Is it possible to miss something that could have been but it didn't happen,and the most probable never will?I guess everything is possible when it's about me.
Why do we always have to wake up before the dream has ended? I want so bad to see how it will end.Even if it's a dream.I feed with dreams.
Ok,so the whole transforming vampires in a commercial stuff and in cartoon characters is really starting to get on my nerves.Suddenly everyone is a vampire lover.Oh,how lovely!All because a sweet vampire named Edward or who knows what bullshit.I know that since Stoker things have evolved more and more to commercial,but this is starting to be ridiculous.Soon people will add to the series that include Superman,Spiderman,Mr.Incredible and other heroic stuff,vampires.This is just absurd and foolish.But today I have a good mood so I'll try to ignore this for a while.
It's so easy for some to debate about something they have no idea what truly means,about something they don't understand(ex:suicide).
It is quite interesting how something of this genre happens when you least care,and not when it could have done you some good,in one way or another.
Adieu,mes damnés!

PS:The new Linkin Park underground album V.9 is awesome!The B-sides are great even the way they were the first time.And especially the song "Across the line" is more like the old LP songs,the screaming reminds me of "One step closer",but shorter."Fear",as they first called "Leave out all the rest" is very different from the final version,but still beautiful.Also,I really love,these days,the Fort Minor's song "The hard way".

I don't really know what to write about or if I want to write of what I "supposedly don't know".
It's about time to start studying for my partials but I don't feel like.I think about so many things that my head is just exploding.I can't wait for the winter vacation.I don't care where I'm going to go,I just want some time to relax and be alone.I want to continue some of my projects.I don't think about what this year holidays might mean.I'm tired.I think I,alone,complicate my life and don't know if I'm right to do so.I'm going to be myself and whoever has a problem with that should fuck himself.I couldn't care less.On next Monday are the town's days,so it should be fun.This weekend I went to one of my colleague,at the country side.It was actually more fun than I thought it would be.The fresh air was good for me.And just being surrounded by traditions for a little while remembered me about so many things in my past.It was nice.
I was thinking about telling mom to take only my sis there with her for X-mas and New Year's Eve.Like this,she would have a clean conscience and an excuse to leave me behind,and my sis would have fun cause she said she will remain in Galati,alone,if she doesn't leave to mom.Actually I'm quite sure she wouldn't do that,but since it will only be a torture to myself and others to go there again,I prefer staying home or going to grandpas and be with someone that actually loves me.Like this maybe I'll avoid the crying on the night between years and the faking so that I can stay at home,alone,like last year.I'm really considering this.Maybe it's for the best.To me,either grandpas either mom it's kinda the same thing because I won't feel like I belong to any of this places then,but from the two,with the consequence of hurting myself and...,I would choose the grandpas.
Yes,it's true that we like to hang on to something different just to pretend we forget,for a moment,about the present torture.I can't possibly know what you want from me.
I don't feel like writing what it's really happening in my mind.
...everything ends...
DON'T YOU EVER TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.
You don’t get to make that decision for me. If you walk away, it’s for you, because I know what I want.
PS:I saw the video of "Killing loneliness" a thousand times and I just noticed that it is Kat von D who tattoos Ville's eyes.Awesome!She had to be so honored.Oh,on Valentine's Day the new album HIM should be released!That day suddenly sounds good!I can't wait!!!Oh,I just love the video "Justify",from The Rasmus.I can't really tell why but it's freaking awesome and a little old by now!

“Could you stand the idea of living everyday
being touched by someone as tainted as me…?”
The sun is now slowly slipping down as if it’s a circle boat disappearing into the flames of reality, making room for the stars to reappear again, and again…Again, this immortal image surprises me standing on the grass, almost lost in nothingness and in a silence disturbed only by the sound evaporating from all around me, like an Aura ready to wake the dead, rather than some angels. Still, this reality seems to be more a Utopia like ripped out from some stories. Maybe this is what seduces me to come back here every night…Or then again, maybe not. I can’t really decide if a lie or a truth pushes me to this place. The important thing is that here’s my magic unreal reality…Suddenly it begins pouring drop by drop…But this doesn’t make me to want to leave. It would be hard to tell what could take me away from here, especially now…Although someone crosses through my thoughts.
Nevertheless, I can’t remember how I got here. The last thing I recall is that I was standing in front of that door that was nearly closed forever, and that I couldn’t tell what has happened, that I was overwhelmed with a feeling of numbness.
I’m not that sure that this even happened, somewhere in the nearly past. Maybe it was a dream; maybe I never left here… I like that idea. It makes me revive.
I played all in my head so many times, that it feels unnatural and uncomfortable to still be afraid of how it will turn out. And, still, I think that fear never left me. Finally it overcame me. It didn’t happen as I thought it would. It never does.
I guess I should return. But I don’t know where. I can’t find a decent reason why should I. I don’t want to. I don’t think I will.
...
by me.

