You know... every time I used to see you, I imagined myself slowly getting near you, so near I could hear your breath and heartbeats; I could see myself put my hand on your warm chest and lean my head near your heart, trying with my all strength to somehow transfer all those powerful emotions that were flowing into me, to you; trying to let you understand at least half of my feelings and that my life had never made so much sense than during those times. That momentary event was all I needed, and at some point in the past it may have had a drop of reality. I can't figure out what was it that made it so real, that even now thinking about it, I feel an overwhelming emotion, a wrench and a tear trying to escape the prison of suffering that has been holding it captured for such a long time. I don't know what physical mechanism, illusion, was doing all that, but nowadays... if I try to feel that again, I can't see myself standing closer and closer to you like I used to... all I feel is that same old tear that is by itself a drop of pain, a tear I refuse to shed, knowing that that moment never happened and never will.
Maybe it was the suffering, rather than some ephemeral happiness, that I wanted to share and take it all upon me. The truth is that I saw my own Lucifer, rising again from its disgrace, my alter, my yang, my déjà vu lover, my dream, my everything. All that I have ever wanted, but never knew I did, was you.