Lately I've been thinking a lot about my dad.I'm worried.I've been thinking about what is going to happen after grandma will die.Cause this will happen sooner or later.Actually this has been on my mind since long ago,but the years have passed and grandma is getting weaker.
I also remembered something about last summer.Don't really know why now(I'm still trying to figure that out).The time when mom and my sis made a coalition against me(mom was blaming me for her problems,like always,and sis was upset with me,I don't even know why).I really understood the feeling of being a ghost then.That's why I wanted to get out,to have something else to think of.Stinky vacation.And this was not the first time and it won't be the last one either.Sis can't see it,or doesn't wanna see it.But I got used to this long ago.It doesn't hurt that much anymore.Especially since I found out the main reason:the fact that I owe it to my grandma that I'm a human being and alive,and not to my parents.They justified this by saying it was a fashion then to have just one child.So stupid!They should've just shut up!...anyway they constantly remember me I'm not like my sis.Like I give a shit on this!But it's not my sis's fault.She is the most important person to me,and now that I have her,after all those years,I don't want to let her go.But she doesn't see this either.And now they want to take her away from me again.Maybe I'm too selfish that I want to be near her,but it's something I can't control...
Like when I got the result from my exams,I send a message to mom and she just sent a message back and said "Now lets see if you can get into a college,and how much did your sis have"(not that it matters I had a bigger grade),and dad asked me who took a higher grade,and when my sis got to Master they all called to congratulate and even called me to say "oh,what a perfect sister you have".Yeah,thanks a lot for my congrats too.Or,when I was sick before exams and got to emergency,mom in a week send one message to ask if I need money and if my sis breaks a nail,lets say,everyone is worried.And they still say they love us the same way."Lucky me"I have a sister that I went visiting Italy.Mom told me from the start she wants to take my sis there,not ME.I guess that's why when I go there I feel unwelcome and just wanna run far away.But I have no place to go to.At least at home I'm on my territory.And in public she loves me like no other.How many lies.How many cold words that supposed to make me feel better or what??!!And she still asks why I don't ask her for permission to do something.Why should I?...
I have way too many things on my mind.I just drown,sink in my thoughts.People wonder what's happening with me,but I can't really give an answer now.It's too complicate to explain.And I don't want to explain.I have to settle down some things.I'm glad that I think those colleagues finally got it from my last stinky behavior I'm not interested.I hope.They are the last thing on my mind now.