I started this some days ago.I thought a while of how I will begin it.I'm not sure it will still be like this,but I really want this start to mean something.Not necessarily for others,but mostly to me.Now that I see things differently.I thought I could create something as a support until I will live what I want to.I could use some silence though.I have a lot of things to think about.
This week was a complete boredom but I got some plenty rest:D.I guess it will be a good think for me.I should thank the government for making up a disease that even though I don't think it should mean a good thing for the majority of us,now I can only think about myself.Sorry about my selfishness.I know their purpose was to shrink the human race and make huge money from selling meds,taking advantage of the human desperation while facing death.They didn't get anything from me so I don't really care...
All I ask of you is to stick around...I promise I will...

I just hate when all those memories come back to me.I can't deny them,even if I try to.They are a part of me forever,and they influenced all my present existence,my thinking.I provoked everything,many times instinctively.I didn't fought against.I just left myself go...What bugs me even more is that everyone seem to have the impression I'm some kind of innocent baby girl.Oh,how sweet!Grow up,man!I know and saw more than maybe either of you ever did.Fuck off and open your eyes!I'm no naive little child!Stop protecting me!
I'm passing through one of those moments when I would like to tell everything what's on my mind,one of the weak times,but I know I must restrain myself.I know I will pass over this soon,but now it's such a strong desire.It's like I begin to talk,I give some hints,but then I know I must abstain.Anyway I have the same impression as always that no one is really listening to what I'm saying.I don't mean exactly what it's coming out from my mouth.It's more than that.I sure hope this moments will pass quickly.Then again,even if I had any intention of talking,I don't think I could make myself understood even so,so...
You have no fuckin' idea of how much I understand you.Of how much I could have understood you from long ago.No fuckin'idea!
Man,I can't get more irritated by people "stealing" my ideas.If I say some bullshit,the monkey must say it after me in the near future.I mean wtf??!!Can't they understand that this individualizes me,not them.What they are doing is only acting like a cheap,fake copy.It's driving me insane.Sis said not to say anything ever before.Yeah,I thought about that many times,but it bores me as hell just to shut up.I learned to control some of my impulses of saying what really relates to me,and just joking,but even my jokes are constantly being "stolen".Give me a break,people.I'm not some fucking model for anyone,so stop it!Just stop it!
*If someone feels somehow offended of my language,then just know I DON'T CARE!Fuck off you too!!!(not really in the mood of listing all the swearing I know-it would take a while)
Current mood song: Evergrey-"Trilogy of the damned".

