“I find a strange pleasure in saying things to him that I know I shall be sorry for having said. Now and then, however, he is horribly thoughtless, and seems to take a real delight in giving me pain. Then I feel, that I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day."(D.G.)

I think this was one of the worst weeks in a long time.In some kind of conjuncture or what the hell,I don't really know,but this week either everyone managed to piss me in a way or another,or almost everyone had something with me.Wtf?!And the week isn't over.I had many on my mind,but you know,it's like when everything that you thought you had last week crashes next week.And I mean EVERYTHING.Not really a nice feeling.
I am wrong in one side of the matter.Words do matter.They can hurt quite much.Actually I knew this,they are a good weapon.It's worst when they fall into the hands of someone that doesn't think of the consequences of what he/she is saying or doesn't think at all.These days I received an important lesson that I'm not going to forget easily.Though lesson!
No worries though.I will always be fine,no matter what.I don't care if I'm egoistic maniac but I,myself,should matter the most.Ok,time will heal everything.And I don't need no one to wash the floor with me or my feelings and I won't allow this!That be clear!And I'm tired of saying the same things,but I think it's necessary now:DON'T YOU,ANYONE,TAKE ME FOR GRANTED!No one but me owns me.Don't worry because the minute I get the impression that someone do thinks that I'm somehow an object always ready to be used,always there in a corner,will have the surprise that it's not like this and that I'm long gone.I DON'T BELONG TO NO ONE!I AM NOT AN OBJECT!I AM NOT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!UNDERSTOOD???
I discovered again how immature some can be.Or is it me that I have a more mature and decisive view over things regarding this matter?!I'm sorry but it can be another way.And what the hell happened with that closure,man,so suddenly??!!I can't find any reasonable explanation!
I feel I need some isolation now,from all the opinions that run beside my ears,from all the noise,from computer,everything.I feel the need of burying myself under the books.Maybe the silence from a reading room.Only picturing this,it sends shivers down my spine.Perfection!I need not to see,hear nothing but my own thoughts,or better someone else's thoughts:reader's.Anyway I took some books at home but it's too noisy in here,I can't transpose myself properly inside the story.
My obsession with words is more acute lately.None is proper.It seems like I don't even want to think words,speak words,even write words.Well,I'm just too obsessed,like with all this analysis.
Then,it's approaching the period of participating to the annual scholarship for abroad.I'm not quite sure if this is possible now,but good grades I have(I mean 9.85 from 10 I think it's quite enough) and if it is possible I must think very well where I want to spend the 6 months or even 9 months.It's a long time,and I wouldn't want to leave sis alone for so long.It's not a matter of courage,cause now I want this the more.Mom will surely want me to go to Italy,but it's not really what I want.Plus that woman visiting me like every weekend,no way!I would like Germany or Finland,cause France it's too...I don't know,not really.The fact is that I want it to be as far as possible.Now I really need to decide,if this thing will be possible for the next year.Anyway in 3 years,I'll do my best to get that scholarship.I need it!I don't care what anybody else thinks.It's not about anybody else,but me here.Plus hopefully in the 3rd year or after we'll finally move to Bucharest.It's a lot about future now,and a lot about decisions.Again!
I didn't liked my behavior lately,or better my weaknesses.I need to fix this NOW.If I let myself like this,when I'll fall,crash it's not going to do me good at all.And just crashes I caused,lately.Stop dreaming and focus!All this is for my own good,and no good will be if I keep dreaming.Actually I'm quite aware of the reality,it's just difficult to accept its cruelty sometimes.But you've seen Geanina that nothing good comes out from everything.I want to be alone!Now!I want not to think!I'm tired of thinking!God,it should be quite nice for the foolish ones that believe everything has quite a simple answer.Nothing is easy!Tired of games,of immaturity.It's just too tiring!It's like dealing with little kids,only they know better what they want or what to do.I bend down to them!
I'm definitely out of solutions of what to do to not think.Good God,all this doesn't make nothing easier for me.When will I be surrounded with some mature thinking people that understand the seriousness of the future and of the gestures??!!When will they understand and realize the consequences of their acts??!!

“There is a fatality about all physical and intellectual distinction, the sort of fatality that seems to dog through history the faltering steps of kings. It is better not to be different from one's fellows. The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. They live as we all should live--undisturbed, indifferent, and without disquiet.”(D.G.)

I don't even know how the hell I let something like that cross my mind.Stupid!STUPID!I need to make some remedies to this part.Hell no,I promised to not do this to myself.Just stupid...Ah,I hate this feeling.Actually no,I hate every feeling.
I wonder how is it to walk through crowds and walk without direction or with just one direction,just moving.Not being conscious,not feeling or hearing anything,just like a robot.Life would be much easier,definitely.
But if I think about it I wouldn't really like to be like this and easier.I just say this now or every now and then,but who knows: maybe I like this "torment".Oh,that's a though word.But what other explanation is there?!And what will be the beauty,the satisfaction of every single small moment of happiness if everything will be just...grey?!
Just an amalgam of stupidities running through my mind these days.Or maybe just like always."Stupidities"?!Really?!These stupidities have a significant importance for me if I can't get pass them.
"Right or wrong?!There's always two sides to every story."

