Venice,August 2009

So,I am more than thankful to the ones that made this trip possible for us,especially because my sister was amazed.I could see that since I mostly tried to see and understand that place through her eyes because I didn't wanted to take the town for what it's known for.I was,again, surprised of my reactions.I was more than unsensitive.I,from the second I found out we are going there,didn't want to go.It's rather a paradox.So many people dream of visiting it,and even I wanted that somewhere in the past,and when I got the chance I didn't wanted anymore.I think it was rather pathetic.I mostly thought it was a beautiful and unique place in which I wouldn't like to live in.If I was to visit Venice I would have liked it to be in different circumstances.I was rather attracted by the big ship I saw and the water,than by the city itself.Again a paradox because I am afraid of water since it brought death in front of my eyes twice.But as we travelled by boat all the time I was more and more attracted by it.I can't really explain it.Words are never enough for me.I had some time to think and I realised something else about myself.Noboby knows me.I mean everyone knows a small part of me,a different part.It's like a puzzle.But all put together will still not make a full me.There are so many things nobody knows and that sometimes I don't want to accept.I don't like to think about those things.I deny them.

On the other side,the holiday I had at my mom now it was probably one of the worst holidays in my life.I would have prefered I stayed home.At least there I was sure of some things.At least I know what I did,and I know that's all I could have done.I did all this with my own hands so I don't even have the right to cry or complain.That right doesn't belong to me.I have the strong feeling this is another end of my life.I don't want to admit it but this is true.Seems that life really doesn't want to help me.Luck it's really not my thing.I always made my own luck.I also think it's time to accept things are how they are and to get used to this idea for the rest of my days.It's not pessimism.It's a reality.Well,again the right to cry or tell about this isn't mine.I must leave this there buried deep inside.I think my conscience is well peaced with herself.At least I think...
...this is another goodbye in my life...a painful goodbye...maybe the most painful I had by now,even because I can understand things differently...