I changed the Lilith name into my name,cause I don't relate to that name anymore.It's hard to see sis suffer.I would take her pain over me if I could.I hate when people lie to me,while they think I don't realize that.Unfortunately,for them,I am not that stupid.But they still do it.It doesn't even worth listening to them.And now a little survey done during my sleepless nights.Enjoy!
Name :Geanina-Viorela.
Birthdate : 20th of May 1990.
Current Location:Galati,Romania.
Eye Color:Green with blue reflections.
Hair Color: Brown.
Piercings:Yes,4.
Tattoos: Not yet,but planning on having one some day.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:No.
Vehicle:No,but I’m working on that.(I want a scooter,since motorcycles are too expensive.I still have to save money cause I want to buy it on my own.)
Overused Phrase: “Really?”
Pub/Disc/Restaurant:Honestly,none of them.
Color:Red,black,purple…
Drink:I don’t drink alcohol,so I guess Coke.
Body Part on Opposite sex:It doesn’t really matter but since I like having eye contact when I’m having a conversation,I would say eyes.
TV Show:Nowadays TV=Bullshit.
McDonalds or BurgerKing:I don’t eat fast-food.
Summer or Winter:Spring.
Love or Money:Love;it’s harder to obtain it.
Bedtime: Lately,none.But usually it varies.
Most Missed Memory:The family reunions.
First Thought Waking Up: Lets see what happens today.
Ambition:Being independent and get the fuck out of here.
Best Friends:”Best friend” is a term that involves way too much to apply it to someone now.
Weakness:Humans.
Cheated Your Partner:I would never do such a thing.It would be a sign of my own degradation.
Ever been beaten up:Yes.
Ever beaten someone up:Yesss.
What country/state do you want to Visit:California.
Get along with your Parents:Not really.
Believe in Yourself:If I didn’t believed in myself,then how could I have had trusted someone else?!...
Want to go to College:I am going to college.
Do you Smoke:No.
Do you Drink:No.
Been in Love:I can’t really say I was.
Do you Sing:Doesn’t everyone sing?
Want to get Married:Not in my plans right now.
Do you want Children:Not that sure,with all this stinky world.
Age you wanna lose your Virginity:That’s my private decision.
Hate anyone:Mostly 90% of the people.
Been given a rose? Not a rose,but another flower.
Slow danced with someone? Yes.
Been drunk? No.
Been suspended? Almost.
Been to a funeral? Yes.
Spent the night with someone of the opposite sex? No.
Been arrested? Not yet.
Been in a car accident? Almost.
Had your heart broken?Mhh,I don’t know now if I can call it a “heart break”.
Swam in the ocean? I can’t swim (I have water problems).
Met someone famous?Yes.
Won a contest?Yes.
Gone to summer school?No.
Been to a concert?Yes.
Been to the circus?Yes.
Been skiing/snowboarding? Lets say it’s a different way of snowboarding,way more fun.
Been fishing? Yes,but I only watched people fishing,and behind their backs I let go of all the fishes.
Been bitten by an animal? Yes.
Been bitten by a person? I can’t remember that now.
Been to a club? Yes,but I don’t like it.
Cheated on a test? Only once???
Made dinner for someone? Yes many times.
Stayed up for more than 2 days straight? Yes.
Kissed someone of the same sex? No.
Fell asleep at work/school? Almost always.
Rode a horse? A horse cart counts?
Wished that someone would die? Yes.
Ran away? And not only once.
Laughed so hard you cried? Yes.
Made a snow angel? Yes;it makes me feel like a free child.
Skipped school? Yes.
Been lost? Yes,after I ran away.
Milked a cow? Actually yes.
Cried during a movie? Yes.
Seen a ghost? Not really,but I think one is haunting me.
Changed a diaper? Yes.
Broke a mirror? Yes.
Lost money? Yes.
Found money? Yes.
Made a sandcastle? Yes,I like the feeling when you touch the cold sand,slipping through your fingers.
Forgotten someone's name? No.
Stolen something? Yes.
Dyed your hair?No.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my dad.I'm worried.I've been thinking about what is going to happen after grandma will die.Cause this will happen sooner or later.Actually this has been on my mind since long ago,but the years have passed and grandma is getting weaker.
I also remembered something about last summer.Don't really know why now(I'm still trying to figure that out).The time when mom and my sis made a coalition against me(mom was blaming me for her problems,like always,and sis was upset with me,I don't even know why).I really understood the feeling of being a ghost then.That's why I wanted to get out,to have something else to think of.Stinky vacation.And this was not the first time and it won't be the last one either.Sis can't see it,or doesn't wanna see it.But I got used to this long ago.It doesn't hurt that much anymore.Especially since I found out the main reason:the fact that I owe it to my grandma that I'm a human being and alive,and not to my parents.They justified this by saying it was a fashion then to have just one child.So stupid!They should've just shut up!...anyway they constantly remember me I'm not like my sis.Like I give a shit on this!But it's not my sis's fault.She is the most important person to me,and now that I have her,after all those years,I don't want to let her go.But she doesn't see this either.And now they want to take her away from me again.Maybe I'm too selfish that I want to be near her,but it's something I can't control...
Like when I got the result from my exams,I send a message to mom and she just sent a message back and said "Now lets see if you can get into a college,and how much did your sis have"(not that it matters I had a bigger grade),and dad asked me who took a higher grade,and when my sis got to Master they all called to congratulate and even called me to say "oh,what a perfect sister you have".Yeah,thanks a lot for my congrats too.Or,when I was sick before exams and got to emergency,mom in a week send one message to ask if I need money and if my sis breaks a nail,lets say,everyone is worried.And they still say they love us the same way."Lucky me"I have a sister that I went visiting Italy.Mom told me from the start she wants to take my sis there,not ME.I guess that's why when I go there I feel unwelcome and just wanna run far away.But I have no place to go to.At least at home I'm on my territory.And in public she loves me like no other.How many lies.How many cold words that supposed to make me feel better or what??!!And she still asks why I don't ask her for permission to do something.Why should I?...
I have way too many things on my mind.I just drown,sink in my thoughts.People wonder what's happening with me,but I can't really give an answer now.It's too complicate to explain.And I don't want to explain.I have to settle down some things.I'm glad that I think those colleagues finally got it from my last stinky behavior I'm not interested.I hope.They are the last thing on my mind now.