay!!!!!!!

Things are getting tougher and tougher...Who should understand?Everything seems bigger and smaller at the same time now...You discover when you least expect to,or from whom you least expected,what people really think about u...In moments like this truth often is revealed..Every hour,every minute,every second seem to fade away..Even if in general time seems to be running from us,in moments like this you have the impression it stops...I don't know how much patience I will have the next time,or if I will able to control myself...I kinda remained surprised of how I reacted even then,and maybe I'm proud of myself...Although maybe it had been better to express my feelings...then it will have been bad for her,she would have had the bad luck to see another face of myself,one that I've rarely shown...I think that I would have definitely hited her..Maybe this is a prove that I've learned how to control my behavior better,and I got more mature...When I close my eyes I picture myself pulling her hair out and then I smile...hmm

Back...

I have such an odd mood.I literally want to hit someone.I just can't stay in one place.I feel the need to go in a forest or somewhere isolated to scream with all my power.I want to not hear anything but someone singing loud in my head.I have the mood to isolate myself,but at the same time to be surrounded by people,to see movement around me...I have the feeling that something bad is coming and that I don't want to be here when it's due to come.Who the fuck gets me?!

Finished updating...

Again and again and again...What a bad day,and yet you managed to make me laugh and made my heart tremble....The end is coming,or not?!I don't want it to come,but i don't wanna be disappointed again,and again...

Again I saw stupid kids making photos of themselves and singing stupid things,or just acting stupid as if that has any importance...

One of my classmates saw me while i was drawing on my notebook the phrase that for almost 2 months has abandoned my thoughts "I wanna disappear",and ironically asked me "Oh,you wanna disappear?!",and laughed,and i was like "yeah..."(when I say disappear I don't mean killing myself or something,not at all,just that I would like not to see or feel anything for a while),like they will ever understand.They are to busy with their own person to care for any other person's feelings...What can you ask from them?!They are still so childish.I wonder when I got out of this condition,that seems to describe today's adolescents?!

Posted at 10:46 AM on March 05, 2009

I've been very happy this week...one of my friends said why am i thankful just for that,why i don't want more,but it's always better than nothing..I'm good just with this...But as we know nothing good and beautiful lasts forever..Now i wonder when it's going to end,and how it's going to end..i am very aware of this end,but i don't want it to come,not yet...just not yet,i'm not ready...

Posted at 01:42 PM on February 22, 2009

I don't mean to run...

But everytime you come around I feel more love then ever.

I know I never wanted anything so bad...

I've never wanted anyone so bad...

Posted at 01:20 PM on February 22, 2009

I feel better if i know you're happy..i just wish i could see you in these happy days,to be next to you,and see you smile,but,well,if i know you're well,i'm kinda better...after all loving someone means you sometimes have to let go,and be happy for the significant other...i know it's hard,but i have to let go...

Posted at 02:45 PM on February 18, 2009

fallen madly,deeply...

oh....

as soon as i begin to dream,something must bring me back to earth so quickly....

ur hand on my shoulder,it's just like sudden warmth put on my naked heart.at least this is how i think it must be...it can't be different...

crying,crying,crying..........i didn't wanna fall in love....not alone

Posted at 01:09 PM on February 15, 2009

yeah,in some kind of miracle something happened in the day i most hated...it suddenly became one of the happiest days of my life...i got to see my one favorite bands,after i've been a fan like for 10 years...i was in the ninth heaven...they were so sweet and they sure rocked the house.i have like head ackes right know for how much i was rocking....best ever...thank god...i'm totally not in the mood to go to school tomorrow...gosh...i'm so fucking happy...

