One thought with any cost...I don't really get a good night sleep lately because this struggling with what I want but can't have and the longing is just killing me.I feel my heart(an rather overrated term,but I can't think of another one now) as small as a hopper,and well,the same old story...I thought I got over this,at least it's what I wanted to think,but it's not really like I want it to be.It's not that easy.And plus the usual luck I have...the deadly combination.
Do you care?!At least a little?!Cause I DO!Way too much!
I've failed.I'm not the kind of person that doesn't know how to lose.It's very important,especially psychological speaking,to know how to lose.But not knowing where and what I did wrong it's a torture to me.I've played that scene in my mind over and over again and I don't know what I could've done wrong.
...this suffering will end one day...I promise to myself to stop writing this kind of entries so often,that only causes pain,and that I'll try to be more objective.That reminds me:what I hate the most beside lies,is pity.I hope no one who passed this corner of dreams and thoughts,felt pity.If it's so,don't come again.I don't need nobody's pity.This are my thoughts at in a certain moment just to not go crazy,and trust me there are people with real problems that maybe are asking for your pity,but not me.So,please excuse me,but no one who feels 'pity' for me is welcomed here,as I try not to pity anyone.I hate that word and all it involves.
Just to change subject before I get angry again,this are some of the best,profound and complicated lyrics I have ever heard,one of my favorites forever.
"Confusion writhes around our hearts impatiently
The poison of doubt enslaves our minds and we bleed
We abandon the trust that kept us blind and disappear
Under the crimson wings of hate where the lost are safe
Until they love again.
We pray to the serpent of delight desperately,
The questions are answered and we try not to weep
Until we are sure we're suffering for love.
In the dungeon of our dreams we're so weak
The promise made to be broken still haunts our sleep
We won't open our eyes afraid we would die for love again.
The heart of darkness is hope of finding you there
And that hope will be our love's requiem."

I wonder if some casual re-findings with people from the past,that used to be more or less important in my life,are really casual,by chance,if it's an opportunity or life is just surprising me by putting in front of my eyes something that supposed to be obvious?!...I can't seem to get over the fact that maybe those persons didn't just reappeared in my life just like this,after all this time.It just doesn't make sense.But,yet again,when does life make any sense?!
I don't get it.Why in the world,when I have a good mood,someone must ruin it to me???Fuck!
I think two of my colleagues got the wrong idea about me.Man,when I'm in the mood of being sociable,I just am.But it doesn't mean anything more than that.Now I can't get those off my back.I don't want anything of this genre now and I don't need it.And especially not with one of them.Not in a million years.It's suffocating.Well,now it's time for the mean part to get to the surface.Gosh,this made me realize something I must absolutely fix.I now apologize to all the people I suffocated in a way or another.I'm extremely sorry.It won't happen again.I just didn't see the line.You just can't see it sometimes.I guess it was just one bad way of showing that I care.It's something I got from my mom over which I had no control.I have no excuse.I'll try to abstain.I'm already trying.It's very hard.
Personal recommends :"The Devil's Dictionary".It's hilarious.It's mean, sarcastic, ironical,but the author is mainly telling the truth,if you come to think about it(sadly and honestly).I haven't read something that funny for some time.Great job to Ambrose Bierce!I'll be even more careful with the words I use now.Who knew I'll actually like reading a dictionary?! Amazing!

