Almost a month since I have arrived in Rome.What's new? NOTHING.This sons of bitches are postponing the beginning of the new University year for what seems forever.It does feel hard to be far from my friends and my life back home,but this departure was essential for what I have to do later on.Many aspects of the life here annoys me and it is a strange thing how the human brain functions...I mean when I was home I had some thoughts that it seems that haven't changed and probably never will,even though its a totally new situation...and maybe not only my thoughts.Well,it's not like I haven't considered this situation too before I made this step...actually this seemed like the most likely situation that could have happened.
Besides this,a year with mom seems extremely long...extremely...long.I still can't believe and still get surprised of what I see and hear from her.I really can't understand her decision of having me and „keeping” me,20 years ago,if she really never needed me in her life.But then again that wasn't her decision(heh,I never thought I will end up being in the position where I have to thank my grandma I have a life).I know what she did for me,but you'll have to be blind and deaf in order to not see the obvious.And she still wonders why I act like that...Yeah,you have to be a genius to figure that out.This sounds like ”teenage” problems(but I feel like I'm not the teenager here).I thought I got past that.And I had but I haven't been living with her for like the last 10 years,and even when I lived with her,it felt like I wasn't,so...
I wonder if it's possible that I'm afraid?!...It seems like I have a list of ”yes's” and ”no's”.I never took that in consideration.You and me are more alike than you imagine. More than I imagined.
An idea that makes more and more sense occurred to me...I know I just got here,and I think maybe too much afar,but...what if I will do my Master directly in USA?!I mean,why wait another 2 years and do it in Bucharest,when I can do it directly there?!Besides this will solve the visa problem,and a part of the money problem.For that I have to continue studying like so far and get very good grades,and then somehow start applying for scholarships in USA.Omg,this sounds so good that I can't believe it.But it's a realizable option.Besides,this year here it's going to pass one way or another,and then the last year goes by fast and then I can leave.It's a lot of work but it's do-able.The problem is how I do here with my grades,because back home I will do good for sure.I have to stay focused on this purpose.2 years...and I might see my dream become a reality...if I get there and do this,I will be the most happy and content person on Earth.Just imagine...ok,there are some conveniences that may come in the way in this two years,and I don't know yet what to do in that matter,but my purpose is this and even if some changes will be made to the original plan,I'm not gonna stop.Here is not my place and it's not where I want to be.
It's always going to be hard but I have to dare,and do whatever I want to do.I only have one life. In this journey,maybe later two people have place.Two people to whom I made a promise,and if they will still want to do this step forward in the next years,I will be there for them.
God,keep me safe and I will try do the rest. I'm never satisfied with what I have.How could I be?!It's only natural to want more.And follow your dreams.So far,even if I have made some changes to my plans,it all went the way it should have went,and I am proud to say that the decisions I made were all mine.
Darling,you can see I missed you.Lets stop this here for now.
Damned,still damned,my time will come when I will be free of all this and so will yours.
Good night,faith may be with you...