Posted at 02:52 PM on February 13, 2009

yeah,once again has come the time that i most hate...valentine's day.

it's funny though....u just can't manage to get away from this day:not hearing about it,not seeing men with flowers,and all this bullshit.

since forever i've been just like the whole years,alone...but in this time i feel worst because everyone is like "so what are u doing on valentine's day",and i'm like,really sick of this question "oh,nothing...like always"

if i stay to think about it,for me it's not something out of the ordinary...

i only want to stay in the house,without seeing or hearing nothing.:/

well,this too shall pass.....better or worst...but it will pass...like the moments when i wish the time will stop,and like the time i wish i could wake up after some moments....

oh,yeah,and what's worst is that i have to pass through this moments twice...on the universal valentine's day,and on "dragobete",our country's saint valentine...:|

Posted at 03:02 PM on February 05, 2009

"I will cover and hide the part of my heart that wants to cry and scream"

(yuuki-vampire knight 47)

Posted at 01:07 PM on January 27, 2009

Fight till you die!

Posted at 12:10 PM on January 20, 2009

this three last days i've been,not happy,but i felt better..i tried not to care and think about nothing...why should i care about someone who doesn't care less about me?i should just live my life the best i can...well maybe it would be better without school,but i only have another 4 years...gosh!:D...i'm done with offering my feelings on the table,no more trust and no more caring about this immature and liar people!

so what if i'm insane,at least i'm being honest and myself!!!to hell with who doesn't like me!

Posted at 11:29 AM on January 18, 2009

i can't stop writing.it's all i can do,since i don't trust someone hard enough to share all my thoughts.i wanna shout,i wanna kick somebody,i wanna feel free,i wanna feel butterflies,i wanna hate,i want so many things..my mind is so full of insane thoughts,i can't even express myself...i feel like i will explode if i don't write or do something to get away from some of my thoughts....

the last days i tried to please everyone and i feel like i've given up on me...i heard a song accidentaly and it said "only the strongest will survive"(breaking benjamin-blow me away) and i suddenly remembered that i used to be so strong,why should everything be different now?! i should get up there and force myself to be the old me again,the strong one...but i first have to get away from my thoughts and that's hard cause my first thought every day,every hour,every moment,every second is that "i wanna disappear",like someone is constantly wispering that in my head....god i'm completely losing my minds...

i sometimes look,just look at other people and they seem so peaceful,all they think about is fun,boys/girls and this ordinary stuffs and i wonder "do they ever have this kind of thoughts,like me?!"

I can't escape this hell,
So many times I've tried,
I can't control myself.

Posted at 11:22 AM on January 18, 2009

If i make myself suffer maybe i will forget...

why some people love to lie about their life?i wonder if they even lie to themselves and if that makes them feel better....

Posted at 10:15 AM on January 17, 2009

I've become addicted.....

Addicted with ghosts&lies

Posted at 11:29 AM on January 15, 2009

THAT'S IT!!!I HAD ENOUGH!I'M FINISHED WITH ALL THIS SHIT!!!!!NO MORE!!!!

From now one i will try and please people so that they can feel good.it's not like something will happen to make me feel good.

enough with alllll!!!!!!!!!

Posted at 01:57 PM on January 14, 2009

God how stupid i am,i can't even believe how i'm imaginating things and hope for something that isn't there.if i like that much to live in my world full with bullshits at least i should make it perfect.do i like that much crying??????when will i stop believing all this crap????God,i can't believe it...i can't believe...i can't believe it...I don't wanna believe it ....GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD.......Why do i deserve all this???why i always end up believing,when i already know from beginning what is gonna happen.....

...i'm tired of all this shit,I'M TIRED OF CRYING...........god,god why?why?why?WHYYYYY??????

Posted at 10:50 AM on January 13, 2009

Here are the 3 quotes i most love that describe love :

• Make me immortal with a kiss.
• If you love me only in my dreams, let me be asleep forever.
• My night has become a sunny dawn because of you.

in one of the movies i saw a few days ago,one gave up his immortality just to become human and to have the opportunity to spend his life with his one true love..and just after one day she died,but the love between them was so deep.he said that he will rather spend that one day with her,that an eternity without.i wonder if this really exists this days?

most of today teenagers seem to think that love=sex,fun and sometimes disappointment.i think that love means=best friend,honesty,complete confidence,and especially warmth.that is what i think that love should mean for us,even though i never felt it.i honestly i don't think i will ever feel it.that is why maybe i'm always the one left all alone?maybe i should start and see this like everyone else?

it is said that love makes us humans.am i not human?then,what am i?!

