First post in 2010.And back home.I got to pass into this year too.I wouldn't have thought it will happen a few years ago.It's going to be a hard,hard year.I wasn't ready to begin this new year,but it's not like it's going to wait for me.First week it's been more than painful,and my heart ached both literally and metaphorically speaking.I was not able to fix anything.I didn't begin the year in a cheerful note,but I'll feel better later,after I can rest.I hope I'll rest.But not now,there are 7 exams knocking on the door.I know how to get my strength,but I don't want it now.I'll have to figure out an alternative.I'm strong.I'll get to 2011 too,in a better or worse condition,I'll get there.
*New year's eve...the usual feeling.People may wonder why I hate this particular night.Because never in my life I was with who or where I wanted to be.Because there's all that unbearable noise,because everyone act so happy as if they really are.It's the most fake and monstrous night of all.And because it's just another night,and the next day it's just another ordinary day.Why should I celebrate this?...
*Officially I'm tired of my imagination.It's like it has it's own conscience and lives only to deceive me.Leave me the fuck alooone!Don't keep feeding me with images of what will never happen.It's only gonna drive me mad!God,I can't control it anymore.Leave me,you too,go to someone else,disappear,leave me alone!
*"Damnatus nunquam condemnatus in aeternum."This remains unchanged.God,oh God I hope this is true.It's my last chance,my last hope.I don't know what to do anymore.
*"You don't drink,don't smoke,don't have sex.What do you do?"(question made to me these holidays).First of all,no one should give a damn about my life;I decide what I want or don't want to do.Cigarettes are a complete waste of health,money,and time,it doesn't make me any good,and it smells like hell.Drinking...I think I had and still have enough "models" in my life to never make me wanna at least put my lips on such a poison.I promised to myself the moment I began rationalizing,that I would never drink in my life.I don't care what others decide.And the last point,well I can't really say since I'm a virgin,can I?But as I said in the past,I give a great importance to it,I respect myself and my body,I don't need it and could live very well without as I did so far,I'm not going to do it just to be like the others as this nowadays stupid teenage girls,I'm not an adept of the "sex before marriage" thing.When it will happen it will,and with the person I think deserves it,that I love and that knows of the love I'm capable to offer.The point is that I have different values after which I guide my life and I don't care if someone disapproves.
*Why it hurts everytime more?It's not logical,it doesn't make sense.After it has already happen once,twice,three times,it should hurt less,right?And instead it hurts infinitely more.I don't know why the heart never listens to the brain and gets affectionate like a fool,by herself.
*End:this year surprised me going more and more insane and with less and less trust.Oh,I'm so tired.Farewell,mes damnés.
PS:Today's flight was one of the most shaky but beautiful so far.If there is heaven I like to think it looks like that sea of clouds all puffy and with angels flying all around.Can nature be more beautiful than this?And ME...in that heaven,In a Heaven.I could have died happily then,and fast.All a human can do is dream,right?...Even to dream is hard now,when I'm still not sure of the effect of my believes being shaken that hard.I have a lot of things to think about.Two of my "art" of this weeks.I'm too tired to comment them now.The "Christ" is one of my darkest works,and the other one,I just liked the feeling it gives me.


One of the most incredible,and enormously overflowing with feeling,definition of Love I have ever read.I'll remember it forever,for sure.Love="Baudelaire,in Braille".