...the winter sings:"Your love will be the death of me"...
Oh,my dear diary...
...I already said too many things I didn't meant to and without thinking them through.
-These days it seems that my life is ruled over by confusion.This state of complete confusions is everywhere around me for some time now,that I think it will finally gonna get me too.I have no idea why people must be so indecisive.Decide before you realize it's too late.Just follow your instinct.It always has the best intuition.
-A good meditative weather.I'm tortured by the simple fact of not knowing.I want to know what's wrong,what's working alright,what's in that mind.I care.I want to be the one you trust and tell anything..."What are you...thinking about right now?"
-Sometimes my problem is that I put too much heart.But I'm not sorry.Even if I suffer.I want to know how everything feels like.At least of that I am not afraid.I don't think of the price.And I'll be fine.Me not being fine is nobody's problem.Let me take care of that.
-I've been invited to go in November at the b'day party in Bucharest,to one of the band members but I don't know what to do.On one side I want to go more than ever because maybe this is the small change I need,the breath of fresh air,but on the other side different circumstances don't allow me to.
-I think I'm gonna end up uploading the whole chapter 52 from Vampire Knight(actually starting with chap.49 more or less and continuing).But I'm in love with that chapter.I could read it continuously.
-I've been watching the new 'Vampire diaries' series and so far it's fun to watch,although it doesn't bring anything new;it's a lot Twilightish type.At least not everyone has really heard of this series yet.It bugs me when people make a big fuss of something.I liked what the bad guy a.k.a Damon said while he was reading 'Twilight':"I miss Anne Rice. She was so on it."I agree.
-I just saw a Swedish movie called "Let the right one in"("Låt den rätte komma in").Great movie!It has everything from an atypical vampires story,pre-teenagers stories,responsibility,good-evil,reality-fantasy,cause-effect,life-death;still it's not a vampire story(it has the same old clichés but very good represented-the sun issue and the the invitation inside were amazing),but rather a tight friendship which ties two kids with different stories that made both of them solitary.The sad part comes with the choice.I thought it was really original,very realistic in a very odd manner and full of symbols(maturity,the knife as a defense instrument and as the symbol of connection between the two,the 12 years old girl now sweet and innocent and later a ferocious beast,and in a way a hero,the unanswered questions,the Morse code,the mysterious image of the old Eli).I could go on and on.It compresses too much to speak just in two lines.Definitely something new.And awesome interpretation from the kids.A movie with a very deep signification.
Armand: "If I'm an angel, paint me with black wings."

"Set me as a seal upon thine heart,
as a seal upon thine arm,
for love is strong as death
jealousy is cruel as the grave.
The coals thereof
are coals of fire,
which hath a most vehement flame."

So,I promised some short reviews of my first impressions regarding college.I like it.I like it because we mostly have those type of conversation I like with our teachers and because we can speak freely.I love my English course and the teacher is awesome;I think I will learn lots of new stuffs from him.I liked what another teacher said that all we're doing will help us with manipulation a lot-human manipulation-.The things he said about manipulation and other stuffs caught my attention completely.And I liked he was very sincere.My dear new group mates are mostly cool people.They choose me the head of the class(I guess that because of my argumentation skills);it will bring me lots of advantages of which I'm aware.I already surprised them with my big mouth, entertainment skills and that I'm so sincere it hurts-hihi-.I've noticed that some from other faculties think only about flirting and that's not safe at all wondering there by myself,especially when I have the evening courses.Next week I'll have the interview for Aiesec (Student's international association).I wanna get inside,quite a lot,because it will help my future interests.Well,I have the interview alone,then the group interview,then a conference and finally the final interview(all in English of course,but I'm not worried).I like the student life so far because I feel like I'm in the right place;although I have many studies and researches that I must do,and the group research with those sick people that suggested to do it in a bar-sick man,sick-,and in about a month I have 4 partial exams already.But I always finish things with good results so I'll start this new stage of my life with optimism, confidence and hope.Somebody said that everything should begin with hope.Shortly these were my first impressions;I'm still observing and analyzing.We'll see further on.I'm just glad I'm occupied all the time.

I realized these days how much I miss sending letters.Yeah,the old letters with all the proper formulas like "dear/beloved" and "truly yours".Mobile phones and the Internet stop us from doing these things anymore.That's why everything is more shallow,deceiving and less affectionate now.This is one thing I don't like about technology;even though to some it gives the opportunity of being whoever they want to.I don't appeal to this kind of opportunities because it will mean a denial of myself.Letters are more profound,more personal.A letter doesn't give you the chance to make mistakes,because you cannot delete what you wrote.Maybe I should try this sometimes.Writing without deleting at all.I have tons of letters at home.They are a personal treasure.Letters are memories.Priceless memories.
--I will put down on writing some of my thoughts regarding college in a little while;I first wanna do some observing.Recently I had the feeling that nothing is mine anymore...nothing is only mine anymore.I feel like my ideas are constantly being stolen,that I AM being stolen.I can't think at something else except not expressing my ideas in front of such people,and consciously hiding...Ahh,I hate words sometimes.They don't help me at all.It's rather a torture when you can't find the right words or synonyms.--