Posted at 08:21 AM on January 09, 2009

i'm thinking that sometimes we don't even get to say goodbye..life is so cruel,in just a few seconds everything can be gone...in just one second we can turn to dust...this is my worst fear,that i will be gone before everyone could finally know me,and even,i dare to say,care about me...

..........

i sometimes like to feel my blood flowing in my veins...that way i'm sure that i'm Alive

Posted at 02:10 PM on January 08, 2009

Today i woke up with hope,i don't really know why.well,over the day i had various feelings.i even found out that i have some little heart problems,literally,but that didn't managed to make me sad.

even now i feel how my heart ackes,but i don't want to tell my family.i don't want them to get worried.somehow,i'm afraid that they will ignore me like always,cuz i told my mother last summer that sometimes it hurts,and she didn't even asked me something or looked at me...

my sister told me last night like a joke that i only have 3 months of life,but i somehow stood a while,thinking about that...it didn't really seemed to be a joke to me..i mean "what if?"

Posted at 08:44 AM on January 04, 2009

i m so tired of everything...

i can t believe that lately i ve become weaker and weaker,i let myself affected by everything.i don t know why a friend of my mother asked me if my friends miss me,and are waiting for me to go home...and i was like "not really".i was thinking,like,"yeah,right.who the fuck should be waiting for me.i have no friends,and the ones who used to call themselves my friends,or are still calling themselfs my friends,could easily live without me,and forget about me,and i m sure that right now there are lots who don t want to see me at all,and they are like,hate me!so,there is no problem if i go into nothing.

Posted at 07:42 AM on January 04, 2009

I wanna cry...

I wanna DISAPPEAR...

i wanna disappear

i wanna disappear

i wanna disappear

i wanna disappear

i wanna disappear........disappear

This is all i ve been thinking lately...on the last day of 2008 i ve been crying all day,because i thought of what i have and i discovered that Nothing..not even....

Well,like i didn't know that already...

Posted at 07:56 AM on December 30, 2008

Do devils love each other?!Do they walk together,hold hands and say "I love you"?

Posted at 07:51 AM on December 30, 2008

Protege moi,

De tout ce que je fais

Et de tout ce que je sais.

Protege-moi

De la doleur,

Mais pas de l amour.

Protege-moi

Pour pouvoir continuer

Et pour ne pas mourir

A cause de la tristesse,

Et je te promets

Que je te donnerai

En echange

Tout mon amour;

Mais je te prie

Protege-moi....

This is a poem i wrote like 2 years ago,i think it kinda remained the same feeling...

Posted at 12:48 PM on December 29, 2008

just few minutes ago my heart was beating so fast,i thought it was going to break out...but again all has lasted so little time...once again i was full with illusions,and let down...why do you have to run from me...i only want simple things,a friend,someone i could talk to,but who is able to give me a warm hug sometimes...

I am scared and lonely...

Posted at 11:52 AM on December 26, 2008

i completely let myself down again..for another 3 months i managed to live with the burning hope of better...i thought that there is finally someone for me,but now i found myself again alone,and what is worst without hope.if the hope it s lost,what else do i have?NOTHING,i will say.

why does it had to be right now?!

Posted at 11:30 AM on December 14, 2008

An angel watching over me..
A world of dreams...
Unfulfilled dreams...
This is where I am...
I've easily created my own world,and now it seems that i cannot escape it..
Maybe all that has happened is all in my mind;maybe all i think,it's just my imagination...otherwise i don't explain to myself...
I like this world but the real one does not seem to let me live in my world...
Maybe it would be better to isolate myself..I would be happier
Please little angel take me with you.....Don't cry,it will soon be over....

Posted at 12:19 PM on December 05, 2008

GO to bed sweetheart
I will be dying
And wondering who will take care of you...

