“I find a strange pleasure in saying things to him that I know I shall be sorry for having said. Now and then, however, he is horribly thoughtless, and seems to take a real delight in giving me pain. Then I feel, that I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day."(D.G.)

I think this was one of the worst weeks in a long time.In some kind of conjuncture or what the hell,I don't really know,but this week either everyone managed to piss me in a way or another,or almost everyone had something with me.Wtf?!And the week isn't over.I had many on my mind,but you know,it's like when everything that you thought you had last week crashes next week.And I mean EVERYTHING.Not really a nice feeling.
I am wrong in one side of the matter.Words do matter.They can hurt quite much.Actually I knew this,they are a good weapon.It's worst when they fall into the hands of someone that doesn't think of the consequences of what he/she is saying or doesn't think at all.These days I received an important lesson that I'm not going to forget easily.Though lesson!
No worries though.I will always be fine,no matter what.I don't care if I'm egoistic maniac but I,myself,should matter the most.Ok,time will heal everything.And I don't need no one to wash the floor with me or my feelings and I won't allow this!That be clear!And I'm tired of saying the same things,but I think it's necessary now:DON'T YOU,ANYONE,TAKE ME FOR GRANTED!No one but me owns me.Don't worry because the minute I get the impression that someone do thinks that I'm somehow an object always ready to be used,always there in a corner,will have the surprise that it's not like this and that I'm long gone.I DON'T BELONG TO NO ONE!I AM NOT AN OBJECT!I AM NOT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!UNDERSTOOD???
I discovered again how immature some can be.Or is it me that I have a more mature and decisive view over things regarding this matter?!I'm sorry but it can be another way.And what the hell happened with that closure,man,so suddenly??!!I can't find any reasonable explanation!
I feel I need some isolation now,from all the opinions that run beside my ears,from all the noise,from computer,everything.I feel the need of burying myself under the books.Maybe the silence from a reading room.Only picturing this,it sends shivers down my spine.Perfection!I need not to see,hear nothing but my own thoughts,or better someone else's thoughts:reader's.Anyway I took some books at home but it's too noisy in here,I can't transpose myself properly inside the story.
My obsession with words is more acute lately.None is proper.It seems like I don't even want to think words,speak words,even write words.Well,I'm just too obsessed,like with all this analysis.
Then,it's approaching the period of participating to the annual scholarship for abroad.I'm not quite sure if this is possible now,but good grades I have(I mean 9.85 from 10 I think it's quite enough) and if it is possible I must think very well where I want to spend the 6 months or even 9 months.It's a long time,and I wouldn't want to leave sis alone for so long.It's not a matter of courage,cause now I want this the more.Mom will surely want me to go to Italy,but it's not really what I want.Plus that woman visiting me like every weekend,no way!I would like Germany or Finland,cause France it's too...I don't know,not really.The fact is that I want it to be as far as possible.Now I really need to decide,if this thing will be possible for the next year.Anyway in 3 years,I'll do my best to get that scholarship.I need it!I don't care what anybody else thinks.It's not about anybody else,but me here.Plus hopefully in the 3rd year or after we'll finally move to Bucharest.It's a lot about future now,and a lot about decisions.Again!
I didn't liked my behavior lately,or better my weaknesses.I need to fix this NOW.If I let myself like this,when I'll fall,crash it's not going to do me good at all.And just crashes I caused,lately.Stop dreaming and focus!All this is for my own good,and no good will be if I keep dreaming.Actually I'm quite aware of the reality,it's just difficult to accept its cruelty sometimes.But you've seen Geanina that nothing good comes out from everything.I want to be alone!Now!I want not to think!I'm tired of thinking!God,it should be quite nice for the foolish ones that believe everything has quite a simple answer.Nothing is easy!Tired of games,of immaturity.It's just too tiring!It's like dealing with little kids,only they know better what they want or what to do.I bend down to them!
I'm definitely out of solutions of what to do to not think.Good God,all this doesn't make nothing easier for me.When will I be surrounded with some mature thinking people that understand the seriousness of the future and of the gestures??!!When will they understand and realize the consequences of their acts??!!

“There is a fatality about all physical and intellectual distinction, the sort of fatality that seems to dog through history the faltering steps of kings. It is better not to be different from one's fellows. The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. They live as we all should live--undisturbed, indifferent, and without disquiet.”(D.G.)