I just finished "Memnoch,the devil".It disturbed me mentally,it terified,ravished me.The fact is that I could have read this long ago,but I read it now.It seems like it was meant to read it now,and this precise book.It started attracting like all other Rice's books,it continued with a disturbing SF part that I didn't seem to get it,I didn't find,at first,it's place there.Now I understand Rice's point of view.After the world's evolution description I began reading it eagerly,but I stopped very often.I couldn't bare it.I could have lost my sanity for much less than what Lestat is described to have seen.How did Anne had the strenght to see or to write it this full of painful emotion?I think it's the turning point when Anne decides to plead for redemption,or at least to her attempt of persuading herself that she believes.Lestat believed in nothing,and now he's unsure of everything.The seed of incertitude and insecurity was now planted within me and there is no turning back.I can not go back to where it began.It doesn't make sense anymore.Anne drove Lestat, meaning herself,to a path that I think she doesn't believe but forcing herself into believing,into forgiveness,after all.It hurt me with every sentence and word I read.I don't understand why she plead for that path.I have to understand,I have to go on.Lestat wouldn't have done that.He would have lost his mind first.He nearly lost it.
I don't see how this was a coincidence.Why now?It struck me in one of my weak moments of trust...and to have this kind of effect...I don't think someone would understand...not like this...it's fiction,but I don't want to understand.No,no,no this is overwhelming.It took my sleep for a few days.I keep seeing this,the images,my imagination gone wild;I need "him" now.I need to go on...I need "him"...what is the end of all this,or what should it be like for me to understand her vision?... Please, understand...I need someone to understand like I do,or at least to discuss this,what does it mean...this is too overwhelming to even start thinking about it...I need "him" now.

OMG!OMG!OMG!Boredom and monotony is going to kill me one day!For sure!I'm barely holding myself from pulling my hair out.Nowhere to go,nobody to talk to,to...fuck,I don't even know,just do something.It's simply driving me crazy!I think I can stand almost anything but this.I almost finished all the books already,I don't have patience to even listen music,and besides,it's not like you can listen to music all day without doing something else at the same time.Now,mom wants to sends us away tomorrow night,again,to meet with her boyfriend.God,just go to another fucking place.I would go if I had somewhere else to go to.And gladly!You won't even catch me around house if I had somewhere to go to,or at least know somoeone.Two more weeks!I'm going insane only when I think about it!Then 5 days it won't even be necesarry to go out of the house!Can someone imagine what this means?Death it's easier.Pain it's easier!Honestly!I wanna go home!I want and NEED plans,something to do.Anything!Even walk without a direction!And plus I'm tired standing all day long with old people;it's boring!!!I tried,I wanted to try,but I don't know what strategy to adopt anymore,and the language is an impediment.Where the fuck should I find someone younger to get out of the house,doesn't matter where?KILL ME!KILL ME!Someone give me a drug to like sleep for the next two weeks,or something.And next summer again?!!!Are you fucking kidding me??!!What are people around here doing?This is a more sad life than that one back home;at least there's a cinema,a coffee bar,I can watch a movie,play,do something and I know some people.What to speak with people you stay with 24/24 a day?Come on!!!I honestly need some occupation,or I'm gonna lose my mind,completely!I can't sleep more than this.I force myself into sleeping more!OK,OFFICIALLY I'M OUT OF MY MIND AND NEED A GUN,OR AN ANGEL,A MIRACLE!

The other day I was involved in a car accident.In some kind of miracle I got out only with a little back pain,even if it hit us right where I was standing.Since then I couldn't stop thinking about it.It was so fast.Maybe I might not saw the sunset,the stars again.But maybe it was a sign.Today I was close of being in the middle of another one.And I keep having a bad feeling and a wrench.This was never a good sign.
After I made myself pass through death facing experiences,I don't want others.And when I think for what I'm doing this,now after those reactions,I can't believe what a stupidity we're gonna do.At least a cause to worth it.I could avoid it.But...it got me thinking...what if I don't want to?...It would have the perfect motivation...It's almost Xmas.I don't want to turn to black Xmas,all the child left in me.
I'll try to keep my mind of this events and hope for the best.Mercy be with us.

So, I've caught a cold and I'm currently in recovering,sunk under the blanket,with a big package of napkins.:D.But while I was surfing,I found some poems written by a guy,Steph.I think they are actually good and some verses left me a feeling,like a déjà vu along with many flashbacks,different times all combined in one line,or so.It has a modern arrangement of verses,so I left them in original form.Well,whatever,I liked them.
1."My mind is wrapped in winter of enslavement
blasphemed thy beloved internal kingdom
with this kiss of grace thou besmear my soul
nothingness now be seen mirrored in my feeble eyes.

And rape my soul with a demoniacal smile
stab the thorns deeper into my heart
cleanse me...
release me..."