I felt very tired lately,with school and everything..
Gosh I can't believe how low is my wish of doing something lately,it's like someone pull out all the life in me..Oh,officially now everyone thinks I'm a completely freak,cause some of my teachers have seen some of my drawings..they were like"oh,u're talented but..."
somehow i felt damn good,i like being a freak,stepping out from all this similarly crowd..i like being DIFFERENT..so everyone let's be ourselves,not just being the way everyone expect us to...it's good being different...

Posted at 11:17 AM on December 03, 2008

I walk alone
On the boulevard of broken dreams ...
Scared and lonely...

Posted at 02:23 PM on November 24, 2008

Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
(I hate and I love. Why do I do it, perchance you might ask?
I don't know, but I feel it happening to me and I'm burning up.)

I love this part:odi et amo.are we able to feel this opposite feelings at the same time?
i love that only an angel could be as unusual as you,i hate that you can't see that someone does love you...i love the sad look in your eyes,i hate that you can't see that i am also sad for you...i love to see my reflection in your eyes,i hate that you can't see that every gesture of yours makes my heart beat faster..maybe i will have a heart attack someday:))

i read today an old journal that i used to keep,and i got to the conclusion that i have never been that optimistically.actually the feelings that i found were pain,fear,i felt useless,angry...i should take the oscar at faking..i always tried to look happy,so that the others don't feel pity for me,i always tried to cheer everyone up,but i never managed to cheer myself up...


i think that we all play a part in this big scene,the world...but i just can't seem to realize what's mine...

Posted at 02:34 PM on November 23, 2008

I had a dream last night.You came to me..I asked 'Why do we have to get through pain,to experience the joy?'

He answers:
'Only in silence will you find,
How love is so much better,
Than WORDS can not describe'.

If it's so, I now ask what is love,when all you have ever felt is pain?What am I missing not knowing true shared love..

Actually I think i know how does it feel to love,because i once knew someone that seemed to get me,but to feel it on my own skin and to share it?!never.yeah,okay i am a little bit evil,bitch sometimes,but i can't help it because it makes me feel so good.but once you get to really know me u will see ...

Sometimes i wonder...everyone is telling me that i'm better off,that love sucks..well,what they don't know,is that when they were telling me that,my thoughts flew right away to u.So the questions are:if love sucks,then why everyone wants to experience the feeling of love?why are they in love?why do butterflies fly in my body?why there is Nirvana in my head?

Posted at 02:20 PM on November 23, 2008

How did we get here
When I used to know you so well
I think I know
I'm screaming I love you so
My thoughts you can't decode
There is something
I see in you
It might kill me
I want it to be true
holidays are coming...i love them.u know why?because on Christmas u can dare to dream,to believe..and that feeling is in everyone.i obviously don't believe in santa but i definitely believe in the spirit of santa,it shows that people are still able to dream..i want to dream..it so nice to dream a perfect life,full of happiness...for many of us,dreams are all we have.dreams=hope
Don't ever stop believing,even if you are down!Belief makes this world better.

Posted at 11:51 AM on November 20, 2008

I've burned in coldest ice
And drowned in hottest flame.
I've felt the sweetest kiss
And bitterest disdain.
Descended into hell
And flown into the sky.
Into the darkest depths
And highest of the high.
I've seen the sweet apocalypse
The bitter, empty end.

i thought i can shortly resume my life,so here it goes...note that this is pretty difficult to me.

The story of my life

Damn,I feel like a novelist..okay so...my parents split when i was six...my older sister(3 years older) was already send to study 5 hours away from me...my mom had a really rough life,my father being an alcoholic.when the time of separation came my mother asked me and my sister with who do we wanna remain..being very small of course i chose to stay with my mother.My sister chose to stay with my father,actually she chose that because she was going to stay for study at my father's sister.so i left in tears with my mother over the hill,on foot,living on the country side,to find my uncle,to bring us home,at my grandma.

