"...some silent answer, some flash of heaven in the very pit of hell in his innocent expression, as if the devil still retained the face and form of the angel after the fall."

I don't know what's the right thing to do...I thought I knew,I may know...but what if I don't?...
I can't do this to them.I know what I crave for,more every day,but this time I have to ignore what I want;or at least delay it for a while.There are too many things at stake and it's too complicate,plus the severe consequences that would,surely,reveal.
I chatted with the eldest cousin last night and I told him how much I miss them,and he said he misses me so much too,and that my little dwarf misses me a lot too.It's such a great but painful(I don't want them to suffer) feeling to know someone is missing you.They didn't even knew I wasn't going to stay with them for holidays,and it tear my heart apart to tell him that I'm leaving this year,again;I know they hoped I will be with them.I feel like I somehow betrayed them;but only God knows how much I wanted to be with them these holidays.I miss those simple moments when they tell me all sort of things and I just listen to them and feel my love growing bigger and bigger,or when my dwarf hugs me almost to suffocation.I appreciate those moments because I know I won't have them for a long time.
...so,in the end I want to get rid of the exams but I don't wanna see the holidays come,to see how I get further away with every mile,and head to pretending I'm fine,and "bite" my heart to hide the pain,and even the less to arguing.Holidays should be about love and hope,but this year,like the last,it won't be like this.Maybe I'll find a way,invent something to stay home(God help me!) on the last night between years;I don't care if I'm alone.At least that.
PS:She gets annoyed that I don't react and she might think that she has some kind of power over me,a power that involves aggression,but she has no idea that I never react cause I'm afraid of what I might do once I began.I don't want to hurt her.It's not the first time I badly wounded someone.She has no power whatsoever over me,it's me who has too much power of self control.Plus the physical aggression is something I'm used to,it doesn't hurt anymore,from long ago.

"It's an awful truth that suffering can deepen us, give a greater luster to our colors, a richer resonance to our words. That is, if it doesn't destroy us, if it doesn't burn away the optimism and the spirit, the capacity for visions, and the respect for simple yet indispensable things."