I can be quite a bitch sometimes,haha.I admit it.The problem is that nothing and no one will ever get in my way of getting what I want.Surely,there are some exceptions,but I'll figure out something to free my way.No worries regarding that.
People may sometimes wonder why I changed my behavior so suddenly,or if "they" did something wrong(everytime it happens).I now answer:"you" didn't do anything out of the ordinary,out of the daily hypocrisy routine.It's like this:I sometime accept that hypocrisy because I feel the need,or because I just ignore it or maybe sometimes,because of my own stupidity.Nevertheless,sometimes I feel so sick of all the falsity that I just don't think I'll be able to restrain myself from throwing up on "you"!Anyway,don't think I'm stupid and that I don't know or get "your" hidden purposes.I'm perfectly aware of that.ALWAYS.Lets say it's just an exchange:"you" use me,I use "you";in matters that "you"'ll never know.
Everyone wants something from me.This I know.And if "you" get what "you" want it's because I let "you".For example now,I really feel very sick and as I don't have any need,I can very well live on without "you".Don't "you" think I'm an instrument that you throw after use.I might do that without "you" even realizing it."You" NEVER.
Hmm,don't "you" ever,anyone,underestimate me!You have no idea how I survived so far and what's inside my head.TRUST ME!^ ^
PS:"You" has a general use.No references intended.Oh,well now,if someone feels offended I couldn't care less,it's your problem,and maybe you should feel offended.

Back home!My aunt is pregnant!!!What a beautiful surprise.I hope it all turns out fine,cause there are some problems,but we have to be positive about it.It will turn out.And I'll have a little cousin.Lovely * *!
I'm quite curious how things will evolve from here,what's going to happen.The problem with me is that I don't really have patience.I played different scenarios in my mind of what are the possibilities.But as always there will always be a certain scenario that I never quite approached.That's the beauty of things.Even if that scenario isn't quite what you want or what you'd like to happen.I sure hope so that it's not what I even deny to think about and convince myself that there is going to be fine and "easy",to say so.
I can't really say that I don't like what's going on now,when things seem to look good on all plans.And I can't say that I'm not worried,but I decided not to think for once and just let things evolve naturally.Even if it's not the turn out I was hoping for.Not that it's too late even for that turn out.Surprises!
I can only hope for the best.Maybe it's my turn too.Finally!:D:D ^ ^

"It's time to make amends/For all of the fun/The damage is done/And I feel diseased/I'm down on my knees/Now I want release/From all this decay/Take it away/And somewhere/There's someone who cares/To have and to hold."
PS:When one person has nothing to do,does stupid things.For example,I think I'm tired to draw on paper that I started drawing on my skin:)).First the eye,now how my future tattoo might look like.Not so clear I know,and just something extremely easy.I want something more complicated:D.

Mmm,so exams over(10 at all,but one).I'm getting ready for a few days holiday in the countryside.
Now,I don't have much to tell.Or don't want to tell.Whatever.
Probably the same problems as always.Just trying to understand why some people act the way they do.Gosh!Then,even this fucking day passes quickly,so no major problems here,and sis is coming home.Finally!I was almost on the point on talking to myself:)).A lot of things to think about,but at which I don't want to think about,and doing the best I can to avoid and distract myself.
I can't wait to warm a little outside,to start running again.Omg,I so need a running nowadays.
Yeah,this is my second attempt and it would remain this one.Definitely.


So,the two drawings where made with the purpose of a gift,not mine anymore.Actually if they were mine they wouldn't be like this,for sure.But,oh well.In Honor of this great fuckin' day.Whatever.They aren't quite finished,and I struggled myself not to put too much black there.Kinda unusual for me,but then again they are not mine,neither for me.Looking dirty as always.Don't know wtf,cause on paper they are not.Mhh...

