I take off on 19 of July! Hallelujah! And with this ends my year as an Erasmus student in Rome! And with this ends a lot of "things"! I'm leaving and doing my best to leave everything that I don't need behind and forget all about it. Amen!

Quote:
"Do you need my understanding as much as I need yours?" […]
"You're not the devil, and you know that you're not. Don't do this to me! I forbid it!" He clenched his teeth on the last words. "You are in your own heart as human as I am. And you will not do it."
"The hell I won't," I said. I laughed. I couldn't help it suddenly. Never had I descended into a soul I knew so well. Did he know now how dark and willful was my soul?
"No, damn you, damn you into hell. No! Oh, so strong. So very strong. Yes, fight me, fight me. So sweet that you are fighting me. I love it. I do.”
"I love you," he whispered.
"Yes, and I love you," I answered.
"You're hurt," he whispered. "Are you? Are you hurt?"
"For the love of God," I answered in a raw, torn voice. "How can you care if I'm hurt?" […]
"Why did you do it?" he demanded. What a mask was this face. And then it flashed with anger as he spoke again. "Why did you do it?"
"I don't know."
"Oh, don't give me that. And don't give me those tears! Why did you do it?"
"I tell you the truth. I don't know. I could give you all the many reasons, but I don't know. I did it because I wanted to do it, because I wanted to. Because I wanted to see what would happen if I did it, I wanted to ...
and I couldn't not do it.”
"You miserable, lying bastard. You did it from cruelty and meanness! […]
What is the use of describing my misery? Of describing the dull dark pain I felt? What is the use of saying I knew the full measure of my injustice, my dishonor, and my cruelty? I knew the magnitude of what I'd done to him. I knew myself and all my evil to the fullest and I expected nothing back from the world now except the very same evil in kind. […]
"I tried to hate you," he confessed, the eyes widening even as the voice nearly died away. "I couldn't do it; it's as simple as that."
"Why not?"
"Don't play with me."
"I've never played with you! I mean these things when I say them. How can you not hate me?"

You run from whoever dares to love you or tell you that you're not the devil you believe to be. You would do anything to prove that there is nothing good left in you. You want no forgiveness. You don't believe you deserve it. Even if the chance to redemption were to be offered to you, you would not take it. You would punish anyone that would ever dare to care for you, only to prove your point. Including me. You cannot accept that no matter what you will do, I cannot hate you. Shouldn't that tell you something? That maybe you found, till a certain extent, a way to be forgiven and to forget? Can't you see that no matter what you will do I can't command my own self that is stubborn enough to love you despite everything? Maybe you were to love me more if I could only say that you are a devil, that I hate you! But can't you see that I cannot do that, as much as you cannot admit to what I believe to be inside of you? "Why don't you hate me?" you might ask, when in fact, I ask myself exactly the opposite : "Why don't you love me?" ... I never asked for a saint or for a devil. I only asked for you! And that has proven to be too much to ask...

* Polemic that begun from the last two chapters of the book I have now finished and that made me understand more certain situations. Forgive me!...

”I was ready to give you my heart on a silver plate... if by chance I have not done that already... and now I find myself with a heart that does not longer expect to be surrendered to you, a heart that does not have a receiver anymore but only a sender. I was afraid of what message reality was trying to tell me, but even though, I tried to fight the fear. I didn't give up. I kept moving forward no matter what. I got past my ego, and did things that not many would do and say. But it was never enough. I was not good enough!”

”My dearest, my own... An “I love you” was left un-whispered, untold in the wind left behind. You must come with me, loving me, to death; or else hate me, and still come with me, and hating me through death and after. There is no such word as indifference in my apathetic nature.”

Here's to my 21th year of misery that is yet left to be written down...
Till next time, please learn something from indifference mes damnés, as it causes the greatest suffering a life can endure...

*the quotes come from an endless source that has not yet been published or known by anyone else, but me.

Yeah, I admit I sometimes take a sadistic pleasure in what others might consider painful, disgusting or fearful, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy this pain. I don't feel any pleasure in this type of suffering.

I hate receiving orders and I hate even more following them. I have always been a disobedient. An absolute brat. I like being in charge of things and manage by myself, by my own desires.

”Without you I'm nothing at all...”*
*Although I do not believe an individual should define himself by reporting himself/herself to the Others, but I rather believe in the individual's personal identity, the association between the I, between ME, as the Nothing when being without the other, You, is...absolute. There is nothing more absolute than the Nothing. So simple, and yet so meaningful...

NB: Man, those two albums of the 90's band, Lestat (that's how I discovered them in the first place:D), are in essence the best vampiric music ever! They're surreal. I can imagine some of them playing on the background in clubs like the one where Akasha and Jesse went to. I just can't believe I have not found them sooner. Another great discovery: Gary Numan - Jagged :x:x:x.

Till next time... I'll be 21 years! Old enough to get drunk and vote in every state in the world. ”Too bad” I don't do any of the above. Freakin' ”happy” b-day!