2."If you take a long hard look into my soul
you will be so alarmed
and if I told you how I really feel
you would leave...

All the grief that I've created herein
memories of past times and previous sins...

I adore the sadness,
my only friend in a world of foes
and I remain alone
when reaching an all time low..."

3."I awake, on the verge of tears
from horrid dreams feeding from fears
Do you remember the rose that I held with my hand
as we defiled virtue with our vile intent...
we shared that cold night and a blissful kiss
mirrored souls, mirrored bliss...

We shared that cold night...
I descend...
Bliss..."

4."I drift into luciferous darkness
and kiss the depressed aeons of quietude of tragedy
...I bathe in this sea of vengeance
and conquer curiosity by making the leviathan bleed...
oh, the exquisite star in my passionate darkness
I love thee...
unfair temptress..."

I can't stand people that overestimate themselves at that kind of level.I just can't accept it,well,when they cross my path.If I have nothing to do with "them",I don't really care.But if I do,there is no trouble,actually,lets say it's a involuntary action.So I apologize in anticipation,but we'll see how much "they" will overestimate themselves after I'm done with "them"... You just can't stop from loving when justice is made and when you have such activities.This kind of things require some time,and I like it more when it's a slow process:D.Oh!No salvation for me though!Not that I would want to be saved:D!Farewell,damneds!Till next time!

"...some silent answer, some flash of heaven in the very pit of hell in his innocent expression, as if the devil still retained the face and form of the angel after the fall."

I don't know what's the right thing to do...I thought I knew,I may know...but what if I don't?...
I can't do this to them.I know what I crave for,more every day,but this time I have to ignore what I want;or at least delay it for a while.There are too many things at stake and it's too complicate,plus the severe consequences that would,surely,reveal.
I chatted with the eldest cousin last night and I told him how much I miss them,and he said he misses me so much too,and that my little dwarf misses me a lot too.It's such a great but painful(I don't want them to suffer) feeling to know someone is missing you.They didn't even knew I wasn't going to stay with them for holidays,and it tear my heart apart to tell him that I'm leaving this year,again;I know they hoped I will be with them.I feel like I somehow betrayed them;but only God knows how much I wanted to be with them these holidays.I miss those simple moments when they tell me all sort of things and I just listen to them and feel my love growing bigger and bigger,or when my dwarf hugs me almost to suffocation.I appreciate those moments because I know I won't have them for a long time.
...so,in the end I want to get rid of the exams but I don't wanna see the holidays come,to see how I get further away with every mile,and head to pretending I'm fine,and "bite" my heart to hide the pain,and even the less to arguing.Holidays should be about love and hope,but this year,like the last,it won't be like this.Maybe I'll find a way,invent something to stay home(God help me!) on the last night between years;I don't care if I'm alone.At least that.
PS:She gets annoyed that I don't react and she might think that she has some kind of power over me,a power that involves aggression,but she has no idea that I never react cause I'm afraid of what I might do once I began.I don't want to hurt her.It's not the first time I badly wounded someone.She has no power whatsoever over me,it's me who has too much power of self control.Plus the physical aggression is something I'm used to,it doesn't hurt anymore,from long ago.

"It's an awful truth that suffering can deepen us, give a greater luster to our colors, a richer resonance to our words. That is, if it doesn't destroy us, if it doesn't burn away the optimism and the spirit, the capacity for visions, and the respect for simple yet indispensable things."

First of all:Happy birthday Romania!!!
Second:Fuck the exams!I can't concentrate on study.I think it smells like winter holidays.:D.
Third:I really had a nice day,full of good surprises and my heart seems to give me a break for a while because last week it gave me a hard time.Now lets say that the pain is more bearable.Last night were the town's days and I had a blast,although I was dizzy when I got home,from all that spinning.:))
Fourth:I didn't get the chance to tell mom what I wanted cause she was one step ahead with the plans.So,now I know where I'm gonna spend my holidays but this time I'll bring lots of books with me to bury myself in them.Figuratively speaking.And Lestat is coming with me.Bonjour,mon cher!
Fifth:For quite some time now my music preferences are going more to the goth and doom metal,love metal part.Many symbolism,introspective and surrealism features.Well,besides the current preferences.
PS:Ville finally decided to get on the market the new album.I'm quite sure that lyrically speaking it will be a masterpiece,and come on it's Ville I'm talking about.Of course I'll love it with that immortal voice.Uff!Excited!!!
"My days have passed away, my thoughts are dissipated, tormenting my heart.
They have turned night into day, and after darkness I hope for light again.
If I wait hell is my house, and I have made my bed in darkness.
I have said to rottenness: thou art my father; to worms, my mother and my sister.
Where is now then my expectation, and who considered my patience?
All that I have shall go down into the deepest pit: thinkest thou that there at least I shall have rest?"
JOB 17:11-16 DV