I fear so much that I'll have to make a choice that I don't want to do.If I'm made to do that,I might decide to choose neither,so please avoid that.I just don't want to accept that it's just have to go like this.Why does it have to be like this?If people were more decisive regarding what they want and prevent losing the person they want,just do and say what they want,it will all be easier.But why on Earth,who should say something at the right time,suddenly wakes up when it's too late or when they just hurt the persons they "supposedly want more",than they can possibly know by making them choose.Just be decisive and fight for what you want.You won't get a second chance.And please don't force me God into making such a decision,or please avoid me to be put into such a situation.It's the last thing I need right now or ever.
Please,please think better at what you really want and let me know.
I don't understand why some people are so possessive.I can't divide myself into more pieces and make everyone feel like they want to.It's not easy to see this kind of behavior,and to fail into trying to get people understand one with another.Every person has a well delimitation space inside myself,and there's enough room for everyone.I'm not some kind of marionette with which each one can play as the wish.
I'm not sure I want to go through with this,cause I fear that when I will feel that maybe I've moved on then I will be forced to make a choice that I don't want to make,and later regret it.Oh,God if only people could be as sure as me of what they want!


Ok,here's a drawing that made quite a sensation lately:)).Geanyx everywhere:))
And my girls,without one:X:X

I think I have sort of found my alternative strength I was looking for...at least for now.And when or where I wasn't looking,or expecting.Well,it's rather something else than strength,and it's kinda drawn from someone else,not my own,but it's okay like this,now.Hmm,this always,but always,happens.I wonder why?!But then again,I have too many questions and wonder too many things,that could never,also have an answer.
This are some very odd times.Maybe there is a reason for why some things are revealed at a specific date,in a specific moment.Or it's just "so called fate" messing around?!
What's with this strange desire of writing?!And there are still so many things I feel I want to express.Hey you,"strange desire"!Yeah,you!Calm yourself down!
One week of exams and over.I don't want to see any books till summer.Oh,actually no.I do want to see books till summer,just not that kind of books.
I should probably head to a heart medical control,this is getting serious.All the double seeing,dizzy,heart beating heard from all around and in the whole body,lack of understanding what happens around me for a few seconds,and shaking.Hmm,not now.Maybe I won't die before I actually take the control.It's kinda good to be able to laugh of yourself in serious matters.Oh,well,when my time will come I would die even because of a stupidity,so...to hell with this now.I can't wait to go to the countryside.Yupi.I miss all so much:D.
Still fighting.Never stopped.Never will.No matter what.Times like the recent ones will pass,time passes,and I will still be fighting.There will always be reasons for it.

Ok,so I rush into things again."Screamworks: Love in theory and practice" is AMAZING!This has to be celebrated.Ville did it again!Love you man* *!!!"Disarm me" probably will be my favorite as I expected from before,but all the songs have something special good in any moment of the day.OK,I'M TOO EXCITED TO EVEN WRITE,so thank you God for this blessing.Farewell,damneds,search for the hope that Ville thinks he may have discovered,and now I'm gonna go and listen to the album endlessly.So,bye!

Ok,someone wants a soul?Here,take it I don't need it anymore.Anyway I never wanted it,so go ahead.
I just HATE it when I don't know which way I'm going,what the future looks like.Actually I would be curious to know if I there is a future,or how "long" is this future.My guess is,not very long.Mmm,strange to some but I think the end is rather comforting,and probably even if I fear it as anyone would,I embrace it.I'm heading to some of my old habits of sensing life...
I need some certainty,in no matter what...just some certainty...hmm,maybe that Pareto asshole is right regarding some things.
What is all this??!!For sure I am...
Oh,well in these moments I guess I have a darker vision over life than usual.Too much time for thinking may be the problem...
Hmm,this is getting stranger and stranger every minute.Is it possible that...?!
Don't try to understand.
Here's a quote for madness.Darling,you always understood me.I need you now.Thank you.
"But did you embrace it? Did you understand it? Did you believe it?
Mon Dieu! You make me miserable! You really do, I want you to know that. Much as I love you, much as I need you, much as I can't exist without you, you make me miserable!Go ahead,spit on me. Revile me. I dare you.What do I care?
No. I don't want you to do all that. Don't do that.
DON'T DO IT!"(B.C.-A.R.)
Love: Evergrey-Different worlds.

Wish...
"Peace, the certainty of the sublime, the irresistible joy of faith, the cessation of all pain, the profound abolition of the meaninglessness."(B.C.-A.R.)
Lately I've been creating a phantom-like presence following me,especially in the Solitude.I didn't made it on purpose,but it's somewhere in my subconscious.You know,there are those moments when you wish and crave for something/someone so deeply that if you close the eyes for a few seconds,seconds that may easily overcome a eternity without,you can feel,how it would feel in a hypothetical situation.I guess the brain doesn't make the difference between reality,or even more "impossible reality", and dreams.I do adore those moments,although it's just a greater disappointment.But though I am a lot of a day dreaming,I do stay anchored in reality,so it's just a matter of seconds...I can't grant to myself more than seconds,cause it's unearthly.
Oh God,Oh God...!
Can...would...should...will...
"I felt a burn of life through the hard coldness of myself.I felt a raging flame that caught every particle of me.I felt a pain in my heart.I might have laid my finger on my chest in the very place."(M.D.-A.R.)