Since then,i saw my father every once in a while..let me tell u that he's an exceptional man when he's not drunk.The years went by,in this time i saw my sister once or twice in a year.On summer vacations she came a few weeks to the country side and stay with my father,and i went there every once in a while.Many times i cried when i had to take my sister to the train,or when my father banished us from his home because he was drunk...because of that i became more and more shut in myself..i created a shield around myself.

when i was 12 my mother also left to Italy to make money and support us..so i remained alone with my grandma and grandpa.in the country side u must do a lot of dirty jobs,but i endured hoping there is something better for me out there..after my mother left i didn't wanna eat,sleep so i once in a while got beaten by my grandma or grandpa.i never had afriend,a good friend that could be there for me,everyone wanted from me only to listen to their problems.i never told to someone what it was happening to me,i tried to look happy for everyone.in their eyes i had a perfect live,even now people thinks that.nobody will ever know what is really happening in my soul.if only i could find someone to understand me;i have always been a good adviser,but not good enough for me...anyway i kept going on and i studied so at 14 i left to stay at city and go to high school,living at my uncle's.There was a living hell,because i was a stranger in that home and because my uncle was also an alcoholic.

I went over this to,and at the end of my first high school year i received the best news i could have possibly get in my entire life...my sister was coming to live with me after 10 years.well,my mother is still in italy,my father is still drinking,but at least i have my sister with me...nobody understands what kind of relationship i have with my sister,but i'm only trying to get those 10 years back....life goes on!

Posted at 11:28 AM on November 20, 2008

Did I hurt you?
Did I ever made you bleed inside?
Did I kill you?
I didn't mean to make you hide yourself,
find you in you , beautiful.
Do not grow the seeds of pain in you,
goodbye!
Let the butterflies cry,
Let them cry for you.
Kerli -Butterfly Cry

Beautiful,don't you agree?!
I can't say that i'm attracted to pain,i'm not a masochist,but i am beginning to think that pain it's attracted to me...
Like a wise man said once:'why did God gave love and pain,beside life and death?'
Well i think it's pretty obvious...so that we,mother fuckers can't live a happily ever after life....life would be boring without misery.How would a man be capable of writing such beautiful things without pain and love..it's enough that we have a pretty monotone life like it is...
Don't cry,
You know, we all make mistakes
yeah,but the problem is that not everyone understands that...the perfection is achieved not when there is no more left to add,but when there is nothing u can take away...
Well,life is beautiful?!no?!who the fuck do they think we are..okay we might not be that clever,but that stupid?jeez

Posted at 02:44 PM on November 18, 2008

omg i can't believe it...Vampire knight is so fuckin' amazing...it so philosophical ...i think i would like to live in one of the main characters clothes...u guess who that is..

Posted at 02:26 PM on November 18, 2008

You say you're my hero
You say you're my hope.
You say I'm your princess
Your empress, your dope.
Why don't you fly with me?


I wanted to make you smile,to make you forget for a moment about everything,that way maybe i could have got away too...
I only know that my heart kept beating faster and faster,i could only run to you and...oh,if only that will have happened...
I've waited,and waited for u to realize...I'm tired of hoping...



If you have to be perfect to be someone,than I...I am NOBODY

Posted at 11:16 AM on November 18, 2008

i like you like angel,
i love you like demon...
i like you like always,
i love you like never...

i wrote this inspired by a moment full with unshared love...i don't think ♥ will ever realize what i felt...
i think i'm attracted kinda with the people that indirectly harm me.....


I'm here waiting for u....no need to cry

Posted at 03:00 PM on November 17, 2008

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
....
This is the story of my life

I don't know why i have always had the feeling of being lonely...maybe because i have always been..
ever since i was little i started to shut myself down,and started to lie just to make people happy...i once wanted to be happy and surrounded by people who can love and understand me..is that such a bad feeling?!
anyway,i don't think,actually i'm sure i have never had someone near me that i could tell everything,what i was thinking,feeling...i tried so many times to do so,but immediately i had to withdraw my words so that they don't start thinking i'm strange...
i feel like the world is crashing over me...jeez i'm only a human being...i have feelings even if i deny them...

Posted at 02:11 PM on November 16, 2008

what i want...
i won't have to think hard to answer..i want happiness,i don't want to be alone..

i want to be near u,
i want to hear u,
i want to touch u,
i want to feel alive
i want to be free,
i want simple things..
..little things